Please Score this Essay

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Im practicing my writing sections pretty throughly for the last few days as its my lowest scoring section. This is my first essay I've written so far, and would greatly appreciate someone scoring it and providing feedback</p>

<p>Prompt: what motivates people to change</p>

<p>There always seems to be those who deride the proliferation of change in society, but this desperation to maintain the status quo only harms our human's capacity towards innovation. Within the various "change" movements throughout history, we can clearly attribute hope, determination, and politics as the main contributing factors that motivate people. The women sufferage movement and the storyline from The Hunger Games both exemplify how these factors significantly impact our motivation towards change.</p>

<p>The women sufferage is a keen example of how people's intrensic motivations towards change can be augmented. The patriarchal nature of society in the 1800s serves to highlight the significant setbacks faced by women in the journey towards sufferage. This profound - perhaps even evolutionary in human nature- change would not have been made possible without the determination of female reformers like Elisabeth Cady Stanton and the hope kindled from the abolitionist movement. Had women realized that their movement would be insignificant and useless, they would have given up. Likewise, the movement would have despated rather quickly. The rise of the Sufferage movement was a result of the Abolitionist movement. As slaves were fighting to be free, women took political advantage and used it as an opportunity to bring forth change. A spark is all it takes to bring forth a revolution. The women sufferage movement highlights the societal change from patriarchal to true-equality for all.</p>

<p>The Hunger Games is a novel by written by Susianne Collins in which people live in an oppressive dystopian nation. The main characters actions in the first (74th hunger games where 24 people fight it out to death) to attempt suicide and break the system kindled a newfound "hope" that one's actions can be proven successful. Immediately after many of the districts in the dystopian nation began to rebel and fight back against the regime. This profound spark has enabled success. </p>

<p>Clearly hope, determination, and politics are the main contributary factors that motivate change as exemplified by the Women Sufferage movement and the storyline from The Hunger Games</p>

2

<p>Good use of vocab. It would probably be at least a 9, probably at least a 10. Although in the future I would try to add a third example if possible and stretch it to 2 full pages if it isn’t already.</p>

3

<p>I can’t choose between a 5 and a 6. Maybe you can decide after I give you my constructive criticism. Good job staying on topic. This is a very broad topic that people tend to digress on. So good job staying focused on your prompt. Good use of vocabulary. There were a few spelling and grammar errors. Try to vary your sentence structure more, elaborate more on your second example, and make it more specific. Other than that, I think you’ll consistently get a 6/6 if you do a few more essays with the same format. Your conclusion was very well done; it was concise and conclusive.</p>

4

<p>Good essay w/ a strong introduction that clearly states thesis. Good vocab use. Also, good job staying on topic.</p>

<p>I would suggest to maybe write a paragraph for each of the three aspects of motivation that you provided: one on hope, one on determination, and one on politics. Also, maybe add an extra sentence in conclusion that leaves impression on reader.</p>

<p>I would give this a 10, maybe a 11.</p>

5

<p>You say this:</p>

<p>Within the various “change” movements throughout history, we can clearly attribute hope, determination, and politics as the main contributing factors that motivate people.</p>

<p>However, I’m not sure that you develop these ideas all that effectively.</p>

<p>For example, the women’s suffrage movement (to my knowledge anyway) wasn’t based in hope. It was a quest for justice and/or equality, a reaction to injustice.</p>

<p>Your Hunger Games paragraph is really just a short plot summary.</p>

<p>Another issue I see is that you often use the big word instead of the right word.</p>