Please Grade SAT Essay ~ Thank You

<p>Hello guys,
Can you guys evaluate my essay I just wrote. If you want I can look at your essay. Please provide feedback AND criticisms as I need to improve my writing scores.</p>

<h2>Prompt from Blue Book Test #4 Section 1</h2>

<p>Prompt :
Technology promises to make our lives easier,freeing up time for leisure pursuits. But the rapid pace of technological innovation and the split second processing capabilities of computers that can work virtually nonstop have made all of us feel rushed.We have adopted the relentless pace of the very machines that were supposed to simplify our lives,with the result that, whether at work or play, people do not feel like their lives have changed for the better.</p>

<p>Assignment:
Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better ?</p>

<hr>

<pre><code> Technology has expedited our pursuits greatly; however technology has done damage by raising our expectations and making us indolent. Lately, the newest fascination is voice control/dictation, it appeals to a wide array of platforms including video game consoles, mobile devices, and eye glasses! This privilege we have been given is a blessing but it can also be our demise.

Microsoft recently released the Xbox One as a successor to the Xbox 360; it is capable of being controlled by voice commands as well as gestures Gamers are pampered with the easy control by simply speaking “Xbox on” or “Xbox play disk”. This feature along with many others in smart phones and tablets is good but detrimental at the same time. Giving the public this luxury makes them lazy and spoils them.

Another example is Google Glass; Project Glass has been on Google’s agenda for many years lately and has recently come to a close. Glass is a pair of revolutionary glasses that allow you interact with the internet if you are wearing them. Then can do anything from give you live directions to take full HD video. A couple months ago Google announced that the consumer version was going to be released soon. Again, while this is a huge advancement in the technological industry it is also a drawback in some sense. After the implementation of Glass, people will become reliant on the technology. Activities that were seen as an essential before will be seen as a chore that technology will complete.

Lastly, the Internet as a whole has eased human life. The Internet provides a large database of information that is accessible to most students. It is easier to access then books but it does have drawbacks. In the past without internet, students were forced to use textbooks and other traditional methods of study to gain information and knowledge. Now days however, there is an article for almost anything a student could need. After one quick Google search a student can get specific information for the homework/assignment he or she needs complete. Going back to the past, assignments that required textbook reading and interpretation were designed for the student to retain the information. But now, those assignments are futile since the student isn’t retaining the information.

In conclusion, technology is extremely beneficial to people’s lives, it can also weaken people. Going back to voice dictation, it can make people lethargic by making them accustomed to not having to put much effort into every day actions. In the future, when Glass does make its debut it will make customers reliant on it forcing them to use it for every little job. Lastly, technology is an excellent study resource but it does not take advantage of the students’ capabilities and thus does not help them advance as a student in the future. Therefore, technology should be used as a resource not a necessity. 

</code></pre>

<p>P.S. I wrote this in around 28-30 minutes, sorry I know I have to work on my timing.</p>

<p>Your comments and evaluations will be heavily appreciated.</p>

<p>Cheers!
-alphabot </p>

<p>For an 30-minute SAT Essay, I thought that your essay was pretty strong. </p>

<p>Pros:

  1. Strong Vocab
  2. Clear 5-paragraph structure
  3. Decent analysis</p>

<p>Cons:

  1. Some awkward/clumsy wording. E.G. “has done damage” (line 1) should be “is harmful/damaging” and “eased human life” should be changed, and “Now days however” should also be changed
  2. Thesis needs to be clearer.
  3. You might want to elaborate/remove the paragraph about the Xbox One. It makes the claim that it “spoils” people, but does not sufficiently provide justification…
  4. Try to add examples. Ones that are personal to you, or draw from your reading/experiences/school work. This adds credibility to your claims.</p>

<p>Overall, I would think that the essay is somewhere between 8 and 10 (probably 10). It’s occasional lack of clarity, scarce analysis, and awkward wording preclude the possibility of a 12, but it certainly has other merits that make up for it.</p>

<p>Thanks I thought I needed to work on those parts. I knew my wording and organization would be a bit haphazard. Also after writing the essay I also realized I could have used a variety of examples including experiences or even references from literature. Altogether excellent advice! I think I did pretty good for a 9th grader.</p>