please help me with plan B

<p>I tried to answer this thread helpfully (post #2), because I assumed this girl had scored REALLY badly - you know, in the 300/section range or something. I assumed it meant she might not get into college at all! LOL</p>

<p>I would be disappointed if laserbrother is a kids' practical joke. I think he has a real person's voice. I also like him -- On the one hand, he's sort of like my id, saying (repeatedly) all sorts of things I might feel but never even express to myself, much less write for others. And on the other hand, he lets me feel smug and self-satisfied about how (comparatively) appropriate and laid back I am. One of the minor benefits of CC: you are rarely the biggest loser in the room!</p>

<p>For some reason, I think LB is real and not a troll. But maybe I'm just projecting my own background on the whole thing. Hey, at least LB thinks there are four careers in the world. My parents think there is only ONE (engineering). True story: even now (and I'm in my early 30s), my Dad is fond of saying "do we really need all these other majors? If all of the engineering majors disappeared, the world would stop functioning because we build things. But if we got rid of all the liberal arts people, it wouldn't make a difference." He even looks down on medical school education because "it's all memorization, anyway."</p>

<p>Um, yeah, nice open-minded world view you've got there, Dad.</p>

<p>Curm...my daughter is officially in the witness protection program. (hint hint...she can be found come September in a midwestern state, in a city with a very tall building, communing with the gargoyles). Guess that must be the very definition of failure...
LB..get a life, and let your D live hers.</p>

<p>Laserbrother,
Your daughter's SATs are fabulous - congratulations to her. I do worry about her, though; if you are truly as disappointed as you say you are, she is going to have a lot more serious issues in her life than a 760 SAT score. You need to leave your daughter alone. </p>

<p>BTW, no matter how smart your daughter is - there is no such thing as a guaranteed "5" on any AP exam. You are setting this kid up for failure - how the heck is she going to get through life without a nervous breakdown if she only accepts perfection from herself??</p>

<p>This board has shown remarkable compassion and support for kids who come here for help with their problems.</p>

<p>Regrettably, the same compassion and forbearance is sorely lacking when responding to OP.</p>

<p>The root of his problems appear to be a combination of anger and fear:</p>

<p>
[quote]
I must say that being my children are probably harder. Due to my own poor decisions and laziness, I have become such a big loser. Earned a Ph.D. degree from one of the lowest ranking university, I am ashamed of even talking about that. Now in mid 40s, I am on a dead end job making barely 100K a year, got nothing to show for in my life. Except that, thank God, my very smart kids.

[/quote]
</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=289626&page=3%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=289626&page=3&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>It appears that OP is angry about the course of his life, and fears the same course for his highly competent daughter. </p>

<p>I think that all of us can understand this visceral fear and worry.</p>

<p>I agree that substantial modifications in OP's current approach to addressing his daughter's college planning would be appropriate. However, I doubt that insults and sarcasm will bring any improvements for OP or for his daughter.</p>

<p>My own opinion, which I stated in the quoted thread, is that OP could benefit greatly from therapy, and I hope that he reconsiders his views on that. I think his daughter could benefit as well.</p>

<p>But posters on this board can provide their own, informal therapy, which they so often do for other posters, by offering kindness, understanding, gently put guidance, and patience. Or, at the very least, by refraining from the negativity that currently prevails on many of OP's threads.</p>

<p>ADad, I would agree . . . IF . . . even once, the OP would appear to even consider to take anyone's advice here.</p>

<p>But he/she continues in the same vein over and over again, post after post, so it's hard to muster up any compassion. Certainly not sympathy - we're supposed to feel sorry for someone whose kid scored a 760 in Math on the SAT??!?! </p>

<p>Laserbrother doesn't know how good his family has it.</p>

<p>Good points ADad. Another thing we may not have considered. Perhaps LB is using this board to let out out his frustrations and fears - but reigns it in when he talks to his d. Just a thought. I know that I didn't always let on to my s when I felt stressed during this awful process. I would go on these boards and vent - and hopefully get some support. We're all capable of petty, immature thinking. Yes, 760 is awesome. But I think OP's concern was with the lower mid 600s score on CR. Mid 600's for this CC group IS a bit low. Maybe not worth crying about - but come on. Reading through the posts on these boards can give anyone an inferiority complex!</p>

<p>I guess I'm an optimist at heart, because I keep thinking that perhaps we can reform laserbrother. At least, I hope so for the sake of his daughter. I really appreciate the perspective from GrooveGirl, because I think LB might be for real. </p>

<p>I've followed the laserbrother saga from the beginning; it's like a soap opera. And he follows the same pattern every time. He starts out by saying something is really bad, and then you learn that his definition of bad is most people's definition of good. My favorite is his insistence that he is poor and low-income. Then he admits to a $120,000 annual income with $150,000 in the bank. Same as with the PSAT and SAT scores. </p>

<p>Oh, and on the Curmudgeon scale, my kid's in the witness protection program.</p>

<p>Adad--I think that people have been more than kind over and over again to LB, and they have gotten continually slapped down in response (see reply to Blackeyed Susan). I would not have thought it was possible to push Carolyn into sarcasm--she is probably the most helpful person in the entire CC world, certainly the most patient. But this poster succeeded in doing so.</p>

<p>You may be right that LB needs therapy, though i doubt we should be diagnosing on an anonymous message board, but to say that the board lacks compassion and forebearance seems to be a total misread of the history of this series of threads--I think rather that the board now suffers from compassion burnout--continually seeing good-hearted advice twisted or batted away.</p>

<p>I do think that it might be kinder for all in the long run to stop responding; if there is a disorder here, we are only encouraging it.</p>

<p>I agree with ADad- I hear the thoughts of a dad who wants the "best" for his child and is scared to death.
However-IMO-while some may have the value that a big mortgage, shiny cars and lots of stock are the signs that you are having a "good" life, some of the "things" I want for * my kids* are a vocation that they enjoy and are appreciated in, the ability to love and be loved & the ability to appreciate "life"and especially the knowledge that they are in control of the choices they make. While a good education can open doors to more choices- that education isn't limited to certain schools or even college at all.</p>

<p>Parents often seem to want to protect their children from making their mistakes- thats a fair perspective. However- our children are not little clones, they have the right to make their own mistakes, but we can help while we are raising them, by encouraging them to get up when they fall, by not being afraid to take a chance.</p>

<p>We need to love our kids. Who they are, not who we wish we were.</p>

<p>LB is in his mid 40s" thats barely middle aged, he has 40 more years to go.
What would happen, if he took all this energy he is directing at changing his daughter, and put into his own life, into his own goals?</p>

<p>I suspect, that even if his daughter did everything he wanted- and it sounds like she is a highly accomplished student, that if he was dissatisfied with his own path, he would still be dissatisfied, ( as indeed he is) because her life- IS NOT HIS LIFE.</p>

<p>If I want MY life to be different- how is forcing someone to change their choices going to do that?</p>

<p>

Beautifully stated, Adad. There is a significant difference between offering a different opinion through gentle guidance and taking part in an excessive piling on of criticism that has already been stated by many others. Efforts to truly empathize with and understand others are most always rewarded by growth on the part of both parties. In fact, just this week I have had this experience with someone with whom it looked like I shared little in common--and I have been most thankful for this opportunity. Turns out we actually have quite a bit in common! Thanks for the call for civility, Adad.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

<p>Just saw this video on the MSN site - "father attacks daughter at swim meet because she doesn't win the race".</p>

<p><a href="http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=C3732646-DD55-4F2E-B15C-630BF0758B50&t=c1889&f=06/64&p=hotvideo_m_twiv&GT1=9145%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=C3732646-DD55-4F2E-B15C-630BF0758B50&t=c1889&f=06/64&p=hotvideo_m_twiv&GT1=9145&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>She doesn't win the race, doesn't get the score they expect, doesn't get accepted to the PARENTS' dream school, doesn't rise to the height of where that unattainable bar as been set - geez louise - the things parents are capable of doing to their children.</p>

<p>LB - in the end, what is of supreme importance is the sanctity of the parent/child relationship. Step back, and let her take over - let it become HER SAT scores, HER college choices, HER journey. Such a sense of peace will wash over you - I guarantee it! Neither of my DD's have taken the path we had envisioned for them. We got over it. They are doing great. Take a look at post #117 on this "college decision disappointments" thread. A daughter was rejected from a college where she was a double legacy - see how the father handled the rejection. Priceless!!</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=318519&page=8%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=318519&page=8&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>Damn, I'd love to be scraping by on $100k a year. Quel tragedie!</p>

<p>I've followed Laserbrother's posts over the course of months as well, although I've mostly remained quiet about it all. I do believe he is a real person, with a real D and S.</p>

<p>LB, I understand your disappointment because we always imagine our children to be capable of amazing achievements - and dreaming of perfect SAT scores is probably not all that uncommon for parents of good students. The reality check that most want you to take, however, is that our children are not dreams; they will succeed, and fail, on their own actions and choices, and they will be flawed. </p>

<p>I know you are an immigrant or naturalized citizen, so it will be difficult for you to think like an American. Read these posts carefully to get a sense of what Americans - and by extension, colleges - value. Do not let yourself fall into the trap that scores are everything; your daughter's GPA will carry much more weight when it comes to admissions than her SAT/ACT scores will. Yes, she has to make the cut-off for certain schools, but her record will count for so much more. </p>

<p>In the US, your daughter has already done better than most, even with her lower CR score. She will get into an excellent school, even if she doesn't get accepted by the elite-of-the-elite. The kiss of death in admissions, however, is the visible hand of the parent. If they get any inkling that your D has excelled because you've pushed her, they will back away.</p>

<p>One last note: you would get a warmer reception on CC if you would be more realistic. For instance, $120,000 a year is not a low income salary in any part of the US (or abroad, for that matter!) A math score of 760 is not disappointing. A CR score of, say, 650 is not bad. AP exam results do not count toward HS GPA, although schools that weight will give extra points for the grade earned in the class itself.</p>

<p>Yes, your daughter would do well to bring her CR score to 700 (it's a psychological barrier for the elite schools), but the opportunities that will be available to her will be enormous, even if she can't do this. It won't be the end of the world. A good student will excel wherever she goes, and her life success will follow. She will find her own path because she's both smart and ambitious. SAT scores have nothing to do with that.</p>

<p>Don't for a minute believe that you're hiding your true feelings from your daughter. She knows. Kids are remarkable that way. Try to step back and adjust your expectations so that you can enjoy her last year at home.</p>

<p>


</p>

<p>On the Internet, no one knows you are a dog. The OP is either a truly dedicated troll (of which there are zillions on the Web), or suffers from an advanced case of depression and borderline personality disorder. If he's mentally ill, I apologize. I doubt it, though. I'm thinking it's trolls all the way down.</p>

<p>I don't think so washdad.
It does seem like a caricature to someone who has been immersed in US culture where we "seem" to value independence over everything else, but Ive known kids, whose parents were "pretty intense" with their expectations, and I have to admit that some cliches have some truth.
Just as when I first had kids & thought that all differences between boys and girls were environmental- so if I was * truly enlightened* I could have total influence over what they would be like :rolleyes:</p>

<p>I later found that while that while there is a huge range of interests and behavior in girls, ( or boys) the most active, impulsive, adventurous girl, is barely going to be able to hold a candle to the most active, impulsive, adventurous boy.</p>

<p>And I also found that I have run across many intense parents, if I had a bag of all the ones who were set on their children following a certain path, and went way beyond the call of duty to do everything they could to make sure that they stayed on that narrow path, and I pulled a couple out, more often than not, they would be parents who weren't themselves raised in the US.</p>

<p>By the time most immigrants have been here for a generation or three, they are pretty indistinquishable from the rest of us slackers
;)</p>

<p>


</p>

<p>Never underestimate the primal force of male obsession -- both for good and evil. </p>

<p>I hadn't considered cultural issues, and it might just be that deprecating him(?)self in public is just what he thinks is expected of him. There is some great stuff on this in Amy Tan's books.</p>

<p>There is a very thin line between trying to ensure that your kid fulfills their end of the bargain - i.e., works up to their ability as much as possible, meets application deadlines, etc - and pushing. </p>

<p>Example: my S's 1Q grades were very uneven - not because he couldn't do the work, but because he had slacked off. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he had any hopes of a merit scholarship, he'd better improve where he could. He did, and had outstanding 2Q grades. I told him at the end of 1Q, you're going to hate me for the next couple of months, because I'm going to make sure you don't slack off. That was the only time I really cracked the whip, because I knew it would affect my financial bottom line greatly!
He ended up getting an increased merit award a couple weeks ago, after they reviewed his file again upon his request. I know he feels very proud of his accomplishment, and I don't regret my having to bear down on his senioritis tendencies for those couple months. He did grades 9-11 and his good ACT scores all on his own, without any pushing at all.
I think if you are not always on your kids all the time, they do tend to listen when you have to wield a heavier hand.</p>

<p>I don't think LB is all that different from other first generation Asian (Chinese) parents that I've known. Weekend time with family and homework. Grounded if less than perfect grades. High expectations for any endeavor. Select career goals, which include pharmacy, med sch, & engineering.
I do think LB uses CC to vent. If he didn't gain some knowledge, he would not return.</p>