Please grade my SAT essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Guys please grade this essay out of the goodness of your hearts but if thats not enough ill send you a test please grade very thouroly and be as candid as possible I have thick skin if you think it sucks I wanna here Id apprieciate alot of feedback, how I could improve and a score please.</p>

<p>Topic: Are things better kept private?
Essay:
A greek philosopher once said “to keep something to oneself is to misfortune oneself.” The philosopher is indeed correct, if one keeps things private he us hurting himself, his family, and the rest of the world who could all benefit from his knowledge, experience, warnings and emotions. This is proved economically, socially, and scientifically specifically the keeping to ones self photographs of monuments, scientific research, and ones present financial state.</p>

<p>In the summer of 2008, President Bush decided to take Photographs of many skyscrapers of New York City as portrait type items. A smart idea, except for the fact that the President forget to tell the country of his plan. Airplanes flew very close to the skyscrapers in New York City so that these photos would come out nicely. New Yorkers saw the airplanes and thought that they were going to crash into the skyscrapers. New Yorkers were reminded of 9/11 in which hijackers took over the airplanes and crashed them into the twin towers, collapsing the building and killing and injuring thousands. 9/11 was still close in New Yorkers minds as t took place not too long ago. Had President Bush told people of his plan, this frightening experience could have been avoided. Instead he kept it private and New Yorkers today still feel the emotional pain of being near death, and the reminder of 9/11.</p>

<p>If Scientists kept there research private we would not be where we are today. We would have more diseases, pollution, shorter life expectancy, less food and a less efficient lifestyle overall. Specificly take Gregor Mendal, an Austrain Monk who crossed Pea plants while researching Genes. He discovered how genes are passed down and explained in simpler terms such as dominant, recessive, and codominance. Mendel cross breed pea plants and studied there traits very closely. Mendels building block discoverys led to more discoverys such as how diseases are inherited and how to prevent them. Had Mendel kept his research private and not spread his knowledge with the rest of the world, we would not have the advanced medicine and knowledge we have today but instead have more genetic deseases.</p>

<p>Recently my mother was layed finance due to the recession. Both my parents are now unemployed and we cant afford the things we used to such as books, school trips and summer camps. If my mom wouldn’t keep this information private we could get help finding a job from other people, but instead we keep this information private hurting my moms chance at finding a new job for her own pride.</p>

<p>When information is kept private, it doesn’t benefit anyone. People should make less of an effort to keep things private and stop misfortuning themselves and everyone else instead they should “spread the wealth” and make more of an effort to keep things public.</p>

2

<p>I’d say 11 or 12…did you spend 25 minutes on that?</p>

3

<p>This would probably receive a 9 or a 10.</p>

<p>Pros-

  • First and Second examples are great
  • Explicit Thesis statement
    -Conclusion restating the explicit nature of the prompt</p>

<p>Cons-
-Many grammar errors such as over capitalization.
-Misuse of conjunctions (ex. and in a list of two requires no comma)
-Lack of syntactical variation and level of word choice could be improved
-Third example is not impacted enough, and I, for one, believe you should leave it out as it does not clearly support your thesis in a well-versed manner.</p>

4

<p>No offense, but my essays are a lot better… Here,</p>

<p>Prompt: Is the purpose of education to change the world?</p>

<p>Although the purpose of education often seems obscure, it is actually very innate. Education has changed so many aspects of the world in such a way that it is easy to conclude what its purpose is. Although teachers and officials may claim that the motive behind education is to change the world, the purpose of education is actually just for people to survive. As Japan’s modernization and China’s communist education demonstrate, education serves only to sustain nations.
Japan’s motive behind hiring Western instructors during the age of imperialism and modernization is clear. It knew technology had taken over the world, and that the only way to avoid being under the influence of the Western powers was by gaining their knowledge. Thus, the first education they received was instruction on how to use and construct weapons of war. Japan had seen the military might of the European cannons, Maxim guns, and various other firearms. Japan had also seen how other foreign nations were taken by force and overwhelmed by these tools. So in order to survive, it was in Japan’s best interest to ensure it received an education on the new weaponry. There was no intention to change the world; in fact, by building up its military might Japan wanted to avoid embroiling itself in worldwide affairs. Clearly, the purpose of education was not to change the world.
After the communist revolution took over China, Mao Tze Dong also sought to harness education to further his power. He knew that there was still resistance, and had to further consolidate and secure his nation’s future. So Mao began to rewrite the textbooks, and teach the new generation history as he remembered. He did not want dissent to spread around the nation and tear it apart, so he had to unite the people through what he taught. He had no intention whatsoever to change the world. All his focus was on was embedding communist ideals and new ways of life into China’s mind. What this education was for was only to secure the nation, to sustain it. Mao used this kind of education to secure the existence of one united nation, instead of to change the world. So as we can see, the purpose of education is only for survival.
For these reasons, it is obvious that education is not motivated by a desire to change the world. Japan needed education to protect itself from foreign powers, while China needed education to prevent further uprisings. None of these historical events even implied the purpose was to change the world. The purpose of education is not for the world, it is for the individual nations.</p>

5

<p>i would say 9 or 10.</p>

<p>try to have a concluding sentence after every paragraph</p>