<p>Hi, I am an international student preparing for the SAT exam (I am taking my first on Saturday). I would be extremely grateful if someone could grade my essay or give me some tips on how to improve it. Thank you in advance! :)</p>
<p>Assignment: Does progress reduce the number of problems in the world, or does solving old problems just lead to new ones? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>
<p>My essay:</p>
<p>Although some people believe that finding solutions to the old problems leads to new ones, I believe that in the majority of cases progress serves to improve the quality of our lives. As seen through medicine and technology, discoveries from the past had ineffably beneficial influence on our world.</p>
<p>The thesis that progress reduces the number of problems in the world is clearly seen through the serendipitous discovery of penicillin made by Scottish scientist Alexander Fleming. During one of his casual observations in a laboratory, Fleming discovered fungus, which later proved to be useful in treating many previously lethal diseases. The discovery of penicillin led to the great development in the field of antibiotics, which are now used to prevent many life-threatening diseases. This example clearly supports the thesis that world benefits from new inventions.</p>
<p>Another illustration which depicts the idea that progress is valuable for our world is the invention of the light bulb by Thomas Edison. The light bulb not only made it possible to detect hazards and improve safety in the cities but also heavily influenced the development of industrialism. It facilitated the extension of working hours, which resulted in the growth of industries. What is more, almost every field of today's industry would not be able to flourish without the use of the light bulb. This example proves the statement that a new invention helps to reduce the number of problems as well as enables further progress.</p>
<p>As seen in the previous medical and technological examples, solving old problems leads to constant progress as well as makes our lives more burden free. As William Rowlinson once said, “By making one step forward, you help others to make another two.” Progress is vital to the development of our world and we should not underestimate its importance.</p>
<p>This is pretty fact-heavy. You need to limit the amount of factual evidence you cite while commenting on the big-picture significance of whatever evidence you DO cite.</p>
<p>Also, the essay is quite a lot longer than necessary.</p>
<p>Check out these pieces that accomplish nothing:</p>
<p>I believe that</p>
<p>The thesis that progress reduces the number of problems in the world is clearly seen through</p>
<p>The discovery of penicillin</p>
<p>Another illustration which depicts the idea that progress is valuable for our world is</p>
<p>This example proves the statement that</p>
<p>As seen in the previous medical and technological examples</p>
<p>There are other examples.</p>
<p>It seems as though you took the easy way out on this one. Had you argued the opposite point of view, you might have developed it more thoroughly. (Developing your point of view is one of the instructions in the prompt!)</p>
<p>This is a three, maybe a four if you land a kind reader.</p>
<p>I like your essay a lot, karolin. I think that your connecting phrases such as “The thesis that progress reduces the number of problems in the world is clearly seen though” and “As seen in the previous medical and technological examples” are fine, actually.</p>
<p>A few suggestions to improve the essay:</p>
<p>1) You should drop the $24 words when a $1 word will do. For example, in your first paragraph, you mention “ineffably beneficial influence.” Technically, “ineffable” means “not capable of being expressed.” But then in the essay, you are expressing the beneficial influence. This seems somewhat contradictory. Your use of “serendipitous” is correct, and it is okay, but the fact that the discovery was serendipitous does not do anything to advance your thesis. You do not actually need to use impressive vocabulary words to get a high score, and a word used imprecisely will tend to lower your score.</p>
<p>2) Watch your use of articles. “The discovery of penicillin led to the great development in the field of antibiotics, which are now used to prevent many life-threatening diseases.” A native speaker would write "The discovery of penicillin led to great developments. . . " The word “the” ahead of great development is a bit jarring. The phrase “in the field of” could be replaced by “in.” This would also decomplicate the reference you are making with “which” (to “antibiotics” as opposed to “field”).</p>
<p>3) In your statement “This example proves the statement that a new invention helps to reduce the number of problems as well as enables further progress” the phrase “as well as enables” seems awkward to me. I think it would be better to say simply "helps to reduce the number of problems and to enable . . . " Generally in English, simpler is better.</p>
<p>4) You would benefit a lot from writing a longer essay. Your grammar, vocabulary, constructions, and logic are generally fine. Given that, you will almost certainly receive a higher score for a longer essay. I know that CB says that short essays can also receive very high scores, but I’d advise against relying on it.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for your help and useful advice! I still have to work on my grammar and sometimes I get confused with the articles.</p>
<p>About the phrases you quoted @QuantMech: “The thesis that progress reduces the number of problems in the world is clearly seen though” or “As seen in the previous medical and technological examples” - I decided to use them after I read Tom Clements’ book ''How to write a killer SAT essay" in which he advised it was good to start each body paragraph with a transition sentence that recaps the topic of an essay. He wrote it made it easier for readers to get through the essay as quickly as possible etc. That is why I decided to put such sentences in my essay.</p>
<p>And about the length of my essay - I filled 2 pages and my handwriting is rather medium but I guess I will just have to make it a little bit smaller 
In fact, when I finished writing my 2nd body paragraph, I still had some time left and one more example in my head but no space to write it ;)</p>
<p>Thank you once again for your help!:)</p>
<p>I read Tom Clements’ book ''How to write a killer SAT essay" in which he advised it was good to start each body paragraph with a transition sentence that recaps the topic of an essay.</p>
<p>Good luck with that. I sincerely hope it works out well for you.</p>