Please Help - Unsupportive Parents

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi all,
I've already brought up this problem in the 2012 thread, but since not everyone reads that..
Basically, I've been accepted to both the University of Chicago and Colorado College (with a merit scholarship) as well as the University of Vermont. I have not visited any of these three schools. I have more decisions coming in April. My parents have permitted me to schedule a visit for Chicago, and we are in the process of scheduling one for Vermont. I am very, very interested in visiting Colorado, but my parents are currently not allowing me to do so, and therein lies the problem. For ease of reading, I'll partition our various perspectives and arguments for and against:</p>

<p>My Perspective:
I'm not the type of person to apply to schools based on prestige or ranking. Although academically, CC is a match/safety for my numbers, I still am very much interested in the school, and am seriously considering it. I'm not just looking for an excuse to take a mini-vacation out to Colorado. I think the Block Plan is awesome. I consider fit to be extremely important and from all the (hours and hours, literally) of research I've done about CC, I think I would fit in well. I'm coming from an urban area, but I visited the Pacific NW this summer and fell in love with the mountains and the easy access to everything active. I've always loved hiking and climbing and biking etc. and those activities contribute a lot to my happiness. I also think that CC is perfectly acceptable in terms of academic strength. It may not be #1 but that doesn't mean it's bad either...</p>

<p>Parental Perspective:
They've always expected strong grades, and academics have always defined education for them. I know this from being sent to a top private school, the tuition of which limited all other activities that our family could have participated in. I love books and learning, and so I never really had a problem meeting or exceeding their expectations, because I legitimately loved doing so, for myself, not for them. There has been friction in the past, namely when they almost forced me to drop my 2 sports. Their argument: I wasn't playing at the varsity level, so why should I bother wasting time that I could otherwise spend studying? My argument: Um I don't play to win..I play because I like being part of a team..and staying in shape is really important to me...In the end, I kept my sports but was required to improve all of my grades if they weren't already As (from Bs and B+s). They want me to succeed, maybe more so than they otherwise would because my sibling has learning disabilities and is not an outstanding student. They are both high-achievers academically, and graduated from top universities.</p>

<p>Their Argument:
Chicago is a top-ranked school. The people that will matter in my future will recognize the name. They have excellent professors and I will be surrounded by intellectual and academically motivated peers. I will likely form connections that will serve me well later in life, and I will have many opportunities to add to my resume while still an undergraduate that will put me ahead of the pack in the future. Chicago is the best offer I'm likely to get and I should accept it. Plus, Colorado is a safety. We assumed you wouldn't even consider it if you were accepted elsewhere. My mom literally said: I had never heard of Colorado College until you applied there.</p>

<p>My Argument:
OK, Mom..your knowledge of schools in the US is not totally comprehensive. Just because it's not located on a coast does not mean it's not a strong school. If you're going to go off of rankings, Colorado is the #27 liberal arts college. That's pretty damn good. Yes, I realize that my UG choice will shape the rest of my life. I happen to think that being happy and that "fit" are two important factors to consider. I'm going to have just as good, if not stronger, relationships with my professors. Research opportunities may not abound, but I don't even really want to be a scientist! I'm interested in neuroscience, but I'm also interested in a thousand other things. CC offers a Master's of Teaching degree, as well as a cooperative program with the Columbia University Law School. I don't particularly care about being an important or influential person, or about being "successful." Yes, Dad, you've told me that I shouldn't worry about money, but I will. I don't want to be in debt, even if you consider it a good investment to go to Chicago. I want to have enough money to do what I want to do, and I would have it if I go to CC. Last but not least, a visit does NOT mean that I'm making a decision! I JUST want to have all my options out on the table, and to know for sure what I'm getting myself into. Visits are really influential for me: I decided not to apply to my first choice on paper after I visited, because I didn't like the atmosphere.</p>

<p>Conclusion:
I've done a lot of research into every college to which I applied. I would not be asking for this trip if it weren't important. My mom claims not to understand why I'm interested in CC; I replied that she didn't have to understand. They argued that flights to Colorado are expensive; I went online and found a round-trip for the same price as a round-trip to Chicago.</p>

<p>I'm not really sure what other arguments I can make, since comparing a college and a university is like comparing an apple to an orange. It just doesn't work, as they're meant to be two completely different experiences. I would really appreciate any advice from parents on what arguments I could make that would work, since parents see college differently from students. I'm sorry for the length of this post - I'm very frustrated and upset, since this trpi isn't something that I have the funds to make happen on my own. Thank you.</p>

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<p>I agree with your Parents, visit Chicago with an open mind because you might end up really liking it. If you visit Chicago and feel like its a good fit I would not bother visiting the rest because of cost and time. Plus if your parents are paying for your education then they will ultimately have the last say if they choice to do so.</p>

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<p>

Perhaps she does need to understand.</p>

<p>What if you asked your mom to fly with you, at the lowish cost fare, to see CC together? Tell her you’re really trying to keep an open mind, and it would help you make the best possible choice, with longterm satisfactions, if you could tour with a parent with an open mind, too. A trip where Mom walks around disagreeably commenting negatively on all things CC isn’t what you have in mind. It could be Mom or Dad, you know best.</p>

<p>At this point, even if you came back raving in love with CC, they wouldn’t support it. So I wondered if it’s possible to include one of them on a visit there, to share and exchange perceptions, positive and negative.</p>

<p>You have to be sure you can handle her negative comments as she walks around. If that would make you crazy out there, then don’t try to invite her.</p>

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<p>I’m not a fan of, your mom’s logic here, but i agre with the outcome. Colorado colleige is, .particularly .week in neuroscience, the department is just part of psych. You’d do much beater at ,Chpicago.</p>

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<p>Invader71 - I actually really love Chicago too. I know I didn’t talk much about it in the original post, but Chicago and CC are pretty much tied. I’m really excited to visit Chicago, but the problem is that I want to visit CC just as much and my parents are not supportive of that because they don’t think I should feel the need to visit anywhere else. </p>

<p>paying3tuitions - I’d rather not visit with her, as I tend to be a very independent person (and yes, I know they finance my life and that I’m not really independent but in other areas, I am). What she says is not going to change my good opinion of the school; but I agree when you say that what I say will not change their negative opinion either. My mom knows that she could come along (my dad hasn’t been involved in the process at all until now) but her presence would just mean more $$ in terms of airfare + hotel (I can stay on campus) which undermines their argument that it’s too expensive…</p>

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<p>Presumably, your parents think that Colorado College is an acceptable alternative since it was one of the group of schools to which you applied. As long as you are choosing between acceptable schools that were approved for possible attendance by your parents, you should have the final word as to which one of those schools that you attend - assuming that the cost to the family is the same or less at the place you choose. </p>

<p>Colorado College is a very good liberal arts college. University of Chicago is an exceptional university. Graduate schools will be more impressed with excellent performance and recommendations from Colorado College then middling performance from University of Chicago, so there is a big fish in a smaller pond argument to consider. </p>

<p>That said, if you are highly academically motivated, you might love University of Chicago. You ought to avoid emotional attachments to schools based on beautiful glossy brochures designed to entice you when the reality of each place will be very different from your imagination. </p>

<p>Perhaps you could reach a compromise. Agree to visit Chicago first. If you like it, then forego the visit to Colorado College. If you are not convinced by visiting Chicago, then visit Colorado College. Can you do something to help defray the cost if a a second visit is necessary?</p>

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<p>“Presumably, your parents think that Colorado College is an acceptable alternative since it was one of the group of schools to which you applied” </p>

<p>At my school, the college counselors are really involved with the students. If the parents and students want to, they are welcome to work on the college list together, but otherwise the students and counselors make it happen. Since my parents and I do not have a good relationship, they were unaware of the schools that I applied to until after Nov. 1st. They do not think it is a good alternative, as they are under the impression that safeties are not ever meant to be the school that a student attends, unless that student fails to be accepted anywhere else. I like your idea of a compromise, but the problem is that my parents, if I visit, already want me to wait until after April 1st. I can already tell that making a decision is going to be difficult, plus I’m going to have a LOT of work academically as a senior come April. Since I already know that I’m going to want to visit CC regardless, it makes more sense for me to visit when I actually have the time to do so, right?
Theoretically, I might be able to do this visit without parental permission, if I cashed in a bunch of money I’ve been saving to buy a laptop as a graduation present to myself. I’d probably be grounded for life tho…</p>

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<p>How does the Univ. of Vermont fall into this? Is it close by, so a visit is cheap? Why not forgo that one? I’m wondering why it’s still on your list with the other two acceptances.</p>

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<p>Will your parents allow you to visit Chicago if you pay for the trip yourself? </p>

<p>You might do some research about 3-way fares, as often those can be quite a savings. That is, you fly out to Chicago, then from Chicago to Denver* - and then return home. (You’d have to take a bus from Denver to Colorado Springs, but you are probably going to get better airfares that way; I know Southwest Airlines services both Midway & Denver, with frequent flights in & out of Denver). Since I don’t know where you live, though, I don’t know about your home airport.</p>

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<p>If they care about prestige o much, why would they consider Vt over Colorado?</p>

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<p>Do you have any savings where you can spend your own money for the trip to CC? If so then do that. If not then look for a part time job so you can pay your own way. If that’s not possible then see if your parents are willing to front the money as a loan that you promise, in writing, to pay them back and then follow through with a part time job in the summer.</p>

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<p>

It’s possible but it’d be a pain and quite time consuming. Flying right into Colo Springs would be best if possible and if it’s not terribly more expensive than Denver.</p>

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<p>I agree with you that you should be able to visit colorado but there is probably not much you can say to convince your parents. I still agree with what i had previously said that if you really like Chicago after the visit and feel its a good fit you should forego with visit to Colorado. It is a very good chance at UChicago can open doors for you that Connecticut would not be able to. Simply location wise for internships and research Connecitcut cannot compare. Although if you do not enjoy or have a bad feeling after your visit to Chicago let your parents know that and hopefully they will let you visit Colorado. Both are great schools but UChicago is a very hard school to turn down.</p>

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<p>I live in the MidAtlantic region. Is there any way to get around not having a credit card for online purchase of tickets? I’ve bought American Express giftcards before, but only in $50 increments. Do they sell ones for $300? The other problem is that they regard the trip as a waste of money period, regardless of whether it’s mine or theirs and as I’m still a minor, I can’t really do anything about that. So if I were to go using my own funds, I would be making the trip without their permission, and I’m not really sure if that counts as something illegal or not but I’d definitely get in a lot of trouble when I got back. </p>

<p>I’m not really sure what the thing with Vermont is…it was also another safety but it has not come up in the conversation. Possibly because I was accepted to the Honors College…possibly because I’m simultaneously visiting an RD school, I’m not really sure. </p>

<p>I wish I could combine with the Chicago trip, but I can’t for two reasons, one because the flight is already booked and two because I really can’t afford to miss much school, which makes scheduling difficult.</p>

<p>calmom- you mentioned a bus from Denver to CC - could you tell me more about that? I contacted the school regarding transportation from the airport to the campus, but they’re on winter break and thus haven’t replied.</p>

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<p>I live near a major airport, so that’s not a concern</p>

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<p>Keep in mind that the Air Force Academy is also in Colorado Springs, so you should have lots of ways to get there. </p>

<p>You can get pre-paid Visa cards. They sell them at our grocery store.</p>

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<p>I may be off base here but I get the feeling that this conflict has less to do with the merits of the “fit” between Chicago and Colorado, and more to do with your poor relationship with your parents. Are you sure there isn’t an element of defiance in your promotion of CC over the University of Chicago?</p>

<p>When I read the title of your post I expected that you were a kid whose parents did not know anything about college or value higher education. My impression is not that your parents are unsupportive; it’s just that they don’t agree with what you want to do. Sometimes people your age tend to cut off their own noses to spite their faces just to tick off their parents.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what’s really going on with you right now but I think your should address the larger issue with your parents before the relationship is damaged further. Maybe some family counseling would help all of you clarify why you are at this impasse.</p>

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<p>Shootingsilver:</p>

<p>If you really love Chicago too, then you ought to think about whether a trip to Colorado college is worth creating family drama. A visit will give you an impression, not a guarantee. It is better to visit, but the randomness of who you speak to and whether those people represent the college, etc., suggests caution in putting too much weight on them. If you also love Chicago, and your parents want you to go there, then why not go with the flow. If this is just an autonomy / control issue, don’t worry you will be out of the house soon, and your worst case scenario is a great university with national reputation that you love. Don’t worry, be happy.</p>

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<p>Could your school guidance counselor help mediate? Maybe your guidance counselor can help you communicate to your parents that YOUR preference is a rather critical component in this decision. As a parent, I know how hard it is to give up control, but it’s also important to trust one’s children, especially when they are hard-working, motivated and mature, as you seem to be. I’ve heard of national merit finalists who have been deferred from Colorado College; it’s hardly the bottom of the barrel academically. In any case, the University of Chicago/Colorado College comparison is apples to oranges. You may find that you like the Colorado College orange better. </p>

<p>This also stuck out for me:
“I’m interested in neuroscience, but I’m also interested in a thousand other things.”</p>

<p>You will do best in an environment where you feel you belong and where YOU are excited intellectually, whatever you decide to study. If you are interested in neurosciences, you will find opportunities to explore that interest at Colorado College; maybe there won’t be a Nobel laureate to guide you but you will find exceptional teachers who will help you find your way through the field (I don’t know if there’s a relevant Nobel laureate in this area at Chicago, but you get the point).</p>

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<p>It’s definitely one of the odder school lists I must say, Vermont, Chicago and Colorado College hmmmm. You do know that Colorado College is in Colorado Springs and not really that close to the mountains right? Anyway, perhaps you could talk your parents into letting you visit during your spring break either by Train or by finding cheap airfair to Denver or directly into Colorado Springs. Ask first. Then offer to spit the cost out of your savings and as a last resort offer to fund it. Congrats on your Chicago acceptance, have to admit as a parent I would be voting for that one too.</p>