I do not agree that “I’m sure your son will find his passion once he’s in college.” Many, many do not. In fact, I don’t know of many of my peer group who did. We had fun and we got jobs that paid the bills. That used to be enough to consider life good.
My friend’s son is a hot mess because he thinks he should know what his lifelong passion is … in his early 20’s. He has no clue, and he thinks there is something wrong with him as a result. His mom told him neither she nor his dad ever had a lifelong passion … they went to college, got jobs, and worked. His dad was very successful in his career, but I don’t know that he would describe it as his passion. He sure did appreciate the big paychecks, though! My point is that not everyone will be passionate about their work. Not everyone will even find a true passion in life. It’s possible to find joy without passion. For many, happiness is found here & there in the things that occur along the path of life.
Yep, that’s the story of my and DH’s journey. We just appreciated the paychecks as we were finding joy outside our work lives. I’m hoping to find a passion in retirement. I think it’s nuts to make 17- to 67-year-old kids think they need to know what they want to do in life or be when they grow up.
Your son sounds a lot like ours at 15. To be honest, he’s still a lot like that at 18. Here’s what I’ve noticed over the last few years. He learns for the love of learning. He’s not motivated necessarily by grades but by the sheer joy of discovery. He chooses the most difficult subjects - he took honors calculus as an elective. He chooses the most difficult projects to complete - ethics of terraforming other planets. He scores in the top 2% of tests yet will graduate in the top third of his class with a 3.76 because he chose those more difficult classes. .
Teachers have said things like “Some kids march to their own drummer but he has his own band playing”. He’s different and he’s wonderful and someday he’ll change the world. But, he’ll do it in his own way, in his own time.
If I could go back and do anything differently with our son, it would be to embrace who he is all along the way, instead of trying to inspire him to be more motivated about the future. I know it’s frustrating to see a brilliant young man who isn’t working at their full potential. But, he’s still a brilliant young man.
His GPA should be at 3.9 to match his 99% SAT score.
Does he get teachers who just teach but not inspire? Does he find the class too easy to be worth his time and effort? Does he have classmates who are too competitive for him?
His lack of social involvement.
What are some of the things he likes to do, music? writing?.., encourage him to do it with others. You mentioned that he enjoys video games. Is he open to joining a gaming club at his school and going to tournaments? He might find his calling there.
Also, rigor does differ quite a lot across HS’s (and classes) in this country. At the HS I went to, even kids who scored in the 99th percentile on the first try on standardized tests and put in max effort (given realistic amounts of time for sleep and ECs) would be very hard-pressed to pull a 3.9 GPA if they took the most challenging classes available (compared to the tests in most classes at my HS, both the SAT and ACT were child’s play).
On the other hand, if I had stayed and gone to my local HS (that offered all of three science classes: 1 year each of bio, chem, and physics), I probably could have aced the hardest classes available there by sophomore year.
As an aside, I don’t know why so many people in the US seem to think that doing well on the SAT or ACT is some amazing accomplishment. At the top tier HS’s in this country, students (who do not have problems testing) should have covered the material and thinking tested by those exams by the end of sophomore year. Then it’s just a matter of not making mistakes.
@"Garden Mom You pretty much summed it up, I must say I’m glad I decided to make the post although I was hesitant at first . I chose not to put any pressure on him but I’ll never stop encouraging him. His school is also very challenging and he doesn’t shy away from the more challenging courses. I’m content with the fact that he’s just who he is and he’s doing things his way . Good news - he told me he had his top 3 choices!for college , which was a shocker because he initiated the conversation, and of course I got overly excited and just as the conversation - Well in my mind was breaking ground he hits me with , “Dad relax-they’re just my choices not acceptance letters, and then fist bumps me an walks to his room . Definitely one of kind , thanks for all you guys input, you have all been very helpful.
@YaleNHarvardDad – I’m coming in late to this thread and haven’t read all posts – but I have a very simple take on this all.
Your son should plan to attend a college that fits his motivation level – that is, if he is a laid back B student, he should aim for a college that is a good fit for that. That’s where he is likely going to be happiest and likely to do the best – good chance this will be your in-state public, but maybe it will be a public u. in a different state or a less selective private. In any case, a place where a smart, laid back student can thrive without being surrounded by ultra-competitive students or overwhelmed by work. Obviously not a college that matches your screen name.
That being said, the great test scores aren’t a total waste – do your homework and research school that offer guaranteed merit scholarships based on test scores, and National Merit status if that’s appropriate — your son may very well qualify for full tuition or even a full ride scholarship at schools that fit his preferred lifestyle. I’d suggest aiming for a larger rather than small university so that there is plenty of room for growth if at some point he hits his stride and wants more challenge --but the point is, those test scores are worth $$ even if your son ends up at a college without a particularly brag-worthy name.
I had 99.9% in SAT long time ago and 3.0 gpa in high school. Believe it or not, some kids do not find high school academics that meaningful. I never felt bad getting mediocre grades because I knew I could turn it on when I became interested, which I did in sports. The most helpful class for me was typing class. But I read many books. Anyway, each kid has different growth time frame. I am not at all sad or mad that I did not try hard academically in schools because I tried hard in things that were important to me. Maintaining perfect GPA is not important to your kid and may never be. Or he may be too impatient to study in a disciplined way for a prolonged period of time.
Anyway, genetics is a funny thing because I produced a kid who takes after my deceased mom who was very calm, patient and planning in her goals.
I was one of those. I was a good but not spectacular student in high school, but when the time for standardized tests came around, I blew the rest of my class – including several genuinely brilliant people – out of the water. This surprised me as much as everyone else.
For many years afterward, people in my family and those from my class would criticize me for “not living up to my potential.” What they did not understand is that you can’t judge a person’s capabilities by their test scores alone. Just as there are people who “don’t test well,” there are people who test better than anyone would expect.
Test scores are not something you should feel that you have to “live up to.” If you’re blessed with good ones, all that means is that test scores won’t be a barrier to your admission to a college you would like to attend.
If a kid is a “great test taker,” it’s likely he’s also very smart. I’ve heard of many smart kids not doing well on the SAT because they are poor test takers (due to nerves, etc.), but I’ll bet there are virtually zero kids who score well on the SAT who are not genuinely intelligent. I don’t buy the idea that a good score from a kid with a low GPA is just a fluke.
@Massmomm: Different types of intelligence/skill is required to do well in some classes vs. the SAT.
The SAT doesn’t test memory much or creativity, for instance. Math doesn’t rise much beyond algebra. Just having a large vocabulary and good reading skills (from reading a lot) and strong reasoning skills (and not making mistakes) is enough to reach the top percentile on the SAT.
He doesn’t struggle at all in school, I simply wanted to know if anyone else had a child who does extremely well in school , so happens to be exceptional or standardized test , but shows no interest in much beyond what is right in front of his face. Since making this post I’ve gotten some really good advice mixed with somebody whom missed what I was actually trying to convey. He’s very competitive and loves to compete in academic challenges wining quite a few of them, currently the local spelling bee champ, 3 time mental math champ. With all that being said I simply wanted to know who had a child similar who’s at least a junior in high school who with all of that has no interest in discussing college or future plans. I think I have a better understanding now thanks to many of your responses .
I had a friend who long time ago got into every top colleges early and aced everything academically but did not have a great passion to excel beyond that. Everything academic wise came very easy to him. He’s very calm, humble, and logical person. People have a varying level of motivation at different stages of their lives. Nothing unusual in that. He told me quite honestly that since academics and work came very easily to him, he is content doing better than 95% of people but doesn’t care for pushing himself too hard to do even better. He was top 10% at MIT academically also without pushing himself too much. He even got a law degree at a top 10 law school attending evening program and graduated top 10% just to see what the legal studies was like; he found he didn’t like pushing a bunch of papers that most attorneys have to do according to him. He could have made millions more if he pushed himself really hard but he just didn’t value having too much money all that much. He’s doing pretty well and has a comfortable life. We know he could have done much more though if he really wanted to.
@YaleNHarvardDad My son is a Junior in HS. He has severe ADHD and has been tested a number of times. His IQ is in the 99%. He was asked to join DukeTIP and CTY in middle school - which he declined. His test scores through the years have been consistently through the roof. He is working on his Eagle Scout and is a AAA hockey player who travels every weekend. He is on his school Math team and Lacrosse Team and has been asked to play Football and be the Soccer goalie.
He is a B student. He says grades aren’t important, he is more interested in learning and will go off on tangents that interest him. That may not be the best way to do well on a test in School but he’s still learning. I was frustrated until I realized he’s happy and about as fulfilled as a 16 year old can be. He goes to parties, plays pond hockey and generally enjoys life. He will never go to Yale or Harvard, which is fine with him - and it’s not because he isn’t smart enough. It’s because he is living such a big life.
In contrast D17 worked her ass off at a rigorous prep school. She was a 4.0 student, 36 on the ACT (took it once with 36 in every subsection), 5th in her class, 800, 780 on Math II and Chem SAT II, 6-“5s” and 1 “4” in her APs, National Science Olympian, and a trivarsity athlete who was top 3 in her sport in our state. She was denied at her top 10 choices and is currently attending her safety school as a D1 athlete. It’s been rough although looking at it now, she was lucky to be denied. She’s at a school that values her and has rewarded her for her hard work. She’s trying to transfer, which bums me out because I love her school - but not my life.
FWIW, my son is much happier than my daughter. Perhaps you are looking through this with the wrong lens. You are right to be proud of your Yale/Harvard educated son but your chosen screen name gives a hint that perhaps you align yourself too much with the success of one child who went Ivy. I realize it’s hard not to been blown away by those two admits but there are many paths to success and your younger son seems to be completely in tune with his own needs and what makes him happy, and that’s huge! If your son is engaged and happy and moving forward then you should count your blessings!
@cleoforshort thanks for your thoughtful reply. Let me first say that I stumbled across this forum while searching for information to help me be better at helping my youngest son. As for my user name It wasn’t even thought out I glanced at other names like Cornellmom22, UncPop, Standfordmom etc and used what I had Harvard and Yale. For me my kids all get the same support from me and it’s not based on their achievements or faults it’s just the unconditional love I have for them. It’s weird in society you work so hard to help your kids align themselves on the right path and once they fail or succeed you’re damned if you do or damned if you don’t. Might I add that in other forums in particular those pertaining to high school I have the user name NCSSMDAD which is the high school of my younger son, now does that mean that my younger daughter will feel slighted because she’s only in middle school. I’ve heard many people mention my user name and was shocked when I found I couldn’t change it but it in no way defines me as a person I’m just like 99% of the parents on this thread proud of all of my kids and want the very best for them and if that’s a crime then I’m guilty. Thanks for taking the time to respond I really appreciate it.
That doesn’t mean that the kid is an academic or a scholar. One can be very, very smart but have little or no interest in schooling. Bill Gates did not drop out of Harvard because of lack of smarts.
I understand what @Marian means about facing criticism for “not living up to potential” when a person’s test scores exceed school performance. A lot of very smart people simply have different priorities.
@YaleNHarvardDad - my son, who is also a junior, sounds a bit like your son. He tests very well and is competitive - he used to love spelling bees and other competitions and is very happy to destroy his family in jeopardy. While he takes a very rigorous schedule and does have good grades (except not so much in math), he has never really put a lot of effort into his studies. He really likes to learn, but on his own terms, and up until recently, has spent minimal time on studying or homework. S also thinks college visits are dumb and doesn’t have a good idea of what he will study in college. He has been half joking about majoring in philosophy lately, but it may not be a joke because he really likes his current Theory of Knowledge class. Ultimately I think he will be fine and he excels in many things, including two sports. But I have been frustrated at times to see his lack of effort in some areas. I guess he does what is important to him and I know he’ll find his way.