Please critique my college app. essay for UF.

Applying to College Common and Coalition Application
1

<p>In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.</p>

<p>At twelve years old, there I was standing in a complete trance gazing upon one of the most impressive things I had ever seen – the Biltmore Mansion. All day I had been dreading this trip as we drove to visit what I had imagined to be a large, unimpressive, 1890’s shack! Little did I know, this “shack” would entice me into the world of architecture. After this day, my parents would soon find me awake at seven o’clock in the morning watching HGTV and in my room late at night creating blue prints. This was not just an infatuation that would soon end; it went on for years and has become a love of mine. This being said, it is my aspiration to put my ideas into reality and become an architect. One of the things I believe attracts me to beautiful architecture such as the Biltmore Mansion is the lack of it in my hometown. I am from a very small town that has not acquired a new building in 30 years. It would be a dream come true to introduce new enchanting architecture into my hometown, making it more beautiful as well as enjoyable. My experience of growing up in a small town while being inspired by architecture has taught me to set high goals for myself. Other than my town not having any interest in architecture, my high school has no art department which has put me at a loss for career preparation. Not only do I want to be an architect, I want to be the best. Due to lack of schedule options, my junior year I dual enrolled to get ahead rather than to get behind. For the same reasons, I am early admitted to college for my senior year. I am taking courses that challenge me, in hope of becoming the best I can be. Also, to prove that not coming from one of the top schools or the top clubs does not affect my determination or skill sets for my career in architecture. Living in a place with limitations has really given me motivation to move on to a place where there are no limitations to what a person can do. I know that the University of Florida is the exact place I want to be, and is my first choice college. As a student at the University of Florida I would take full advantage of all opportunities given to me, and strive to succeed in all of my studies to one day introduce beautiful architecture to my hometown, and others like it. My determination for success is what makes me a good contribution to the University of Florida community.</p>

2

<p>You’re going about the prompt all wrong in my opinion…</p>

<p>Firstly,

  1. " My experience of growing up in a small town while being inspired by architecture has taught me to set high goals for myself. " – I think you should reword this.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>" Not only do I want to be an architect, I want to be the best. " – Very cliche in my opinion, I think you should remove this or reword it at least.</p></li>
<li><p>" Due to lack of schedule options, my junior year I dual enrolled to get ahead rather than to get behind. For the same reasons, I am early admitted to college for my senior year. I am taking courses that challenge me, in hope of becoming the best I can be. "</p></li>
</ol>

<p>-- Don’t cram in your academic achievements into your essays. You do that elsewhere in the common app… even if they say you can talk about your “academic integrity”, I feel that it isn’t a good idea.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>" Also, to prove that not coming from one of the top schools or the top clubs does not affect my determination or skill sets for my career in architecture. " – I don’t really get what you mean by this. Try rewording?</p></li>
<li><p>“As a student at the University of Florida I would take full advantage of all opportunities given to me” – Too vague. Think of something specific that the university will offer you.</p></li>
</ol>

<hr>

<p>Overall I don’t think you answered the prompt. You sort of started off answering it with your Biltmore Mansion story, but didn’t really develop on it and left it hanging. </p>

<p>I think you should try to find something specific that really drew you to the field of architecture. Have you done any internships etc? Perhaps this is a good place to write about it.</p>

3

<p>You’re writing about a meaningful experience AND HOW it will affect your college experience or your contribution to UF campus community.</p>

<p>Meaningful experience - Visit to Biltmore. Expound on what exactly you found inspiring/impressive about it etc.</p>

<p>How . . . Add 2 or three paragraphs answering this part of the prompt. (use paragraphs) I get the idea that you want to say that a building opened your eyes etc. You have to actually say it.</p>

4

<p>Thanks for the constructive criticism! I am stumped here. Never been good at relating what’s in my head onto paper. Really appreciate it.</p>

5

<p>List your main points and subpoints - those are your paragraphs. Fill in with specifics. </p>

<p>Write like you are just telling the story to a friend. Once it flows, rewrite to make it sound more articulate - for the Adcom ;). GL</p>

6

<p>Thank you!</p>