Please Grade my Essay! :)

<p>Prompt: Can success be disastrous. </p>

<p>A wise man once remarked, "Success tends to blur one's sense of reality." Though success obviously produces many benefits, it often obscures one's perspective. Therefore, success often proves more detrimental than beneficial. Both in history and in literature, evidence to support the above viewpoint are pervasive.
First, consider the character of Pip in Charles Dickens' 19 century, English novel "Great Expectations." Initially from humble origins, Pip becomes well educated and successful due to the help of a mysterious benefactor. Upon returning to his hometown, he displays great embarrassment in his association with his modest beginnings and shuns the two people who devote their unwavering affection to him. Ashamed by his lowly origins, Pip disastrously allows his success to obscure his viewpoint and effectively shun the individuals who truly care about him.
Another vivid example can be found in the ancient Greek myth of the Trojan horse. Overly confident of their victory and flattered by the Trojan's "submission," the Greeks unwisely accepts a gift horse from the Trojans. However, the Trojan horse's interior compartment held dozens of soldiers, thus allowing the Trojans to effectively launch a surprise attack against the unsuspecting Greek army. The Greek allowed their success to fool them into lessening their guard, thus creating an opportunity for the Trojans to attack and lay siege to the city. Had the Greeks been more careful or less pompous of their success, this devastation would not have occurred.
Last, consider the isolationist tendencies of the Chinese civilization from the tenth to twentieth century. Long satisfied with their own technological, literary, and artistic accomplishments, they denounced Western technology and avoided contact with much of the rest of the world. The Chinese secluded themselves from value information, especially major innovations and revolutions occurring in the Western sphere; from a historical viewpoint, this pompousness disastrously prevented China from becoming the world's foremost power. Had the Chinese been a little less confident of their own abilities and successes, they would have gained tremendous knowledge from other civilizations.
The most detrimental aspect of success is the egotism it produces. The result varies from abandonment of one's heritage to detrimental self-assurance to isolationist tendencies. had China been less proud of its success, it would have tremendously benefited from others advances. If Pip had not been so obscured by his successes, he would not have been ashamed of his roots. Only by staying true to one's nature in the face of success can only truly enjoy the benefits it reaps.</p>

<p>Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, and please grade on a scale of 0-12. Thank you!</p>

<p>elaborate ur examples, its better to have 1 well thought out idea than 2 rushed ones. For exmaple in ur first paragraph u could say how the shunning of his relatives ultimately hurt him.</p>

<p>Another essay?</p>

<p>Alright, I’ll mark some apparent (and less important) errors first:
“Though success obviously…” –> Although success obviously</p>

<p>“success often proves (to be) more detrimental than beneficial.” </p>

<p>“The Greeks unwisely accept.” </p>

<p>“gift horse” doesn’t sound right. There’s a better way to phrase that.
“careful… of” doesn’t work either</p>

<p>“Long satisfied -by- their own technological…”</p>

<p>And now the more important errors:
I also agree with the other poster: your first example can be elaborated further. </p>

<p>For your second example, you should also mention it as The Illiad. You also mixed it up. The Greeks conjured the idea of the wooden horse in order to infiltrate Troy and win the war. Apparently factual errors don’t matter on the SAT essay, though.</p>

<p>Your second example could use a better clincher.
Try something that wraps up the story nicely, like (merely a mock example): “Believing that they had truly prevailed and won the war, the Trojans became subject to annihilation. Their perceived success thus blinded them, allowing their enemies to achieve victory at the price of the Trojans’ country and freedom.”</p>

<p>Your third example is pretty good. </p>

<p>I’ll stop at that.</p>

<p>Above all, since you’re using novels and poems as evidence, remember to use the historical present tense! There are some areas where you are using the wrong tense.</p>

<p>EDIT: I’d rate the essay as a 10.</p>

<p>Thank you so much for the input. And yes, I’ve been writing an essay a day to try to improve my writing skills.</p>