Personal Statement Critique **URGENT**

<p>Can anyone read my PS and critique it? It's the UC Question #1 and it's due tonight at midnight.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>Word Count: 637</p>

<p>I used to envy my friends because they continued to have companionship long after we concluded our youthful endeavors; I was the lone member without a sibling. I frequently lamented my grievances to my parents, and they soothingly replied with “ahora no, mijo” every time. When my brothers, ** and <em>, were born, I finally had the brotherly love that I desired. However, I did not expect any of the debacles that I faced when I wanted a camaraderie formed by *</em>, *<em>, and myself; I was not ready to handle them.
*</em>and *
both had speech delay and were labeled as “mildly autistic.” I could not bear to listen to the speech therapist say those horrendous words; I was in shock. I never noticed any deficiency in their communication abilities whenever I played with them. My parents never observed anything wrong with my brothers as well, but only when I was around them. In school, ** and ** never talked or followed instructions. At home, they were the complete opposite – they laughed and did as they were told. “Tu eres la diferencia en ellos,” my mother told me. I had to help my brothers break their bubble.
However, I faced great difficulty in balancing my brothers and school. I worked very hard to be able to take rigorous classes that I was able to excel in, but my brothers were my ultimate priority. Inevitably, I performed very poorly in school; I failed as a student. Despite the obvious consequences of my actions, I continued to foolishly do them. I soon realized that I was following the same path that many other Latino students took before me: taking care of your family even if it meant that you had to drop out of school. I started to accept that path when my father lost his job; my family needed my help more than ever. I was ready to drop out of high school and enter the workforce, but my father told me, “Tu ya tienes dos trabajos, la escuela y alludando a tus hermanos.”
As the new school year approached, I was ready to give my brothers and school the same amount of dedication. However, I noticed that my brothers’ speech abilities were diminishing. They attended speech therapy classes after school at the community center, but it was not enough to help them. I told my parents to stop sending them to the ineffective classes, but they said that the classes are the best option that we have because of our financial burdens. Then, without any hesitance, I told them that I would help them as I did before. However, this time I would not disregard school. This time, I would incorporate both into my path. I taught my brothers about U.S. history and how to solve derivatives; they became my study partners. I took them to my internship all the way across town to participate in phone banks, and I had them help out fellow peers at the library. They even sat in on my classes at the local city college. I finally stabilized my disordered life.
The trek that I went through with my brothers became a symbol for what I should do in my life: public service. Communities compromised of inhabitants with low socio-economic status’ have influenced many young people such as myself to focus on short-term goals such as putting food on the table instead of influencing long-term goals that will take them out of poverty. I know that I will be able to change this in my community and many more because I have been able to break the influence of my community. Rising above mediocrity has aspired me to pursue a life of helping those with similar difficulties. If communities won’t help their own people, then no one else will.</p>

<p>Dude UC deadline was Sunday…</p>

<p>They extended it to today. I called and verified. </p>

<p>Either way I thought the essay was fine. Not too great, the topic was pretty good if all of that was true, but it could have been executed better, you want your essay to convey more about you as a person , and by that I mean you need to connect this better with how it effected you and influenced you. You tried to do that, but with the way it was written it just didn’t work for me. Also you dedicated allot of your 1000 word limit to this essay and there was allot of uneeded stuff in there./… you prob shouldn’t put your essays on the public threads</p>

<p>Im not sure how much emphasis ucs put on essays but I don’t think this essay will be a positive, not necesarilly a negative either tho</p>

<p>I think you can cut your first paragraph down to two or three sentences explaining what happened to your brother’s and retain the same meaning. As matmass suggested you could use the extra words to say more about yourself. While reading I also wondered what specifically you were doing to help your siblings in paragraph 2. Paragraph 3 is the strongest part of your essay as far as content, so I suggest expanding upon on what’s already there. The story here is pretty compelling, but you need more about what you learned and how you changed as a result.</p>

<p>Also, “alludando a tus hermanos”… ayudando?</p>

<p>Thank you matmass and Fineman for your critique!</p>

<p>Not a very impressive essay, but it’s a fine essay</p>

<p>The content is fine; the story is interesting, but the writing itself is awkward. I strongly recommend you use words that you would typically use, because these phrases are painful to read:</p>

<p>“after we concluded our youthful endeavors”
“lamented my grievances to my parents”
“any of the debacles that I faced when I wanted a camaraderie formed by”
“to take rigorous classes that I was able to excel in”
“without any hesitance” <— hesitance?
“Communities compromised of inhabitants” <— COMPRISED, not compromised</p>

<p>The last one should be “communities composed of” because to say “something is comprised of” is incorrect.</p>

<p>Comprised is correct</p>

<p>Thanks guys. Yea i cut out “youthful endeavors” and changed my final paragraph. I cut it down to 601 words. Thanks for the critique guys! </p>