please grade my essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>this is pretty cruddy but im trying to improve... please give me feedback on how to improve, what i did wrong, what i did well...ect...</p>

<p>is there always a however or is there only one solution?</p>

<p>The word “however” applies to every aspect of life. In sports, every decision, coaching philosophy and play can be executed differently. In wars, world leaders are faced with grave decisions that have pros and cons. In the end the leader has to choose what is in the best interest of the public. There is never one option, the limits and possibilities are endless.</p>

<p>The sports world is constantly faced with the word “however”. Especially in football, known as the Monday Morning Quarterback”. As one knows, things do not always go as planned, there are always surprises. In football, the team that makes the least mistakes wins. After the game, reporters always overanalyze and talk like geniuses who have the right answers for every situation. However, if they were place in the situation it would probably a different story. As one can understand there are unlimited answers and reasons. One answer can be correct in one’s eyes but wrong in another’s. None of them are wrong, there will always be a however.</p>

<p>However also has relevance outside the sports world, especially politics and war. The matter of fact is true in World War II during the time when the U.S. was fighting Japan. Japan was a fierce and fearless enemy. They demonstrated their boldness and radical nationalistic feelings by using kamikaze attacks. Kamikazes were suicide pilots who crashed into large number of enemy troops similar to modern terrorists today. President Truman was given a tough decision to drop the Atomic bomb or not, The American troops and public had grown weary of war and wanted a quick end. It seemed like a reasonable choice but Truman also did not know the true consequences of the bomb. The extent of the Atomic bomb damage and atrocities it would cause was unknown. In the end, as history tells us we know what he decided. Save American lives and drop the bomb. Many years after the fact, historians still debate the decision and mull over the pros and cons. </p>

<p>Time may change but the immortal variable “however” does not. Options and possibilities will always be available.</p>

2

<p>bump please...all the howevers are supposed to have "quotations" i just got tired typing last night sorry</p>

3

<p>Comments:</p>

<p>-Your introduction contains no big words--it will probably not get a 12.
-"Especially in football, known as the Monday Morning Quarterback." Don't use fragments.
-"In football, the team that makes the least mistakes wins." It's "fewest," not "least." This cannot get an 11 or 12. This is an inexcusable mistake.
-"Reporters always overanalyze and talk like geniuses." This is inappropriate for an SAT essay. Try to sound more mature when you write. Your essay cannot get a 10 or greater.
-Your whole first paragraph is just a disaster; I don't know where to begin! Your thesis says that there are endless limits and possibilities. How does this apply to your football example? In your paragraph you wrote "it will probably be a different story." This is so vague! "Probably"? And in what way will it be different? You have to elaborate. It's so frustrating to read that "As one can understand there are unlimited answers and reasons," when you don't give any answers or reasons! "None of them are wrong." Grammar mistake: "None" is a singular noun in this case, so it should be "None of the answers is." Even better is "No answer is wrong." Even this sentence is just bewildering. The answers to what???? This essay cannot get an 8 or higher.
-"espeically politics and war." No, "especially IN politics and war." These grammar mistakes may seem small, but when readers read so many, it really adds up. </p>

<p>"The matter of fact is true in World War II during the time when the U.S. was fighting Japan. Japan was a fierce and fearless enemy. They demonstrated their boldness and radical nationalistic feelings by using kamikaze attacks. Kamikazes were suicide pilots who crashed into larger number of enemy troops similar to modern terrorists today."</p>

<p>I just want to cry!!! No reader cares if Japan tried to demonstrate boldness and radical nationalistic feelings.</p>

<p>"In World War II, President Truman had to make a tough decision: should he drop the newly developed atomic bomb on Japan, the United States' fierce and fearless enemy?"</p>

<p>Why is this sentence better? Because it gets to the point. We don't need to know what kamikazes were. We need to get to the decision. What you wrote had grammar issues and was just too long. "Japan was a fierce and fearless enemy. THEY blah blah blah." You can also connect a lot of the sentences, and better yet, get rid of them!</p>

<p>"The American troops and public had grown weary of war and wanted a quick end. It seemed like a reasonable choice but Truman also did not know the true consequences of the bomb. The extent of the Atomic bomb damage and atrocities it would cause was unknown. In the end, as history tells us we know what he decided. Save American lives and drop the bomb. Many years after the fact, historians still debate the decision and mull over the pros and cons."</p>

<p>You said that Truman didn't know the true consequences of the bomb (what are true consequences? And the consequences of what? The consequences of the bomb, or the consequences of DROPPING the bomb?) Then you say that the extent... was unknown. You just said the same thing twice! And where is the "however"? </p>

<p>"In World War II, President Truman had to make a tough decision: should he drop the newly developed atomic bomb on Japan, the United States' fierce and fearless enemy? Truman decided to drop the bomb, in part because the American troops and public had grown weary of the war and wanted a quick end." These two sentences are better than your twelve, but neither discusses the "however," which is the most important part! Why do you mention that historians still debate the decision? How is this relevant?</p>

<p>This essay drops to a 6 or 7.</p>

<p>Conclusion: Dreadful. You need to restate your thesis, go over your examples, and end with a lingering sentence.</p>

<p>This essay drops to a 5.</p>

4

<p>How to Improve:</p>

<p>-Take a look at the RocketReview Revolution book by Adam Robinson. Read the section on the essay carefully.
-When you practice, don't write 25-minute essays. Take an SAT essay prompt, plan what you'll say, and plan what your comments will be. Take however long you need to get what you perceive as a good essay. Read a 12 essay and compare it to yours.
1. Does it have big SAT words mixed in there (not too many)
2. Does it have RELEVANT INFORMATION?
3. Does it have support that ANSWERS THE QUESTION SPECIFICALLY?
4. Does it take up two SAT pages?
5. Does the intro get attention and include a good thesis that specifically answers the question?
6. Does your conclusion linger and restate the thesis and supports?
7. Do your body paragraphs have TRANSITIONS?
8. Is your essay CLEAR?</p>

<p>If you think you have a good essay, that's the time you should post your essay on CollegeConfidential and ask for suggestions. </p>

<p>Don't use only 25 minutes. Give it like an hour, or maybe two. Then when you have enough practice with hour-long essays, shorten it to 45 minutes, then 30, then 25.</p>

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<p>ok... thanks for reading...yep...i need a whole lot of work...does college board have grade 12 essays?</p>

6

<p>I have no idea what you're talking about.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.collegeboard.com/student/testing/sat/about/sat/essay_scoring.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.collegeboard.com/student/testing/sat/about/sat/essay_scoring.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Here's a rubric for grading essays.</p>

7

<p>Can you say tough grading?</p>

8

<p>i meant are there online examples of essays that got a score of 12.</p>

9

<p>Oh, I thought you meant as in 12th grade! Haha. Well, I don't know off the top of my head. Probably, if you look around the website. Also, your school's office probably has some SAT guide booklets that have sample essays. Check out collegeboard.com and look around</p>

10

<p>new essay: i think its better</p>

<pre><code>Changes occur all the time; whether significant or meaningless. The history of war is a testimony to that statement. Drastic events that occur in war ignite change through force and necessity.
</code></pre>

<p>United States’ policy of isolationism is a perfect illustration because it was inevitably doomed to end. After World War II, America did not want to be associated with external affairs, and especially war. However, the United States’ policy was ineffective and constantly tested by Axis powers Germany and Japan (Lusitania and Pearl Harbor). U.S. President Truman remained stubborn to isolationism until December 7, 1941, the day of infamy in which Truman was forced to end isolationism. After America had been attacked, Truman took a necessary and ambivalent approach by declaring war: he had to raise morale and show the general public and the world that the U.S. could not be easily invaded. Change does not only apply to political policies but it also has relevance to people. </p>

<p>Change particularly affects human philosophy and their emotional state. War veterans who experienced the sick horrors of war vividly demonstrate a dramatic difference. After witnessing the atrocities of war, many soldiers suffer from post dramatic syndrome and are either emotionally or mentally damaged to a degree. The traumatic events forced change upon soldiers exemplified through their behaviors.</p>

<p>History has repeatedly pointed out: radical war events motivate change. Either compelled or imperative to act; for better or for worse the power of change is unquestioned. The future welfare of mankind is up to how the dominion of change is used.</p>

11

<p>WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION??? It's frustrating when you don't even bother to say what the prompt was. From now on, write down the entire prompt.</p>

<p>Dude, you need a longer introduction. Remember: FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!! By the time the reader finishes the first paragraph, he/she will form what's likely to be the only impression on your entire essay. If you had to skim an entire novel in ten minutes and decide whether it's worth reading, you'd probably just read the beginning, and if you don't like the beginning, you'll put it back on the bookshelf. It won't matter so much what you say in the body paragraphs. Once SAT readers have made up their mind about your essay, they probably won't change their opinion.</p>

<p>First body paragraph: Better, but you need to emphasize the CHANGE, because your essay is about change. It doesn't mean that you have to use the word "change" all the time. Your example of Truman's change to go to war is okay, but what are you trying to prove? What is your thesis?? What is your prompt??? A transition--much better.</p>

<p>Second body paragraph: Oh dear. Oh dear. OH DEAR!!!</p>

<p>I simply have to hack this to pieces. </p>

<p>"Change particularly affects human philosophy and their emotional state."
-Grammar mistake: "their"</p>

<p>"War veterans who experienced the sick horrors of war vividly demonstrate a dramatic difference."
-A dramatic difference in what? This sentence is too vague.</p>

<p>"After witnessing the atrocities of war, many soldier suffer from post dramatic syndrome and are either emotionally or mentally damaged to a degree."
-Not bad.</p>

<p>"The traumatic events forced change upon soldiers exemplified through their behaviors."
-This is just bad. What is the change? What are the behaviors? Honestly, I just don't understand what you're talking about. You have to explain exactly what you mean.</p>

<p>Conclusion:</p>

<p>"History has repeatedly pointed out: radical war events motivate change."
-Fine. But you should replace the colon with a "that."</p>

<p>"Either compelled or imperative to act; for better or for worse the power of change is unquestioned."
-What does this have to do with your thesis or what you're trying to say?</p>

<p>"The future welfare of mankind is up to how the dominion of change is used."
-Not bad.</p>

<p>Akati, I need to know what your question was. </p>

<p>Overall, your essay did not explore the examples in great detail--with only two examples, you need more detail and explanation of change, and you need to connect what you say to your thesis. Don't restate your thesis in body paragraphs, but explain how this supports the thesis.</p>

<p>I can't even give you a number grade without the question.</p>

<p>You need to work on the thesis.</p>

<p>"Changes occur all the time; whether significant or meaningless."
-This is not a thesis; this is just a fact of life.</p>

<p>"The history of war is a testimony to that statement."
-This is not a thesis either.</p>

<p>"Drastic events that occur in war ignite change through force and necessity."
-This could be a thesis, but I don't know if it answers the question because I don't know what the question is.</p>

<p>I think your second body paragraph needs the most fixing up. What were the radical war events? What was the change? I hope that post dramatic syndrome was not your example of change--it's a mental condition. Your second body paragraph is confusing because I don't know what you're trying to say: that change affects human philosophy and emotional state, or that war ignites change?</p>

<p>Better, better.</p>

12

<p>the prompt was what motivates change</p>

13

<p>revised except for intro... did not know how to change that part
Changes occur all the time; whether significant or meaningless. The history of war is a testimony to that statement. Drastic events that occur in war ignite change through force and necessity.
United States’ policy of isolationism is a perfect illustration because it was inevitably doomed to end. After World War II, America did not want to be associated with external affairs, and especially war. However, the United States’ policy was ineffective and constantly tested by Axis powers Germany and Japan (Lusitania and Pearl Harbor). U.S. President Truman remained stubborn to isolationism until December 7, 1941, the day of infamy in which Truman was forced to end isolationism. After America had been attacked, Truman took a necessary and ambivalent approach by declaring war: he had to raise morale and show the general public and the world that the U.S. could not be easily invaded. Change does not only apply to political policies but it also has relevance to people.<br>
War can really cause disarray and be permanently detrimental to humans’ philosophy and emotional state. War veterans who experienced the sick horrors of war vividly demonstrate a dramatic difference emotionally and mentally. For example, one who has post dramatic syndrome can not react rationally to normal occurrences such as imagining a door slam as a gun shot. After witnessing atrocities of war, many soldiers seek an outlet to escape the nightmares of war. Many soldiers develop abusive drug and alcohol habits to find a harmonious state. The traumatic events forced change upon soldiers exemplified through their substance abuse and unstable behaviors.
History has repeatedly pointed out that radical war events stimulate change; either voluntary or involuntary. Whether the differences were severe or minor, the existing impact from war is undeniable. The future welfare of mankind is up to how the dominion of change is used.</p>

14

<p>Okay. Now the main problem is the fact that you only gave war examples, to support the idea that certain events in war motivates change.</p>

<p>But do you really think war is what motivates change in general? Other people have said that necessity or a feeling of threat or uncertainty motivates change. </p>

<p>In the first body paragraph, you said that Truman needed to try to change the United States's policy of neutrality in order to boost morale. So here it was the necessity to boost morale (which was very much needed at the time) that led to change.</p>

<p>Do you see how I think that your second example was weak (the one about post traumatic stress disorder)? </p>

<p>Now it seems like what you're trying to say is that necessity motivates change and that change can be forced upon people. That change can be forced upon people (in the form of a mental condition, for example) does not explain what motivates change. You could say that your examples are taken in the context of war. Think about it like this: it wasn't the events of war that caused change. It was, in the first case, the need to boost morale that caused change.</p>

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<p>Comments:</p>

<p>Hmm... Well, for the introduction... </p>

<p>Well, the first sentence has no relevance at all to your thesis, and when you say that "the history of war is a testimony to that statement," you made it seem like you were going to talk about that. Then you give your thesis, so your introduction seems disjointed. How about, </p>

<p>"Changes are ubiquitous in the society that we live in. Most changes, however, are provoked by two things: necessity and force. Drastic events ignite change through force and necessity. This is clearly and ostensibly displayed in two examples from war: Truman's change from isolationism to involvement, and the changes in emotional state caused by the horrors of war.</p>

<p>You have to ask yourself: What is in this introduction that separates it from your previous one?</p>

<p>Your first body paragraph is good! I'd just like to see more commentary on how the necessity prompted change. You can elaborate by saying that if the U.S. had not been attacked, America would have remained isolationist, because nothing propelled it to change. After America had been attacked, however, it quickly realized that "not changing" (there's a word for it, I can't think of it right now), would have very possibly resulted in disaster. So it was the shock of danger that agitated change.</p>

<p>Your second paragraph doesn't really explain what motivates change, because in your example, people couldn't decide whether to change or not--you gave a mental condition. It would have been better to give an example where something forced people to make a conscious change. Do you see how a mental condition doesn't really fit in with what "motivates" change? The word "motivates" has a connotation of consciousness to it.</p>

<p>Your conclusion is fine for the most part. I'd say that you should change the last sentence, because it seems like you just threw a broad belief up in the air. Don't say something that you haven't proven in your conclusion. Many readers might disagree with your last sentence, and that can turn a good impression on your essay into a negative one. A better sentence is "Necessity and force agitate the change that we see every day." That connects more to your argument, and it even makes a nice connection to the introduction. This example is better because it wasn't just a random statement--it had meaning and it connected to the whole essay.</p>

<p>Other SAT words for motivate or cause are evoke, engender, prompt, provoke, elicit, precipitate, animate, inaugurate, and attribute.</p>

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<p>Suggestion: Work really hard on the Intro! I've told lots of people this, because it's really important: First Impressions matter!</p>

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<p>thanks for your suggestions and patience for my stupidity dchow =)</p>

18

<p>wow great thread. Thank you dchow08 for posting such insightful criticism and advice which I am sure is helpful for akati but for me as well. :)</p>

19

<p>I'd give you a 7. Why? Because it falls into the 3-4 category, but I multiply by 2.</p>

<p>What I think of the Essay:
Your essay:
1. develops a point of view on the issue, demonstrating some critical thinking, but may do so inconsistently or use inadequate examples, reasons, or other evidence to support its position
2. is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas
3. displays developing facility in the use of language, but sometimes uses weak vocabulary or inappropriate word choice
4. lacks variety in sentence structure
5. has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics</p>

<p>Another suggestion I have: In your first body paragraph try to fit another example, and do the same in your second body paragraph, if there's space left.</p>

20

<p>even though the score does not reflect much improvement...am i improving?</p>