Please Rate my Essay - Highly Appreciated.

<p>Might be a bit long, but I think it's pretty good. Please rate it out of 12, and what could I do to improve my writing. THANKS A LOT! </p>

<p>Assignment: Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you
develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from
your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>==========================</p>

<p>The question “Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?” suggests that some things are better off being being told, rather than being kept private. In other words, some stuff should be kept private, because even though it may not harm anyone in any possible way, a person may view it in a negative way and change his or her opinion about a particular person.
I think some things are better off being known, to release the tension kept inside ourselves. Throughout society and in life, the evidence to support my viewpoint is pervasive.</p>

<p>Take for example Kaiko Kimoto, who was a Japanese emperor in the 1830s,, who was a father of two. Emperor Kimoto worked hard to prepare his eldest son to take over his empire once he died. His eldest son never wanted to rule, he just wanted to live a simple life like every other Japanese, but he feared to tell his beloved father. He knew he was not the person to take over the empire, but yet he kept it to himself to avoid disappointing his father. Once his father died, he was set to rule, but failed resulting in a loss of his whole empire, due to lack of confidence and interest. As you see, the empire which emperor Kaiko worked so hard for, was destroyed because his son never told him the truth about him not wanting to take over, his younger son would have done a better job.</p>

<p>Consider the case where Hans Miller a German scientist who worked for a criminal organization in 1730s was doing an experiment with his team whether the poison they made was strong enough to kill a person, which later would be used on the leader of the country. The first test resulted in a success. When the time came to make the poison to poison the leader, Miller forgot to add an ingredient in the poison, which resulted in making the leader severely sick, rather than killing him. Miller and his whole team were sacked by their employer. Miller could have spared his team, if he has told the employer that he was to blame for the failure, instead he kept it private, getting himself killed along with his colleagues.</p>

<p>My last vivid example is Ted Law, who was a successful businessman working for a large corporation in New York in the 1800s. He has accidentally made a major mistake by miscalculating the profits of the campaign. The corporation thought the campaign was very successful, resulting in an investment of hundreds of thousands dollars into the exact same campaign. Half-way through the campaign, Ted realized he made a major miscalculation, if he was to tell him boss about his mistake, he would instantly be fired, but at least he would have saved the company a lot of money, but he decided to keep it private, in attempt to save his job. As you see, Ted could have saved the company hundreds of thousands of dollars, and even maybe being forgiven by his boss, he decided to keep his mistake private, resulting in a very unsuccessful campaign.</p>

<p>Clearly the examples above show that some stuff are better off being told, rather than being kept private to yourself, even though it might affect you. Look at Kaiko Kimoto’s son, he could have saved the whole empire. Also take note of Ted, who could have saved the company hundreds of thousands which he clearly did not even attempt to. Some things are better off being known, while some things are better off kept private, it’s just a matter of making the right decision.</p>

<p>I like the structure of 3 examples but I recommend doing some more light proof-reading just to catch some sentences which are a little clunky or colloidal. I also thought the second example was kind of dark, because you make it sound like it was a bad thing that a murderer’s plot was foiled!! I don’t not think that wasn’t your intention, but maybe you could try another example instead that doesn’t make you sound like a killer, something related to history like NASA Challenger crash or something.</p>

<p>Okay…here goes:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your examples appear to be fake.</p></li>
<li><p>Even if they’re real, they don’t really connect to the prompt. You haven’t told me how these people have (or haven’t) made an effort to keep things private. Without doing this, you can’t tell me why these efforts matter, which is the most important part of the task.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>There are other problems that prevent this from being a four—such as the use of first- and second-person point of view—but they’re insignificant compared to those I’ve pointed out above.</p>

<p>7</p>

<p>Your examples are solid. Though someone above said that they appear to be fake, the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter. Your introduction and conclusion, however, need serious work. Don’t rewrite the question in your hook statement…just don’t, please. Also avoid any cliche’s or “webster defines ___ as…” ********, just try to make it interesting and relevant. Your thesis states only that you have evidence, not what it is. Also the actual thesis doesn’t include your POV, it should all be contained within the same paragraph. In your conclusion it’s important to sum up why your examples back your statement, not just recap what you said in the essay. Generally try to avoid cluttered language (i.e.: father), first person pronouns, and overuse of unclear antecedents like “stuff” and “things.” With some work and more good examples like these you could easily get a 9</p>