This essay recieved a 12 on the college board e-rater, how accurate is it?

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<p>Prompt: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<pre><code> In a society such as that of today's, it is very difficult to keep thoughts or private entities, well...private. With the Internet on all corners of our lives, it becomes a hasselful task to maintain our private information. Social networks such as Facebook, Myspace, and Twitter compel us to expose our names, age, gender, relationship status, and origin. With these very sensitive information, people with bad intentions may steal our identity.
The social networking sites of today provide others with very sensitive information that may be used to destroy our lives (hence identity theft.) With an extra bit of caution and effort, we might increase our private space and decrease the dangers of horrific identity theft. Cautious doings such as creating a private profile where only family and friends are allowed access is a legit step to achieving the goal of "adequate and safe" privacy.
Besides Facbook, Twitter is another abused way of endangering our privacy. Twitter has a sole rationale of posting on-the-minute activities that we are doing. Let's put a small demonstration in play. A young lady, let's call her Emma, encompasses a Twitter account with five hundred followers, half of whom she doesn't know, has her profile under the category of "public." Those strangers that are following her might as well be murderers, rapists, sex offenders, or even serial killers. Emma posts, "OMG! I just bought the cutest shoes from Green Acres Mall!" Analyzing this very quote, it is manifest that this y
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<p>oung lady gave away her location to nearly 250 strangers. Well, the rapist sees the Tweet, googles "Green Acres Mall" and as easy as one-two-three, he now knows exactly where Emma is. He tracks Emma, waits for the perfect moment and then does his terrible act. While these social networking sites have wonderful ways to stay connected with loved ones, they, however are a direct connection to the intoxicated minds on the face of earth.
These sites, Facebook, Twitter, etc., break piracy, safety, and security if not arminestered and used vigilantely. On the other side of the pendulum, creating a private profile serves the purpose of connecting with trustful people. Obviously, it is not a hasselful effort for one to click the "PRIVATE" button on a computer screen. This button is simply the button of security, privacy, and in some cases the button between life and death.</p>

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<p>I think the essay would be unlikely to score a 12 in “real life” Yaziinyz–sorry to say this.
Your essay has strong points in organization and simple, direct phrasing with active verbs. It is also interesting to read and shows signs of humor while discussing a serious issue, but the humor is kept appropriate. However, it has too many “glitches” in it to score at 12 from human readers.</p>

<p>I do not mean to discourage you with the listing that follows. If you find it discouraging, please don’t read it!</p>

<p>“A society such as that of today’s” is not a natural phrasing. You’d be better off with “in our society.” I have heard that errors/infelicities in the first sentence are generally ignored, so you might get away with it. But then continuing, “hasselful” is not a word. You can’t say “these information,” because “these” is a plural modifier. You could say “this information” or “these items of information” or “these data.” Generally, it would be better to avoid the use of “of today” unless you absolutely have to include it. You will not find usage like this in the New York Times editorial page–and that would be a good guide to stylistics. “Hence” means “therefore” and not “for example,” which would be closer to the use in your phrase “hence identity theft.” Also, at that point, when you conclude a sentence with a parenthetical expression, the period goes outside the parentheses. You only have a period inside parentheses if the parentheses enclose an entire sentence. In the sentence that starts out with “Cautious doings,” the subject is “cautious doings” and you have used the verb “is.” This is a disagreement in number, so “is” should be “are.” It would also be better to replace “doings” by “actions.” The verb “encompass” is not used correctly, when you mean that the person “has” a Twitter account. Technically, “quote” is a verb, and the noun is “quotation.” The use of “quote” as a noun keeps rising, but you might have an essay reader who really dislikes it. The phrase “does his terrible act” is weakened by the use of the generic verb “does.” Your punctuation is out of joint in the spot “loved ones, they, however.” The word “arminestered” should be “administered.” The word “vigilantely” should be “vigilantly.” In a pendulum metaphor, the pendulum swings from side to side, but it’s not common to write of the side of the pendulum itself. Where you have “trustful,” you actually mean “trusted.” A trusted person is someone you can rely on; a trustful person is someone who places a lot of trust in others (often, whether they deserve it or not). Then you have “hasselful” again.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is powerful, and the readers are aware that you have a very limited time to produce an essay. So, overall, I think you’ve done well, but you would be very unlikely in my opinion to receive a 12 on the actual test.</p>

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<p>Thank you so much for this great advice. I TRULY appreciate it. Now that you’ve pointed out my weaknesses, I’m definatley going to work on improvements. Thank you.</p>