Please grade my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I did this on my own under timed conditions. I know I should have written a paragraph, but I didn't. </p>

<p>WHAT MOTIVATES PEOPLE TO CHANGE?</p>

<p>Motivation can be defined as the fuel that powers a person to fulfill his or her greatest dreams and desires. Motivation can be sparked by other people, places or things, but it must ultimatley come from within that person..</p>

<p>Jack Kerouac's novel On the Road is an account of Sal Paradis, the protagonist's, journey throughout American, symbolizing a search for self-discovery. After his painful divorce, he decided to take on the vagrant lifestyle of his friend Dean and join him on his travels. This readiness to leave as fueled by his desire to escape the depressing mundane and embrace what the country, and essentially life, has to offer. Because of the influence of his friend and his desire for change, Sal finds true love and happiness. Although this euphoria did not come easily, his thirst for adventure and self discovery was quenched.</p>

<p>The prevalent role that surrounding circumstances play in change is also evident in Ray Bradbury's novel Fahrenheit 451. The protagonist is a fire fighter, who's main responisbility is to find books banned by the government and destroy them, with hopes that the ideas within them will not spread. The ideas found in these books are considered dangerous because they are unorthodox and disavow the government's stringent teachings. After much temptation, he reads the books and finds truth within them. Although he was initially driven to destroy these books and prevent the spread of the ideas within them, he becomes adiment in spreading the knowledge found within these books, with hopes of starting a revolution.</p>

<p>The motivation that one holds within is oftentimes aimed to spread to others, in order to evoke a change. THis holds true in the execution of former gang member Tookie Williams. Although he was imprisoned and sentanced to death for hate crimes, Williams recognized the severity of his actions and spread his new found views as a form of repentence. He spread his message of peache through his followers, and later wrote influential books, including a children's book. Although he was one considered the epitome of hate, he became one of the most influential peace activists in California, because he acted on his motivation to become a more peaceful person, despite his past hateful actions.</p>

<p>Honesty, critcism and suggestions would be excellent. I read F451 3 years ago and couldn't remember his name and I think I fabricated some of the stuff in it, but they can't lower your grade if it's wrong.</p>

2

<p>one 5 and one 6</p>

<p>11</p>

3

<p>you should save time for a conclusion. . .</p>

4

<p>I'd give you a 3 or a 4. This may seem harsh, but follow my reasoning (with a grain of salt of course, since I'm not an SAT grader - and I'm also looking at other essays to see what to do and what not to do). Don't take it too harshly, as I'm trying to help. I can be completely wrong about all of this, so seek another opinion, but one with a good explanation.</p>

<p>Your essay is long, which should give you at least a 3. Usually I'd say at least a 4 but your focus gets off to a poor start in your intro.</p>

<p>First of all, in your introduction, you don't mention change at all. Isn't that the subject of the essay? Forget about motivation; change is the meat of it. If you changed the word "change," there's many possibilities. Motivate isn't that important. You don't give a good focus in this way. Your thesis should definitely address the question in all aspects. You do not have a valid thesis because of this. Also, you should probably have at least three sentences in it.</p>

<p>You exemplify (a word that I coincidentally try to work into all of my essays for this) strong use of vocabulary. You also describe your examples very well. However, from what I have learned in English this year, logically it is most likely that the middle of your body paragraphs is the least important part of your essay. People who grade quick (and this is what I personally learned) read your intro and thesis most intently since it is the cornerstone of your essay, establishing focus and organization. Bad intro, bad essay. They see how many paragraphs you have and (and this is arguable) they read your topic and closing sentences most thoroughly in order to see continued focus and organization. You may start off well if you have a good thesis, but if your topic and closing sentences fall flat, your body paragraphs wioll subsequently lose focus. They will also look at your conclusion to see that you have realigned your focus and maybe added something extra. Note that I think that the last sentence of your conclusion is a good way to use a strong SAT word as a clincher.</p>

<p>Your first topic sentence is not good at all. Where do you mention your thesis/question/standpoint? You give a bad impression by summarizing the book without even explaining why you are doing it. You still don't really mention change, and I can't see where you even stay on topic with it. It should be really apparent that you are talking about what motivates people to change. If someone read your 1st paragraph they would probably be thinking (taking note of the topic sentence as a preview of what's to come), "what's this paragraph supposed to be about anyway? This person barely mentioned change at all and talked about the book more than the topic."</p>

<p>Now, your information later on is good, but your organization of it is not. It took me a while (and a D on a timed essay in a very hard class) to realize that even if your content is good, if your organization sucks, your essay will be bad, and organization lies in the first and last sentence of each body paragraph. Here is a possible format for organization that is good:</p>

<p>-Topic Sentence refering directly back to thesis and the first example
-Use of the Example: Several Sentences describing the example
-One or two sentences analyzing it and explaining why the example proves your thesis, linking it back to both topic sentence and thesis
-Closing sentence that realigns focus.</p>

<p>Repeat two more times with transitions between topics. Now here is what your first paragraph looks like:</p>

<p>-Summary of the novel without reference to thesis as a topic sentence
-Describing the example
-Analyzing it to prove thesis, in spite of the fact that the thesis has not even been referenced yet in the first paragraph
-Vague reference to thesis
-Closing sentence in the form of more explanation of the novel</p>

<p>This does not even really touch upon what the correct format should be. All you need is a good intro, strong topic and closing sentences, which are extremely easy to write given the openendedness of the prompt (the hardest part is coming up with three main points for the examples to relate to the thesis), and a good conlcusion. Then the body will flow naturally. Anyone can write good content, but what sets good papers apart is good content coupled with good focus and organization, which your essay lacks.</p>

<p>Your second and third paragraphs have topic sentences that might be okay for the essay grader, though they are more complex than they should be (simply just refer to the thesis and a main point), but after your subpar intro and 1st body paragraph, I think the grader might not even really care.</p>

<p>Obviously you need a conclusion. Things you need to work on the most:</p>

<ol>
<li>Strong thesis that addresses all parts/the core of the prompt</li>
<li>Strong Topic Sentences that address the thesis and incorporate main points - they should be simple for effective focus and organization (that doesn't mean simple as in stupid but simple as in clear and concise - you can make up for length in content, which you'll probably be BSing anyway).</li>
<li>Closing Sentences that mirror the topic sentences</li>
<li>Conclusion with thesis reworded and clincher</li>
<li>Good Word Choice in these sections</li>
<li>Body Paragraphs: Simple summaries of examples (not to be confused with plot summary) with short analysis of how they relate to thesis at the end.</li>
</ol>

<p>This may seem like an English lesson, and I know they say that essay writing for SAT is different than it for English. However, I think that the format that I've found from Grammatix matches up with English well (not near perfectly though) simply because they emphasize focus and organization as key. However, you should try to embellish your essay with strong SAT words and BS your examples as well as possible in order to get more length, something English teachers would hate.</p>

<p>I think that for practice, you should take what I said (you don't have to though - I'm not exactly a credible source for this, but then again who is here? well, maybe those 2400 scoring Harvard bound people...) and rewrite your essay using what I told you as a guide, and see if you like it. Of course, I could be totally wrong and this could be a 6. However, this helps me too since I'm reaffirming my format for myself, which will make it easier for me to write.</p>

<p>Hope this all helps!</p>

5

<p>Reading the essays that were posted by people who got 12s, I can see that many deviated from this format.</p>

<p>However, I still think that it is the safest format, and is also the most simple and concrete, yet still allows you to use vocab words that are high level while BSing the majority of the essay.</p>

6

<p>waffle, that is wonderful advice--thank you! i consider myself a pretty good essay-writer, but as an SAT taker i was at a loss of what they actually wanted the essay format to be like?
I have a question: What kind of examples should we cite and how many? I heard you have to do one historical, one literary, and one personal---is this true? does it matter? thanks alot!</p>

7

<p>Personally, I think that technically it should not matter whether or not you use certain types of examples. Not everyone comes from a highly scholarly background, so it would contribute to bias to consider advanced literature the best examples.</p>

<p>However, psychologically for me it is best to use literature just to think that I am using the most scholarly examples possible. Plus, you can't help but think that a grader may have some bias (even though they shouldn't) by thinking that an example involving Hamlet is better than reading about the time you tripped and landed on your ass :P
Ideally this shouldn't be true, and you can probably find different opinions on this, but it makes me feel better to use literary and historical, and I'd recommend using it too, just to be on the safe side. I'm sure that there are many essays with literary examples and with personal that scored well. However, always err on the safe side.</p>

<p>I'd write more but I'm gonna have to cut this short since south park is on.</p>