Please Rate my SAT essay! :D

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

Hi guys, I scored a 8 on my sat essay in January using the how to get a 12 essay in 10 days. I am taking another SAT April 15th as part of school day sat program. I would really like to hear about opinions on my essay. I would like to know what works and what doesn’t, and what is needed to get the coveted 12/12. Thanks.
Prompt: Do works of art have the power to change people’s lives? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

People can be influenced by a variety of factors that touch them so deeply that their stance on certain issues change as a result of how vivid and personal the experiences were. Ranging from heartbreaking news reports to encounters with strangers, these events can all cause one to change their stance on issues in life, but art cannot be classified as a venue by which people’s perspective on life changes.

The American anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner” by Francis Scott Key is a beautifully written work of art that tells of America’s glory and the bravery of its people. Though it is true that the song has inspired countless generations of patriotic Americans, it is difficult to see how this song can change a person’s perspective on life. The song is rather generic and has little ties with today’s Americans who spend most of their time abuzz on social media. As such, the song cannot touch them personally and has little power to lift them from the obstacles of life other than to give the people solace through patriotic phrases. On the other hand, if one were to have witnessed what Francis Scott Key did during the British Navy’s attack on Yorktown, one’s perspective on life most definitely would have changed. To watch helplessly as one’s country is continuously bombed by enemy ships, yet wake to find that even at dawn, the American flag is still waving, one would feel a great sense of love and passion for America and its troops. This experience would undoubtedly make the viewer consider America as a great and powerful nation, and give him the mentality that he can persevere even at the darkest of times.

Furthermore, one’s view on the preciousness of human life cannot be changed by stories alone. In her memoir “Malala”, Malala Yousafazi describes the hardships she and her family faced during the Taliban attacks on her home country. Though she is shot and critically wounded, it is hard to imagine her experience and the hardships the native inhabitants must live through based only on black and white text. However, after seeing the photographs included in the back of the book, one feels personal sorrow for the multitude of children without homes and fear for Malala as she lays in the hospital, unconscious with bloody bandages around her head.

In conclusion, the “Star Spangled Banner” and Malala’s memoir do, indeed, show that for one’s stance on life to change, one must view the events firsthand or connect to them on a personal level, which is something that cannot be achieved by looking at works of art alone.

2

Explain WHY you chose to write about the Anthem and “Malala.” They are in fact reasonable choices, but a half-asleep reader might think you have deliberately chosen strawmen. I can do it too. No Sandra Bullock film has ever changed my life. It only takes a few words to clarify the difference between your choices and mine, but the absence of even a few words can often weaken an essay.

3

Thank you very much for your response. So you are saying I need to provide more historical background and how it can directly affect a viewer? ie. after photos of Malala were published, a firestorm of donations were sent to Urdu, Malala’s home country?

4

cause one to change their stance
Can’t use “one” and “their” to refer to the same person.

art cannot be classified as a venue by which people’s perspective on life changes.
This is completely and totally NOT what your first few sentences set me up to expect.

The American anthem, “The Star Spangled Banner” by Francis Scott Key
*national anthem
*Key,

Though it is true that the song has inspired countless generations of patriotic Americans, it is difficult to see how this song can change a person’s perspective on life.
…What.
I’d say “inspiring countless generations of patriotic Americans” is pretty damn influential.

The song is rather generic and has little ties with today’s Americans who spend most of their time abuzz on social media.
*few ties
What does social media have to do with patriotism?

As such, the song cannot touch them personally
I am sure you can find someone who has been personally touched by the national anthem. Immigrants who now feel like they’re truly part of America? Soldiers? The President? Not everyone is a social media robot as you seem to be implying. (Who says social media’s so bad anyway? You’re on a discussion site. The Internet is great.)

what Francis Scott Key did during the British Navy’s attack on Yorktown,
Do you mean we should have witnessed what he witnessed, or we should have witnessed what he DID? Because he DID nothing.

This experience would undoubtedly make the viewer consider America as a great and powerful nation, and give him the mentality that he can persevere even at the darkest of times.
Can’t you get that mentality from hearing about something? Can’t you get it from reading a book or watching a movie? Hearing a speech? Is nobody ever affected by ANYTHING because they weren’t there to witness it?

Though she is shot and critically wounded, it is hard to imagine her experience and the hardships the native inhabitants must live through based only on black and white text.
I think that’s more of a failure of the reader to pay attention, rather than anything else.

In conclusion,
Clunky

which is something that cannot be achieved by looking at works of art alone.
Photography is an art. You looked at those photographs and were moved. You weren’t there.
I think you just disproved your own point, which was a weird and hard-to-support point anyway.

5

Ok thank you for that analysis. I assume this would still be an 8 then?

6

I don’t understand the nuances of the rating system – I’ve seen essays that supposedly got a 10 that I didn’t think deserved it. I’d personally say it’s like a 7 or 8, yeah.

7

Yes, something like that. In about that many words, too.