Please grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I know this thread has been inundated with requests for essays to be graded, and I'm afraid I can only perpetuate this deluge. However, I would greatly appreciate input regarding my essay, which responds to the prompt from the 4th Blue Book practice examination:</p>

<p>Can success be disastrous?</p>

<hr>

<p>My response:</p>

<p>Success can lead to consequences that are unexpected and sometimes diastrous. The historical example of Napoleon's rise to and fall from power evidences this point. In literature, the example of Pip from Great Expectations futher demonstrates that one should be careful what he wishes for [aside: this last phrase is taken from the excerpt that precedes the prompt]. </p>

<p>During the French Revoltuion, the young Corsican soldier Napoleon Bonaparte swiftly rose through the ranks of the French army. He was resourceful, intelligent, and furthermore, charismatic, characteristics that led him to many victories over his opponents. As an officer, he commanded French troops in a brilliant win over radical insurgents who had attempted to seize power over the French government. When Napoleon became emperor of France in 1800, he succeeded in repelling the military forces of France's European neightbors, including Spain, Austria, and Prussia. Napoleon seemed utterly invincible. </p>

<p>Nevertheless, Napoleon possessed one major flaw -- hubris. Napoleon's victories at Austerlitz and Jena had filled his head with fantasies of dominating Europe. Overconfident, Napoleon amassed an army to invade Russia, the last European country to have held its own against Napoleon's might. Russia, which had been defeated by Napoleon before, had learned from its previous mistakes. The Russian army deceived Napoleon's troops by using diversional tactics. In addition, the Russian winter had set in, and, combining with the Russian military might, toppled Napoleon from power.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, Pip from Great Expectations demonstrates the effects of success on someone who is too immature to handle it. Born a pauper, Pip, through a series of lucky occureences, rises to fortune and recognition. However, he soon forgets his roots, pushing away his mentor and friend, Joe, as his life becomes filled with the ills of high society, including gambling and other dissolute activities. At the conclusion of the novel, Pip finally realizes the futility of his success and how it has corrupted his innocence.</p>

<p>As the examples of Napoleon and Pip demonstrate, success can lead to unanticipated misfortune. In effect, success can be corrupting and as a consequence create imminent disaster.</p>

<hr>

<p>Thanks for your input.</p>

2

<p>bump......</p>

3

<p>Crikey!! That's a 12 if I ever saw one!!</p>

4

<p>If you need to know why, write back. Otherwise, congrats.</p>

5

<p>For reinforcement and comparison to your good work above, it helps to see what the SAT scorers think is a terrible, okay and great essay. </p>

<p>To see a range of examples, all graded 1-6, see this collegeboard link. Scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the sample essays.</p>

<p>I can't write it out in a line, b/c this site somehow cuts it off, so i'll put it in a column, but you type it out as a line:</p>

<p>collegeboard.com/
student/
testing/
sat/
prep_one/
essay/
pracStart.html</p>

6

<p>Thanks for your positive review, paying3tuitions! In all truth, I was expecting a more rancorous comment, but I'm glad my expectations weren't fulfilled.</p>

<p>I referred to the collegeboard.com website and read the essay that received a "6." Not to be modest or anything, but I thought it was significantly better than my own. Can you tell me why you think I received "6," paying3tuitions? In my opinion, my essay was strong in that it fully developed upon the story of Napoleon, but fell flat because of the rather short description of Pip's being corrupted (I would have written more, but I ran out of time). It seemed to me that the insertion of Pip's example might detract from the essay's overall effect, and since the Collegeboard readers grade holistically....</p>

<p>Anyway, thanks again, paying3tuitions. I would greatly appreciate if you could tell me what you thought was strong about my essay, and what I should continue to work on in the coming week before the SAT.</p>

7

<p>Lobgent, my reply is long; some of it is also written for the benefit of others reading through for tips; and you're smart enough to distinguish what's only for you. </p>

<p>I apologize in advance-- am rushing here, so it's disorganized and long.No time to edit, am just pushing "send". Hope you and others can wade through it and benefit!</p>

<p>When I first read your essay, I immediately noticed how short the Pip para was, but before hastily assuming that it wasn't good enough, reread it twice. I decided that you proved to my satisfaction your thesis, that Pip's success had been disastrous for him, corrupting his innocence, adn that your details prior to the final sentence of that Pip para gave me enough to support the final sentence of that para. More detail might have been nice, but you proved your point succinctly, efficiently. I've listened to debaters and had to score them, and heard lawyers give very brief summations that win the case because the cover every point required. Sometimes it's important to recognize when a battle has been won. </p>

<p>I also know, realistically, that readers have thousands of these and might not take the time to reread you shorter Pip to ensure it "nailed the point." So another scorer might have "measured" the size of your Pip para (not literally, but y'know, metaphorically) and quickly assumed it "couldn't" be complete because of its brevity. Not so, but I could see another scorer therefore giving you a 10 over
exactly what YOU knew inside was the only real flaw in this essay. (Reflective, self-aware writer...now you see what I believe in your ability.)</p>

<p>I often find that the students who are the highest to the upper bar are always the ones who want to know how to improve, while those in need of improvement struggle to perceive what's wrong. Both require a teacher's care, attention and guidance. You're in the first category, however. </p>

<p>For that reason, and because you have no concerns re: style or word usage, I'd simply practice writing under timed conditions, so that you begin to get the sense of when your 25 minutes is starting to disappear. Pace yourself; more importantly, learn what is the pace that works for YOU within 25 minutes.</p>

<p>If it were me, I'd need this pace (USER WARNING, The pacing below is just my personal estimate, not a cookbook or recipe. Develop your own, but at least see the distribution of time. You'll go crazy timing yourself as you write, but just learn to glance at a watch (lay it down on the exam table) as you work, so you don't get stuck stuck stuck somewhere when it's better to move along.</p>

<p>REPEAT: NOT a recipe, just my approach; minutes are APPROXIMATE!!:</p>

<pre><code> 3-5 min. to ponder, jot and pen my thesis;
1-2 min to ponder and jotnote 2-3 examples. Keep the 3rd example optional, in your mind, since you might not have time to tackle it. It could also serve as an alternate in case you don't like how 1 of them is unfolding...but above all, don't spend tons of time thinking of 3 examples, when 2 goodies will make a fine essay.
</code></pre>

<p>As you choose an example, be aware of WHY you're choosing it, what it proves about your thesis, how it connects. You did that very well in your two selections. That is the magical "thinking moment" that is the basis of critical thought within your essay, that elevates it from a 10 up to 12. You do it so naturally that I think you take it for granted in your own work.</p>

<p>Anyway, the "Why" I chose that example, or didfferently said, What the example proves about my thesis, is what helps tie it back to your thesis when you are actually writing. Then it's not just a flat, sparkless description of the example (where many writers on this site stop and i'm trying to urge them beyond it). </p>

<p>JOt notes are not necessary if you're that intuitive and can "think as you write." Most can't, many say they can (lazy) but a very few can actually write that way. If that's your working style, I don't want to wreck what's successful by saying you "must" do jot notes! Whatever produced the above text -- outlined or not outlined--is what you should maintain, since it sounds great.</p>

<p>anyway, sorry to digress; i am getting interrupted here at home,typing fast as I can.</p>

<p>30 sec for jot notes (if you need that step) re: each example </p>

<p>4 min apiece to write each example</p>

<p>1-2 min to write the conclusion (if you've done a good essay, it shouldn't take much time at all to pen the conclusion; just restate the thesis in new words or images; if possible: a clever way but only if it comes to you intuitively at that moment. Otherwise, just wrap it up logically, nicely, clearly for the reader.</p>

<p>Then, with any remaining time, go back to the body of the text. </p>

<p>Now, the next para of advice here is more for others reading this to learn, b/c I think you already have great choice of words, but for others I'd say: As you re-read, if you can quickly upgrade a few vocabulary words or twist a few dull phrases into more clever ones, do so. It'll add sparkle and life to your writing style. If you see the word "get" there's likely a better verb to replace it with, for example. </p>

<p>Or...lobgent, as an example, even good writers can always tweak a bit. I just reread my text above quickly and changed the word to "elevate" (originally I had the word "bring"). Whate4ver you can improve quickly in a moment, do. There's no ceiling on this. Just continue to use words that you fully understand. You did not put in a fake new word there that you barely understood, so it was misused or poorly nuanced. Stay with that honesty, but pull in your best-known vocabulary to make your writing sparkle. It already does, I'm just talking about continue on a good path. I always do this, as much as time allows. (which at tjhe moment I'm chasing a clock so I hate this particular piece I'm writing now; blaaaah, hasty. )</p>

<p>Also simultaneously, check as you reread the whole essay (at the end of your work time) for grammar errors; fix them with a quick cross-out. I find when I write in a hurry my worst demons are subject-verb agreement errors and possessives (it's) even though I know them thoroughly when I don't have to write timed. </p>

<p>In ohter words, for you I'd say just practice 25-minute timed tests so that you distribute your pace better. That would have given you more time to distribute to write about Pip. </p>

<p>I liked that your essay had two developed (well, you feel one developed and one semi-developed) examples rather than 3.</p>

<p>The more I read these essays. the more I think that it's too hard to write about 3 well in only 25 MINUTES! If you have little to say about each example but more to say about the connections among the 3 edamples, that'd be the only reason I can see to venture into 3 examples. </p>

<p>P.S. To share a personal belief, I find it appalling that you students are required to write such logical constructs under timed circumstances. Unless everyone is supposed to grow up and become a lawyer-working-under-time-allotted-minutes-to-submit-to-the-judge (huff, puff), </p>

<p>I think this is a bad combination of requests for students. Either give you 25 minutes to write creatively and beautifully, poetically... or give you as much time as you need to gather your thoughts and write a logical piece. This combination SUCKS (do grownups say that word?) </p>

<p>But, it';s their system and I want students to do well with it. So I'm helping you all here, but understand that I don't agree that this is a good approach to writing. It's just an appraoch to TESTING writing. IMHO.</p>