<p>I have been a lurker from past few months. I need some advice. My daughter posed this question to me as she was asking my help. She is interested in few activities and has received awards in the various competitions. This club is student-managed club. On the basis of merit she was supposed to be elected as a board member. However, to her surprise two girls who come from very well off families have bought the present club members who are seniors by showering gifts on them. They have given them expensive gifts. On top of it these girls are doing some personal favors to some of the club members and trying to make sure that my daughter does not have a chance to get elected to the positions. I told my daughter gifts are out of question but sexual favors are even not thinkable. </p>
<p>Is this a common phenomenon in schools that meritorious kids gets pushed aside by other kids who have shady means to achieve their objectives? I am looking for advice. Please help us.</p>
<p>I am not sure what can be done because how can anything be proved. It is awful that this happened, but some kids will do anything. Are there other kids in the club/activity that are also upset. If so, they can all walk out of the club in protest and maybe start a new club with similar goals. As a parent, I would make a list of everything I know. How does the school administration feel about these families? </p>
<p>One thing I would do right away is get my daughter involved in whatever she can outside of school. My D didn't have quite the problem your D is facing, it was more of teacher favoratism with certain kids, thus never giving other kids the chance to do much. We went outside of the school and had even better experiences- acting classes, sports, leadership, speeches, etc. It was hard, but if the system in your school can be bought and the admin looks the other way, you need to go and get those EC and projects on your own.</p>
<p>That does not mean doing nothing. Sometimes, it takes going beyond the school. Is this organization a state or national one, or just a school one? Are the parents reasonable or they most likely going to defend their little girls to the bitter end? And remember, in high school, this stuff gets around very quickly. Most clubs have a teacher advisor. Are they blind to whats going on?<br>
They are a good place to start. Your D can ask them to explain how the system is supposed to work and can talk to the teacher about what is going on if the teacher is sympathetic. What can happen, especially if the teacher and admin are turning a blind eye, is that your D can be called a whiner or jealous or whatever. It would be their defense because they did such bad job of monitoring this club- blame the wrong person.</p>
<p>rally the other club members who may be upset with what is going on. What is the point of being in a club with such disgusting and gross members? I wouldn't even want to be part of that group if this kind of behavior and bribery is acceptable to so many members...</p>
<p>Let the kids work out their own problems. People using whatever means to get ahead is a part of life. Tell you child that this is reality, hold her head high and make her case. If it doesn't go her way she needs to make the best of it. She will face this over and over in life and the more maturely she can deal with it and figure out her own winning strategy, the better.</p>
<p>This is a school-based organization. My daughter attends this school on financial aid and one need money to start the club. Looks like my daughter will be edged out and she may have to start her own club. This is the first time I see that how money and other things can be leveraged to buy out others. I feel so helpless in this situation.</p>
<p>"This club is student-managed club. On the basis of merit she was supposed to be elected as a board member. "</p>
<p>I don't understand this. It seems that your D somehow assumed she was guaranteed a board position, but that does not seem to be the case.</p>
<p>If it is an elected position, then students would have the right to elect whomever they wish. If the club members have integrity, then merit would be the yardstick, if not, then favors, etc. would be how the position would be filled.</p>
<p>I personally would not want to be in an organization that chose its exec board based on gifts and favors that prospective board members had showered on the members. It may be that the members feel this way, too, and the actions of the gift and favor-givers will not result in their getting assigned to the exec board.</p>
<p>If this ends up not the case, I suggest that your D l become involved in or start an organization in which the members share her values.</p>
<p>atalk - I'm sure this happens everywhere. As all things in life, this issue too shall pass. If your daughter has good EC's and the awards from various competitions that you mentioned she will be competitive when applying for college. Let her know that it is certainly disappointing, but I wouldn't dwell on it. Remember, the old saying of "what comes around goes around". It is more important that she does the right thing and like zagat says "holds her head up high." Good luck.</p>
<p>by make a list I mean document it. If these kids get away with it in one club, they will try another. And I disagree. Just because something is done all the time, does not mean we accept it.</p>
<p>Yes this was fault on part of my daughter that she assumed it that she will have a chance to be elected. In past she has brought many awards to school based on these activities. Many club officers told her that she is a good contributing member. However, in past few weeks the other girls who competed with her in same outside events and did not win any awards are edging her out by systematically showering gifts to most influential members. My daughter cannot afford these gifts as she is attending school on full financial aid. </p>
<p>Zagat:
hold her head high I think this is the only option she might have.</p>
<p>I guess this prepares her for life lessons that life is not fair. I told her to speak against this once she is in the position to do so that others may not meet similar fate in life.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom - I totally agree that just because something is done all the time, it doesn't mean we have to accept it. However, this is just a school club not something important (in the scheme of life). You have to remember that these girls she could be getting into "trouble" can possibly make the rest of her school years AWFUL. I just don't think that it is worth it.</p>
<p>"However, in past few weeks the other girls who competed with her in same outside events and did not win any awards are edging her out by systematically showering gifts to most influential members"</p>
<p>IMO then she needs to speak up as a voice of integrity. She needs to campaign on her merits.</p>
<p>I have heard of students who tried all sorts of unethical things in elections and were defeated by students who campaigned with integrity.</p>
<p>Also, if the other students really are swayed by expensive gifts and vote for the other students for that reason, it sounds like that's not an organization that your D needs to be part of since the members do not share her values.</p>
<p>I don't think that the issue is whether your D can afford expensive gifts. Even if she could afford to buy such presents, wouldn't she rather not be a member of an organization that selected exec board members by such a method?</p>
<p>Atalk, at this age all of the children are learning. The kids who vote for those that bribed them will get bad leadership and learn that's not what they want. Most will vote differently as they mature. </p>
<p>The important thing is that you help your daughter understand that she will lose if she lets things like this rattle her. Life is still an irrational popularity contest for the most part in high school. We want to protect hurt feelings, but they, too, are a part of life.</p>
<p>My daughter loves this activity. She does not care about even being a club member. Her biggest fear is that she may not be even allowed to go and compete in this activity. She is participating in these events since her early childhood. Board member has a say that is allowed to go. To give you an example, she has most awards in her grade level. But last time they made a decision to select the team based on member height. As my daughter is short, and my daughter was left out. That time school did not win any wards. How do you deal with this when you are not even allowed to participate? It is very unsettling.</p>
<p>OP, you described the group as being student managed ... is there a faculty advisor? Has s/he been a help with the situation? I would hope the school would have guidelines for clubs that make it clear this behavior is not acceptable ... and while it probably will still will go on to some degree hopefully more of the kids who vote will understand which candidate bahaved ethically.</p>
<p>I am not sure what kind of school club this is and what kind of activity it does that operates in this fashion. My kids have been members of all kinds of clubs, school and private, and there have often been controversies as to who is captain, president, officer, etc. Sometimes it can be argued that the positions were, in part, bought. When you have a family and kid who has put a lot of time and resources in supporting the club over time, it is hard not to give the kid an officer position his final year, as you know it will only benefit the club overall. Sometimes the position is given to the top performer which is not always the best way to go since that kid may not be a good leader, and may not keep things running smoothly or recruit heavily though an excellent and valued member. This goes for sport, debate, performing arts, everything. Also if the family does not participate at all, and this activity heavily depends on the officer's family's contributions in work and money, well, it does not bode well to make this person the leader. The other component that comes into the picture is personal charisma and leadership. My son is a tricaptain senior year, and though he is one of the best performers in one of those sports, he is not in the other two. But he is without a doubt a leader among his peers and the teams have grown under him. I am not sure the coaches were so supportive of the votes for him, and I hear there were some disappointed parents, but the team and the kids in the school were definitive in their choice. And watching him operate, I have to agree, and there are many issues about him, that would make adults hesitate, myself included. Unless there is some provable, deviant activities occuring in the election or selection of these positions, my advice is to just suck it down. There is not much you can do about it. If the kids decide they want a lousy president because she looks cool or is from a rich family or because the parents allow open use of their house for parties and other such nonsense, there is not much you can do about it. One of S's teams almost went under from poor leadership one year, when the coaches stepped in and pretty much selected the captains for a variety of very good reason, but the captains and reasons were not supported by the team. There are some things you do have to let go on their own momentum.</p>
<p>I understand this is a student run club, but is there a faculty advisor? Most schools will not fund/allow a group to be autonomous without some faculty liason to ensure compliance with the schools rules, ethics, code of conduct, etc. Is that person a resource to help your D sort through this situation? If the club is competing with other schools I would think that a code of conduct would apply and perhaps it addresses this or at least sets forth the values, etc. that may lend support for any action she may want to take. I am sure she feels disadvantaged by the influence of money but I agree with posters that it is best to encourage kids to use these situatons as learning opportunities. Sometimes they help reenforce values, priorities, etc. The awards speak volumes of your D's accomplishments. She should not let others take away her passion and interest in the activity by their actions. Don't give them that power over her.</p>
<p>atalk
I agree this is just a life lesson for your daughter "life isn't fair". I could write a book about my S's bad HS experiences. Some of it wasn't fair - some he brought on himself for refusing to "suck up" and some was simply because he has parents that aren't made of money. Teachers aren't paid enough and they appreciate the things money can buy for them and the school. If you ask him though, in this the spring of his senior year, having just been screwed over again (If he just would learn to suck up a little bit!) he would say high school was great! He did get into an excellent college none the less. Have your daughter really look in the mirror and see how she could have made it happen for her. May be there is nothing, maybe it just is unfair, but that is life.</p>
<p>The activity- how can people be picked based on height? Unless we are talking "tallest people competition" this is discrimination pure and simple. I can't imagine any contest where height is the factor. Next, well the blonds can go this time. Will they exclude minorities next? The fact they based their decisiion on height (are their friends tall) is enough to make any principal very very nervous. Its almost the same as basing it on weight, hair color, shoe size, or whatever.- The club members will claim that they chose height as a factor because they wanted to give everyone a chance to compete. We know that is not true, but it will be their excuse. The faculty advisor, by the way, is either really clueless, not doing their job, could care less, or is in awe of the students and their families.</p>
<p>That alone should be grounds for going to the school staff. But I understand the fear. </p>
<p>A better way would be to put everyones name in a hat. Draw out the number of kids allowed to go. Then put those names aside. The next competition, draw out the next number allowed to go. And so on. It may not be perfect, but if they want to pull that kind of &%^# again, they won't be able to.</p>
<p>Find a way to participate in this activiity outside of the school. There is usually something.</p>
<p>I sent you a private message. It is what I would do.</p>
<p>Who are you competing against? How are the competitions run? Go to them. Find out how their clubs work. You don't have to talk about your own, but getting some idea how it works elsewhere can give you some ammunition.</p>
<p>PS- life is unfair. True So lets all just sit back and suck it up and take it. That's how people have been able to get away with stuff like this for so long. I find that a copout.</p>
<p>What these kids are doing is a kind of bullying. You can't participate because you are poor. You can't participate because you are short. You can;t participate because we just want our little school sponsored clique to. We want to take away your chances for ECs and competitions, cause hey, we can.</p>
<p>But, hey, that is life. </p>
<p>So, Rosa, go sit in the back. Um, you can't work because your Irish. We don't hire Mexicans. That is all unacceptable as adults, but we expect our kids to take it. Hey, shorty, you're not wanted, we just let tall people go. Hey, your poor, can't be part of our club cause you can't buy yourself a leadership position.</p>
<p>citygirlsmom - I don't think any of us are just saying sit back and suck it up. We are not "copping out". We are talking about a group that is student run - not a government run organization and I think that is what is different. Kids are cruel. Make a big deal out of this and this person could suffer the consequences of being tortured her entire school life. For a student run organization? I think not! I have seen so many kids whose parents have stepped in and made their kids lives _ell at school. Besides all that, this organization sounds absolutely crazy in the way things have been handled in the past. Why waste your time in such a club. What is the club for heaven's sake? I think we all need a lot more information before we attack one another's opinions.</p>
<p>By the way, this is just my opinion. We are all offering advice on something that we don't even have all the facts on. </p>
<p>I will go on record to state however that if this were a situation that your child's safety, etc. was being endangered then I would be the first person at school raising cain. We had a situation at school with some boys jumping on my son, etc. after lunch & we did NOT take it lightly. We went to the principal & told him that we wanted to see the videos (our school has video surv). We also told the principal that we would bring charges against these students and the school if nothing was done. Were we afraid for our son? Absolutely!!! He never went into the bathrooms ever by himself again, and he was on guard outside the school also. That was three years ago, and nothing ever happened so I guess it was handled appropriately. There are battles to choose and there are battles to choose.</p>