I am currently in a relationship with a nice guy who treats me super well, does not force me to do anything I do not want, and makes me feel like a princess. I think he is seriously in love with me because he spends all his time with me. I like him too, but i have my doubts.
I think he is a good catch and girls like him, so him doing all these for me makes me feel special. However…he is a few years older than me and he does not have a stable job or college degree (although he is very motivated). He also hangs out with a group of friends completely different from mines.
On the other hand, I have feelings for this guy who does not give the attention I wanted or make me feel loved. He have asked me out a couple of times and pays for dinner etc. I do not know what this guy wants. I don’t hear from him often (maybe once every 1.5 week). He is flirty but he does not contact me frequently (which he should be doing if he likes me). I think he might be after something else.
I like the first guy but I do not see any long term potential there. Do you think I should still see the first guy or wait out on the second guy?
To be fair, my chemistry with the nice guy is off the rooftop and he told me he does not fall in love with any girls and is surprised he did. It’s just that we are from two different cultural backgrounds (and his background consists of a little more complicated people…although he is a good guy) that makes me hesitate it a bit.
You shouldn’t stay with the first guy just because he’s nice. You seem to like the idea of a relationship with him more than you like the relationship itself. That doesn’t mean you should date someone who isn’t nice to you and doesn’t pay attention to you, though. Find someone you like and who does those things.
NOTE that this is a reply from a Parent. Just realized this was posted in College Life AFTER I wrote this.
Trust your gut instincts. Your hesitation says it all.
I suggest slowing down with First Guy and see how he reacts. Watch for any signs of manipulation or using his “love” to try to control you or make you feel guilty for trying to break up.
I would let go emotionally of Second Guy also. He doesn’t seem interested in a long-term relationship. If you are fine with the occasional date, then sure, keep going out with him. But guard your heart and be honest with yourself about the reality of this more casual relationship.
There are great guys out there, really nice fellas that also have drive and ambition AND want a serious relationship. Don’t SETTLE for lesser than what your heart desires. You are too young for that!
Thanks for the reply! I know I should guard my heart but I still have a little hope…I don’t know why.
First guy is actually very awesome. Comes out to pick me up at 3 in the morning after I went to a house party, stays on the phone with me, prioritize me over some of his other friends etc. It is a nice change since I have not dated the best guys in the world.
I agree…you know that first guy isn’t right for you. That is why you are asking us. He seems attentive, but is this attention or control?
Also, he doesn’t have a stable job or a college degree…is this someone you want to build a life with? You have already said no.
1st guy have his own online business so he is doing ok financially. It is just not that stable and he have a full time job that does not pay too well ($16)
I have a different viewpoint. Nice guys do not grow on trees. In the long run, being nice and kind is really, really important. You seem concerned about his ability to make a living – is he just marking time with his current employment, or seeking to improve his situation?
The first guy is an errand boy, the second one is a jerk. You can do better. Don’t confuse desperate with “nice”. And really, what does “nice” mean, anyway? Someone who constantly puts your needs before their own? That’s exhausting. Who wants to be put on a pedestal like that?
Look for a kind guy who respects you and himself.
Those behave very differently than either of the two you described.
Look for a guy who isn’t threatened by your being successful. Finish school first. If either of these guys are good for you, they will let you improve yourself.
Typically, good guys have their own activities that increase in respect. Have you been to a family function yet, on either side of the family? This is very telling.
A serious partner wants the best for you and encourages you to succeed without relationship pressures. My future husband kept encouraging me to finish grad school. He worked a grunt job during college but had a great work ethic while there. He met my family at a picnic and stayed in the background, but helped with food and graciously spent time with my aunts and uncles. He respected my need to be focused on my studies and my job. We took it very slowly and I really respected him for that.
Being a good person and being the right person to date are two different things. I would have to agree mostly with @halcyonheather here. The career of the first guy shouldn’t matter - if you like someone that much to want long term, you will find a way to live together (most of the time, circumstances do affect love, but they can be worked with).
It seems like Guy 1 likes you a lot more than you like him - I wouldn’t recommend continuing that for long based on what we know here. If anything, it seems like you’re using him even. That said, he sounds like a great guy - keep that standard and move on when you’re ready.
As for Guy 2, I think people are being very quick to judgement here: he’s a casual friend - he’s not going to make you feel loved or give you an incredible amount of attention - that can change as you get closer. That said, there’s certainly some flags (did he ask you out while you were in a relationship?), and if you pursue I would be wary. Also, paying for meals doesn’t mean anything. A relationship shouldn’t be affected by that - in all of my relationships, everyone pays for themselves - you’re there for the person, and you both should have an equal stake in the relationship.
If you approach Guy 2, I’d recommend being very straight forward and asking him what he’s up to - it could all be a misunderstanding, but knowing what’s going on before doing anything would be best. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, and some seem to be biting - don’t rush into anything with Guy 2.
I married the nice guy so I know which one I’d pick, but it sounds like you’re not into him (which is fine) and he deserves to know that. If his lack of job and education is important to you, then you need to be honest with both yourself and him.
The second guy probably isn’t contacting you because you’re in a relationship (is it an open/non-exclusive relationship?). Perhaps after you and guy #1 end it, you can explore with #2.
Whatever you do, do NOT use guy #1 as your boytoy until you decide you’d rather be with #2. It’s a really crappy thing to do and will lead to way more pain for him in the end.
1st guy: Not that I don’t like him. I do. I LOVE talking to him and he is cute. Good thing is he get girls but he pushes everyone out for me. It is nice to feel special. He is also talented with the piano so its cute when he plays.
2nd guy: I have hung out with once since I got into the relationship. He does not really know about guy 1. I have mentioned it briefly, that is all. He doesn’t seem to care that much? I like him since I actually knew him longer. I liked him from the first time I have met him but he doesnt seem to interested…so I moved on with guy 1 (Dont get me wrong, I like guy 1). Now guy 2 is back and he is becoming more initiative…I just don’t know if I can ever change someone who doesn’t want a relationship.
I am not saying guy 1 sucks for not having a college degree. I dont care that much. But I have been asked out by grad student in fields such as bio and engineering and I can’t help but compare. If I stick with guy 1, I will stick with him through thick and thin though.
Just the fact that you are asking strangers about this seems to answer your question.
Guy 1: Based on what you wrote, he is safe, a known quantity, reliable. Maybe not as exciting since you have gotten past the honeymoon phase.
Guy 2: The unknown. Seems exciting to you because of that. You are probably thinking/dreaming what a relationship could be like. It sounds a little bit like the “grass is greener on the other side of the fence”.
My advice: The fact that you seem to be seriously interested/thinking about guy 2 seems to indicate that you feel something is missing in your current relationship. Is it? If so fix it or be honest with guy 1 and move on. Be fair and not just lead guy 1 on until something better comes along. He does not deserve that.
The hard part is that at there will always be a guy 2 that will look better from a far. The trick is determining when guy 1 is the one worth keeping instead.
Guy 2 just seems like a toll who just wants to have fun (of course, I could be wrong). But if Guy 1 is really as nice as you say, talk to him about your concerns. If he cares for you he will explain his situation and you can understand him better. Of course, still be careful…