Anyone else have a child who’s extremley bright but seems to lack that drive normally seen in high achievers? My son took his first and only SAT last year at 15 years old and scored in the 99th percentile in all categories, yet he seems to lack the drive to push himself or challenge himself. His GPA is fine but to me it doesn’t reflect his test scores. Even when we received his scores , naturally as the parent I was happy dancing for 2 hours straight while he was like “ Dad relax”- and wanted to keep it private . Am I freaking out or is this common?
Look back over his life. I expect thet you will see evidence that your child is calmer than you are. So take a deep breath, and follow your kids lead. I know it is tough. Happykid is so much more together, and so much less cranky than her father and I that if I didn’t have cousins with her temperament, and if she didn’t look just like her dad, I would think she’d been switched at birth.
I don’t know how common it is but I think it is a “special” situation to have a kid do well on standardized tests, yet his GPA doesn’t reflect similarly, and it may appear he isn’t motivated to do well in his classes. I would suggest the opposite of happymom. I’d get a private college consultant who can start working with you now on how best to present or “package” your student if you want more than your state school (nothing wrong with flagship state). It does raise a red flag. The other thing a consultant will do is serve as a buffer between you and your student so you don’t have to feel like a nag who is not being listened to. Having gone thru the process recently twice, I sincerely wish you good luck! It’s a tough process, and can be waring on the family in situations like yours.
Personally, I would go the route of finding intellectual things which interest him/her. Look at CTY/Davidson progams and other places where testing in is needed. I would get them to apply for internships or do a project which takes intellectual fortitude. I would not let my kids off that easily. I have two kids who are 99% and one gets stuck sometimes. I tell them, pick something anything and I make sure that they complete it. Following things through is easy for some hard for others. If your child is already in the highest class level available, I would ask them why they think their GPA is X. Possibly you are in a system with highly competitive kids ( some of whom are workers and earning the best grades). Your son/daughter might be put off by them. One of my kids doesn’t care for this type of worker bee. I tell them, mind your own business & grades. Grades are often not related to basic ability. To get the highest grades, many kids become a bit OCD. My own kids tell me about kids visiting the school psychologist daily. They are stressed about grades. What is going on? Are parents pushing these kids?
In terms of sharing SAT results, my own child was mortified when they told a friend and the friend told a teacher. The SAT results were IVY league level in the 7th grade. No coaching, no pre-tests. Had never been tested before. Personally, I was proud. But I shared it only with my bestie. People don’t always understand and want to judge. You have to do what you think is best. But I would find a niche for them to dig deeper into an area of interest. Then leverage that interest back into school.
I was discussing a very similar scenario with my wife this weekend. Kids not taking initiative to X (set up informational interviews over break, reach out to companies, research and apply to scholarships, etc. ) My wife reminded me of a few things:
- She sees my frustration but asks if my dad had similar frustrations with me. Would I have taken the initiative at 18? Very fair question. Although I am highly assertive now (and my whole professional life), I was certainly less when I was a kid. Although more than my kids.
- This is about them, not us. They have to want to do it. We're frustrated because we want it for them more then they want it for themselves. They can't see life through our lens of experience.
- Our generation (us included) have taken care of too many things for our kids. Very different than my parents who were great but far less involved. This has become a real issue. As much as I'd like to go cold turkey, it likely will involve patience and stages. More prompting and less doing. Then hopefully less prompting. I plan on answering questions with questions and let them come up with the answers. "Dad, what would you say or what should I write in a thank you letter, etc." From now on I will make a conscious effort to refrain from answering other than by saying, "What do you want to say, how do you want to say it, pretend I'm him and what would you write to me, etc" Sounds overly juvenile but I think we need to spend some time there before we expect them to thrive. We have unrealistic expectations based upon the environment we created.
Thanks for all of your responses you all make great points my situation is really different as my oldest is that intellect that says try similar things you guys pointed out. Trust me I’ve tried most, I was really and still am hoping he’s just going to wake up and say I got it Dad! My first son was highly self motivated to the point he had his choice of college in the 7th grade and made it happen, he attended Yale and now is in Harvard Grad, the issue I have is that fine line of individuality never making the younger one feel as though he has to do the same or even similar. I want him to just maximize the potential I know he has . His brother is an excellent mentor and guides and encourages him to no end but I’m home with him so I see there’s much room for growth and improvement , and I do agree I can’t allow him to get off that easy, I’m just curious to see if any other parents encountered something similar.
Agree with you rickle1. Always a hard balance. Where does hunger come from in a person so that they want to succeed and take the steps to get there? Sad thing is, my generation had a much longer runway. We could do so-so in high school and still do extremely well. Kids today are under pressure earlier. It’s not based on intellectual growth but on getting a high paying job. Definitely have to decide as a family what’s important. I have been pretty strict so that’s plus and minus. As the kids grow, have to think about it more. Some kids are just so self motivated and others are not.
Woww Happytime I never shared his scored until finally after much prodding we shared it with his Principal who promised to keep it confidential. I did notice after doing a summer program at NC State he came home AB little proud after learning of others scores and their hopes and dreams for college he seemed taken back that not many do well on those test yet. We have the rest of this year and next to get him motivated I’m praying it comes from within sooner than later
@YaleNHarvardDad I understand completely. Second son may be trying to deal with living in the shadows of high achieving older sib and maybe family expectations, thereby giving himself some “reasons” for not getting into Harvard or Yale. Again, a good college consultant can work with your student to build on his strengths making it not so scary a process and lessen the fear of failure. I sound like a broken record, but what I’ve learned thru the process twice is that the best thing a parent can do is repeat, “I believe in you.” to the student and make him really feel that no matter what luck has in store for him, he will be all right and you will continue to love him unconditionally.
@preppedparent Thanks for your response, and I must say I have been extremely careful to never let that happen, my 2nd child my daughter wants to be a chef and she just graduated from Johnson & Wales , In my House I’m the cheerleader , ultimately it’s their lives to live . I always stop people when they tell him he’s the next ( referring to hi brother) and say he’s not the next he’s the first to be him. I have a problem with that because his school brought it up a number of times and it almost made me feel as if he was being forced to be ashamed of his brother. We had a long discussion on it and I can assure he has no issues related to any of his siblings success, they are all very close. My honest opinion is that he just has no clue what he wants to do which is not uncommon for me as I didn’t either even after graduating high school. But I’m also open to him speaking with someone outside of my family .
We have a lot of children, 5 of whom are now adults. One thing that is crystal clear to me is that they are first and foremost individuals. You cannot project yourself onto them. You cannot make them want what you want. Adult goals have to be internalized and pursued under their own steam.
Our kids fall across the spectrum of academic/career goal, everything from engineering to 2 yr Allied health degree to pursuing a PhD. Each career path suits their personalities and individual goals. The one who earned her 2 yr degree would never have completed a PhD bc what she wants out of life is completely different. Same with her siblings.
Fwiw, you can guide them, but ultimately you want them to take ownership over their own life.
Fwiw, I can share a conversation my ds and I had with another mom when my oldest was 17 and her ds was a college junior. She asked him where he wanted to go to college. He told her. She asked him what he wanted to major in and he replied chemE. She then asked him his ACT score. He told her. (His score was solid, but far from a 36.) She looked him in the eye and told him he would never make it and give it up now bc her ds was a 36er and had been awarded a full ride scholarship to that school and had started as a chemE but flunked out the dept. My ds attended, graduated with honors, and is now a chemE. Internal motivation matters.
My advice is to expose him to lots of career options and the various paths to get there. What does he want to do with his life? Helping him figure that out is a gift.
ETA: I was typing while you posted your last post. It sounds like you are a great advocate for your children.
Personality is different from intellect. My similar kid was not motivated by grades, even though he knew he could do really well if he put forth a little more effort. The kid that got an 800 on the US History SAT and a 5 on the AP PUSH, but a B+ in the class because he didn’t always hand in the work. At some point I accepted that even though he had the smarts for a top ten, he was just not competitive in that way and would not thrive there. He probably ranked just outside the top 10% of his grade and went to a very good, but not top 25, university and did well. He has some anxiety issues and is a big procrastinator. It is just how it is. I don’t see how I could have changed him or forced him to be different. He does well in his chosen profession, but will never be a mover and shaker.
He enjoyed the GT program at school and one CTY summer, but that did not push him to be more motivated in school.
I see you look to be in NC. Have you considered having him apply to NCSSM? Being around a set of high-achieving kids my help motivate him.
I have a kid like that. Extremely high test scores, so-so GPA (by CC standards). She went to a very good, but not tippy top college that SHE picked and she loved. She is now a Physics grad student, and passed a large section of her grad school quals test yesterday on her first try. My point is that you have to let them find their own path, and they will likely excel in it.
Let them pick from a variety of college types – don’t push Ivies just because you prefer them, for example (your name is a giveaway there). Show him LACs, tech schools, state flagships, etc. Don’t let any desire you have for prestige get in the way of your kid doing what they choose and what fits their personality and interests.
A “test score heavy” applicant may have greater success when applying to colleges that more heavily weight test scores versus grades/rank in their evaluation of academic criteria. An example would be USC (Trojans).
What do you want your kid to be doing? Prepping to apply to Harvard or Yale? Maybe he isn’t ready to make that kind of jump yet.
Are you concerned about the types of colleges he might be considering in the future?
Not sure what your concern is…at this point.
What year in HS is your kiddo?
Sample of ONE. We know a great kid who got a perfect…PERFECT SAT score first try. 1600/1600. Kid went to our state flagship on a full ride. Has had a very successful life so far.
@yearstogo yes I am, my first son graduated from there and my second son was also accepted , however he’s in an excellent school now with some extremely motivated kids my babygirl being one of them, he has a few friends who from what I see appear to be highly motivated so he’s surrounded by the right crowd , maybe I’m a bit over critical Since he’s actually my son and I know the potential that’s bottled up inside of him and I would rather die than to watch him just settle if that makes sense
Please explain “just settle”. Just settle for what?
Maybe he’s not pushing himself academically because he’s not challenged? Or he’s just not interested in school. What is he interested in? What makes him happy? I’d work on finding that out. Honestly with a great SAT score he has so many doors open for him already so he can probably coast with “fine GPA.” I’d work on developing goals and interests instead. If you have the means let him pick a summer travel experience and set up some carrots to earn it.
Please get away from the tiger parent idea that colleges other than Yale and Harvard are “beneath” your kids.