Please grade my SAT essay? :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

I would greatly appreciate anyone giving my practice essay a look and a score. Critical feedback and areas for improvement would be wonderful, too!
This prompt is from practice test #9 in the SAT blue book.

[Prompt]
Do you think that ease does not challenge us and that we need adversity to help us discover who we are? Plan and write an essay…

[Essay response]
“Do you want to play at Carnegie Hall before you graduate high school?” This question is a dream for many aspiring musicians, but in order to make that dream a reality, a considerable amount of perseverance and hard work is required to succeed and discover the true, maximum potential of oneself. Without struggles and obstacles, self-discovery of potential would be impossible.

Consider Lulu Chua from Amy Chua’s “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.” Lulu had great difficulty mastering a piece titled “The Little White Donkey”– a innocent title that was ironic to the aggravation the piece induced in Lulu every time she tried to play. Lulu was a musical prodigy, and when she tried to attack “The Little White Donkey” with her usual practice method, she realized that she could not progress any farther than the first line in the first few weeks of practice. As a result, Lulu had to break apart everything she knew about music practice and not study the piece line by line or even measure by measure, but rather note by note. This slow and grueling process mentally and physically taxed Lulu, but the end result was worth the pain: she ended up winning an important piano competition! If lulu had practiced “The Little White Donkey” with her usual speed and self-assurance of her musical ability, she would have never mastered such a tricky piece, never have won that competition, and most importantly, she would have never realized her true musical capabilities: she was now ready for even harder music.

I myself, like Lulu, have needed great difficulty to realize my true abilities. Math has always been a generally easy class for me since middle school. However, once trigonometry was introduced, I realized that I needed to learn a whole new language. No longer could I study for trigonometry tests in 10 minutes during homeroom on the day of the math tests– I had to study the night and sometimes the week before to make sure I knew how to solve and prove trigonometry identities. If I had approached trigonometry with my usual carelessness, I would have never passed math class, and most importantly, never have discovered that I was ready for the most advanced math class my school offered: Calculus 3. Had I garnered a mediocre grade during trigonometry by putting in a minimum effort, I would have been placed in calculus 1, and I would have missed a number of enjoyable, scholastic opportunities, such as the Math Olympiad. I am now part of a Math Olympiad team because I put in a few extra hours attempting to maser trigonometry.

Often times, the stepping stones to success are placed at an unpredictable distance from each other; one must muster up the courage to persevere to getting to the next level no matter how long or difficult the journey will be. Whether one finds himself or herself trying to win a piano competition or pass a math class, overcoming adversity along the way is required to ensure that one truly knows his or her abilities.

2

In the intro you should have a statement that says what examples you will use in the rest of the essay. For example:

Through the experiences of Lulu Chua, and my struggles with trigonometry it is evident that people discover their true potential in the face of adversity.

It is sort of like a thesis statement.

Also you need to use one more example. Maybe something historical, like American Revolution (fighting persistently for independence), Rosa Parks (protesting against racism)…etc.

I think that your personal example is not very strong. It seems like a mediocre experience that almost everyone has had at some point. I think if you want to use a personal example, it has to be more meaningful to the real world. For example: some big moment in life that has completely changed you (I can’t think of a good example right now…). Personally I would avoid personal examples unless they are very strong and monumental. Also, your writing comes off a little as a display of your achievements. I think this kind of writing should be saved for your college essay, not SAT. That being said, it is up to you if you want to use that example even though it is weak. I suppose you could spice it up by focusing more on Math Olympiad (that is something unique that not everyone does).

Your conclusion looks fine.

I like your writing style and you have a really interesting introduction. I liked how you started with a question. That really grabbed my attention.

Hopefully you take my comments into consideration. Good luck on the SAT!

3

Okay, so:

Intro: Lose the question and replace it with a quote. Using a question as your hook is so cliche. Won’t stand out in the essay graders mind. Otherwise it was nice and provided a good transition.

First Body Paragraph: Nice. This example is sufficient, HOWEVER (see below)

Second Body Paragraph: NO. Okay, so your first example was sufficient but that means your next example has to be extraordinary and amazing. Your personal example is eh. Here you should have put in a historical example but not the ones mentioned by rosa1748, they’re really common. Honestly, at this point, worst comes to worst, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Seriously. They only get a minute to read and accuracy is not what the graders are looking for. You should try having a SAT essay ready with examples that are universal to any topic. There are a gazillion CC posts about essay templates; look for them and you’ll see what I mean.

Ending: Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

Overall: I really, really liked your writing style and voice. It’s exactly like those College Board makes an example of. Had the examples been better, and you would have most likely received a 6. Your strengths seem to be with intros and closing, rather than content. That’s good, but you should now focus on content and getting better examples to work on. Again, look for CC posts regarding essay templates and create your own.

On the whole, I’d give it a 4 out of 6. Would’ve received higher, except you had mediocre examples.

4

Thank you wanderlustgal and rosa1748 for your valuable feedback! Yes, I definitely agree that my second example was insufficient for this essay prompt. I’d personally give myself a 4, too. Developing some universal “backup” examples that work for almost any prompt seems like the next step for improving the content area of my subsequent essays.