<p>25 min SAT essay.
Question : Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money. fame, or power ?</p>
<p>Although concience may at times be a more compelling force than money, power, and fame- it has been shown throughout history that motivation and many human endevors were sparked by avarice, not ethics. In the early colonial periods, the cruelty of the spanish conquistadores demonstrated in their treament of native americans was by no means driven by concience. The spanish were in search of wealth, and whether the way in which they go about acquiring wealth is "wrong" was obviously not a deterrent to their actions. Literature has also revealed the extent to which individuals are driven to obtain money and fame at the cost of their own welfare and that of their own family. </p>
<p>In the 16th Century, sea exploration was adopted by most european countries and had led to the discovery of the Americas. Christopher Columbus, a renowned explorer credited for his discovery of America, regarded the Inhabitants in the Americas(Native Americans) as mere savages who present spain with an excellent slave labor force in 1492. The native Americans were captured and forced into slavery, treated as inferiors in an unknown world. It would be ignorant to say that the spanish had no sense of what was right and what was wrong. The native americans were not forced into servitude simply because the spanish thought it was the "right" thing to do, it was because failing to comply with the Ruthless kings orders would lead to defamation. </p>
<p>In The Jungle by upton sinclair, the protagonist Jugris and his wife Ona emigrated to the United States in search of a better life. Instead, they found themselves bounded to a society run by politcal machines in the stockyards of chicago. Onas health deteriorated and eventually she died. Jugris, instead of listening to his "conscience" and choosing a different path for his life, chose to become a spy for a corrupt political party-driven by his desire for fame, for acceptance. </p>
<p>Conscience is a powerful force, it exists in all of us. yet in history , we see numerous accounts of individuals flouting their morals and beliefs to pursue wealth and Fame. Sometimes the greatest source for motivation is derived from what exists outside of us and beyond our reach-things that we can neither feel nor touch until we give up what is closest to us. </p>
<p>i say a 10...i like the first example a lot, but not so much the second one because i think u need more relevant detail for the second example so that the reader knows exactly what ur talking about. but the first example was fit. u have a pretty nice style of writing and organization so thats y i give it a 10.</p>
<p>I apologize for being a downer, but I don't believe this is a 10-11 essay. A 7-8 score would be far more appropriate. I'll just give a quick summary of pros and cons in this essay.</p>
<p>Good:
+Follows the basic "formula for success" with a thesis, 1 historical and 1 literary example, and a conclusion
+Well-developed first example with good use of historical background
+Some good use of vocabulary (deterrent, avarice) and punctuation (dashes)</p>
<p>Work on:
-Watch your spelling and grammar. I saw a couple of comma splices, incorrect usage of punctuation marks, and many misspelled words (not sure if they were typos or originally misspelled)
-You don't have a strong thesis. Your introduction basically says "sometimes conscience wins, sometimes greed wins." Find a more specific area to focus on and examine which one is prevalent in that narrow area.
-Second example not fully fleshed out and analyzed. Good choice for an example but execution could have been stronger.</p>
<p>Well I don't think it's a 7, it's probably at least an 8, but I think the 11-12s are a little too generous. I think this would be around an 8-9. But I dunno, I'm trying to improve my essay writing too.</p>
<p>hey quix. i was just saying you are not convincing the readers about the topic. rather you are listing stuff. it could have been much better if you could convince the readers with your "BROAD" knowledge.</p>