<p>WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION??? It's frustrating when you don't even bother to say what the prompt was. From now on, write down the entire prompt.</p>
<p>Dude, you need a longer introduction. Remember: FIRST IMPRESSIONS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!! By the time the reader finishes the first paragraph, he/she will form what's likely to be the only impression on your entire essay. If you had to skim an entire novel in ten minutes and decide whether it's worth reading, you'd probably just read the beginning, and if you don't like the beginning, you'll put it back on the bookshelf. It won't matter so much what you say in the body paragraphs. Once SAT readers have made up their mind about your essay, they probably won't change their opinion.</p>
<p>First body paragraph: Better, but you need to emphasize the CHANGE, because your essay is about change. It doesn't mean that you have to use the word "change" all the time. Your example of Truman's change to go to war is okay, but what are you trying to prove? What is your thesis?? What is your prompt??? A transition--much better.</p>
<p>Second body paragraph: Oh dear. Oh dear. OH DEAR!!!</p>
<p>I simply have to hack this to pieces. </p>
<p>"Change particularly affects human philosophy and their emotional state."
-Grammar mistake: "their"</p>
<p>"War veterans who experienced the sick horrors of war vividly demonstrate a dramatic difference."
-A dramatic difference in what? This sentence is too vague.</p>
<p>"After witnessing the atrocities of war, many soldier suffer from post dramatic syndrome and are either emotionally or mentally damaged to a degree."
-Not bad.</p>
<p>"The traumatic events forced change upon soldiers exemplified through their behaviors."
-This is just bad. What is the change? What are the behaviors? Honestly, I just don't understand what you're talking about. You have to explain exactly what you mean.</p>
<p>Conclusion:</p>
<p>"History has repeatedly pointed out: radical war events motivate change."
-Fine. But you should replace the colon with a "that."</p>
<p>"Either compelled or imperative to act; for better or for worse the power of change is unquestioned."
-What does this have to do with your thesis or what you're trying to say?</p>
<p>"The future welfare of mankind is up to how the dominion of change is used."
-Not bad.</p>
<p>Akati, I need to know what your question was. </p>
<p>Overall, your essay did not explore the examples in great detail--with only two examples, you need more detail and explanation of change, and you need to connect what you say to your thesis. Don't restate your thesis in body paragraphs, but explain how this supports the thesis.</p>
<p>I can't even give you a number grade without the question.</p>
<p>You need to work on the thesis.</p>
<p>"Changes occur all the time; whether significant or meaningless."
-This is not a thesis; this is just a fact of life.</p>
<p>"The history of war is a testimony to that statement."
-This is not a thesis either.</p>
<p>"Drastic events that occur in war ignite change through force and necessity."
-This could be a thesis, but I don't know if it answers the question because I don't know what the question is.</p>
<p>I think your second body paragraph needs the most fixing up. What were the radical war events? What was the change? I hope that post dramatic syndrome was not your example of change--it's a mental condition. Your second body paragraph is confusing because I don't know what you're trying to say: that change affects human philosophy and emotional state, or that war ignites change?</p>
<p>Better, better.</p>