<p>Hi, ok - feedback through the lens of the College Board’s Scoring Rubric and SAT Prep:</p>
<p>A score of 7 is not a bad score. This means that one Reader found your writing to be Competent (3), and the other considers it Above Competency (4). </p>
<p>Why you got a 7: You state a thesis that is supported by two examples. Your paragraph layout strength is its flow, and you provide nice transitioning. The essay as a whole has some strength as well, as you provide four paragraphs: an intro, 2 body, and a conclusion. </p>
<p>Altogether, you’ve done a decent job. If you’d like to improve your score… </p>
<p>When planning your response pay careful attention to the CB’s position. In your response, you link “wise” to mean “intelligent”. The quote (Refer to Prompt 1 @ [SAT</a> - Essay Prompts](<a href=“http://professionals.collegeboard.com/testing/sat-reasoning/prep/essay-prompts]SAT”>SAT Practice and Preparation – SAT Suite | College Board)), located above the question, makes a clear distinction between whether a wise person is TRULY intelligent IF they are not happy - that’s their point. Their position (in the quote) is that happiness is more accurate an indicator as to whether someone is truly wise. Your thesis, “it is best to determine how wise people are by their level of intelligence and worldly experience, instead of by their happiness” responds well to the quote and assignment - this is effective. However, and this is sadly so, the rest of your introduction speaks to another point: that wise people are smart people and they are unhappy. You designed that extension, not the College Board. Further, your body paragraphs keep bringing the reader back to this, other, position. You’ve muddied the waters. </p>
<p>If your position is that intelligence is the best indicator of wisdom, then your point about whether or not a person is happy is irrelevant. To get a better score, use examples support your position (which you did but only marginally extended in the proper direction); keep your evidence sentences on point: only illustrating how this example supports your position. For ex., your sister paragraph could include that she’s smart: evidence = gave sage advice, @ ivy now - most readers would agree with this as evidence) AND then illustrate how she’s wise: give evidence of good decisions (you need to make this). The fact that she’s depressed does not support your position; arguably, this weakens your position! You stumbled upon a very toxic thing for a writer: the term “depressed” is a clinical diagnosis. Most readers know someone or have read about depression, everyone has personal impressions and has made observations/conclusions regarding depressed people that may or may not apply to your sister. Moreover, these have nothing to do with your point (that wisdom is best determined by intelligence). You brought up a clinical diagnosis that has a world of attachments for every single human being - opening a pandora’s box of attachments, many of which weaken your position (some may believe depressed people are unstable, therefore lack the ability to be consistently wise, for example). …and you didn’t even need to bring it up! I realize your trying to go for that extra layer: that not only is she wise because she’s intelligent, but also she’s wise in spite of her unhappiness (which you’ve fatally categorized as depression). You didn’t pull it off. When you added that layer, you actually shot a hole in the bottom of your boat. (sorry for the cliches, I’m on a role, can’t help it.) </p>
<p>Consider providing your thesis in your first or second sentence in your Intro Para for SAT Essays. Typically it would be okay to provide your thesis in sentence #3, even preferred, but with the SAT Essay Readers have a small window of time within which they read and score. Stating your thesis in sentence #1 or #2 makes your position clear and creates an element of forceful (read: effective) writing. </p>
<p>At times your writing is a little challenging to follow. Practice simplifying what you say: just say it. We want to sound sophisticated when we write, but sometimes that backfires. For example, consider re-phrasing “Throughout the history of mankind, there have been many unhappy, extremely intelligent people.” as, “Intelligent people can be the most unhappy ones.” (There, wasn’t that effective?! …that is, IF you even wanted say this (and as I discussed, this would not be on point, unless you followed by saying something along the lines of, “Similarly, fools and simpletons can be equally miserable.” to then transition to “Happiness is nothing more than a feeling. The measure of the wise is their intelligence in action, as illustrated by leaders such as Franklin D. Roosevelt and Gandhi.” Bam. </p>
<p>When you mention your examples in your Intro Para (kudos), be sure to mention them in the order they will be presented. For example, if you are going to mention your sister first in that sentence in the Intro, Body Para #1 ought to be your sister. </p>
<p>Try to keep all paragraphs at about the same size. You need to invest more time/energy into your Conclusion to summarize your examples, how they prove your point/restate your thesis, to close with an insightful extension. Avoid including questions in your writing. </p>
<p>Be careful not to state perceivable inaccuracies. To say he “attended Oxford” suggests Gatsby is “an Oxford man” - which is a major point of contention among the characters. He isn’t and says so himself; he is careful not to call himself an Oxford man, but he intentionally misleads folks into thinking this, simply because he spent a few weeks visiting Oxford the summer after the war. There’s no benefit in mentioning Oxford. </p>
<p>Enough. In short: Take a stand; clearly state it. Find evidence to support your position, illuminate in detail how this example supports your position. Stay strictly on point.</p>