<p>I wrote this essay today while doing a blue book test, and I'm wondering if someone would score it so I could have a good idea of what my writing score would be. Please excuse some of the reused phrases, as it was written in the 25 minute time period :P. Thanks in advance!</p>
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<p>Q: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>
<pre><code> Although avarice is one of the most tantalizing vices of human nature, conscience definitely has the power to overcome it. There are many people in life who live much happier simply helping other people than others who live solely for the reason to make money. If one's purpose in life is only to accumulate wealth, what is one to do once that wealth has been achieved, save pursue an ever greater sum of money? Conscience ruling over greed is seen in both history and our daily lives today.
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<p>As is the nature of human civilization, there will always be a social division between classes. It is inevitable that the competent and fortunate will rise to the top of the social ladder, leaving the rest who cannot keep up to atrophy below them. However, many of these people on the top help out those below, and those who do not are left within a bitter, acrimonious life. Such an example is seen in a prominent historical character: J.P. Morgan. With his new forms of business, Morgan was able to virtually take over the business world in his time period. Becoming overwhelmed with his money, he simply lived to accumulate more. However, when the country's economy began to falter, Morgan's conscience stepped in. Selling bonds to the president, who would then resell them, he single-handedly saved the country. His conscience was able to overcome his greed. Another perfect example of this is Bill Gates. Although he has proven his ability to make capacious amounts of money, he constantly donates to the needy.
Another perfect example of conscience being more of a motivator than money is seen through the medical profession. Although doctors are very well paid, almost all doctors enter the world of medicine not to accumulate wealth, but to provide aid to those who need it. If these people solely desired currency to fill their wallets with, they could have entered the business world with ease.
Overall, both conscience and wealth are frighteningly powerful motivators. Although there certainly are people in the world with the one goal of making money, most work by their conscience. As seen through people like J.P. Morgan, who started out as an avarice-consumed business man, conscience is a much stronger force and has the poewr to change the morals people live by. Even the simple profession of medicine shows just how important conscience is. In conclusion, conscience undoubtedly has teh might to be a more powerful motivator than wealth.</p>
<p>EDIT: I don't know what happened to the formatting, but my paragraphs were ruined.</p>
<p>"a tantalizing vice? live much happier (that whole sentence is awkward), daily lives TODAY?" :P</p>
<p>"If one's purpose in life is only to accumulate wealth, what is one to do once that wealth has been achieved, save pursue an ever greater sum of money?" <- irrelevant sentence to your first paragraph. Move to your conclusion! Or, follow with something like "Instead, conscience often overcomes greed when wealth has been attained" </p>
<p>Overall I give this essay a 6/12.</p>
<p>It's decent, but your repetitive diction and awkward first paragraph bring down the score.</p>
<p>Damn, that low of a score? I guess that's not awful considering it was my first SAT essay ever, but that really brings down the 2290/2400 I would have had :P.</p>
<p>hey ill be honest with you here- i am a good writer, seriously, and i took the sat twice
the first time i got 790Math 760CR and 660Writing. This was really annoying since writing is kind of the least important but it lowered my overall score.
that time i got an 8/12 on the essay</p>
<p>take 2: i went all the way up to a 770 on the writing section and still only got a 9/12 on the essay</p>
<p>so yeah, the essay is basically not important at all, and not reflective of ones ability to write. what is hard about the writing section is that the final 10 minutes of the SAT, which involves 'sentence correction' questions, makes up a large part of the overall writing score. after 4 hours of testing hard its hard to concentrate. you just want to get out. lol. </p>
<p>my point being, you shouldnt worry about the essay, but rather brush up on the stupid grammar rules/patterns the SATwriters use for sentence correction and dont get sloppy in those last 10 minutes</p>
<p>btw, neither my 8/12 nor my 9/12 affected the overal writing score- it remained as whatever the other subsection score came out to</p>
<p>That's rather a bad build up. :\
I refuse to grade someone else's work (maybe because all my good essays over pass way more than 25 minutes.) but I'll give you advice. When I'm able to type it all up and/or find a picture of what I'm looking for, I'll post it up.</p>
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Damn, that low of a score? I guess that's not awful considering it was my first SAT essay ever, but that really brings down the 2290/2400 I would have had :P.
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<p>It's definitely better than my first SAT essay :P</p>
<p>I only gave it a 6 because it was a lot worse than the 7 essay I wrote (although I honestly did not think I would get a 7 on that particular essay).</p>
<p>For next time; don't overload the vocab, expand your examples a bit more, and make your intro more concise! if you want more help feel free to PM me :)</p>
<p>I like it! I personally would give it a 5 or a 6 for its intellectual examples from late 19th century entrepeneurships, moral discussions, and strong vocabulary. However, the collegeboard and I do not see eye to eye. If you're looking for a third party assessment to predict your score, I would guess you'll get a 3 or a 4. The harsh reality is that this essay, though blooming with excellent content falls short because of its length, one of the key factors essay graders look for. To achieve higher, I would be more direct in some instances and just word bomb the hell out of each paragraph. Since you mentioned Bill Gates, go ahead and elaborate. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you probably filled up around 1 1/4 of a page? No doubt you have beastly writing skills. Just play the SAT game to win.</p>