My oldest is only a junior so this is our first time going through the admissions process and sending a child away from home.
I have many great memories from college - dating my husband, making lifelong friends, studying abroad, and learning interesting things. But when I think about sending my child away, I am just filled with worry!
It would be really encouraging to hear from those of you whose kids had a great experience and are doing interesting things post graduation. What do you think helped them have a great experience? What were the keys to success?
Most kids thrive where they are planted and do well. Horror stories and extremely poor life choices are news. The avg success stories are not news worthy. Know your student, help him filter though options that suit his and your family’s needs, and tune everyone/everything else out.
Good high school preparation helps a lot, and so does taking school and college seriously. If you’ve cultivated the attitude in your family that school is to be taken seriously, you’re halfway there already.
I think it also helps not to push kids into things they are not comfortable with. The transition to college is a big change regardless. If they want to do things to make it a little less intimidating, I would let them. My son did not want to go far from home; we respected that, and he ended up having a good experience at a university less than an hour away. My daughter did not want to tackle the complexities of living with a roommate the first year. Her school had singles available for freshmen at an extra charge, and she was willing to pay the extra cost out of her own savings. We allowed it. Some people might say, “Don’t let your kids be such wimps,” but these things helped them adjust, and they were temporary. My son moved to the other side of the country – confidently and happily – after graduation. My daughter lived successfully with a random roommate as a sophomore and later in a shared apartment. But they needed these little bits of comfort and security as freshmen.
My D is now a sophomore at college and is very happy. That was not the case when she arrived on campus in August 2016. She had been eager to go to college five hours away, and the school was a top choice. It’s fair to say that she was very unhappy for several months, which was awful for her and us, too. But she had to get through it, and she did. She had to figure out a way for a shy, quiet girl like herself to make new friends and be comfortable. She has matured a lot and is soooo much more confident than when she first went.
It’s a big transition for you at home too. Don’t do what I did, by inadvertently pointing out that she would be leaving soon and trying spend a lot of quality time together. You will find it tough at first, but they have a lot of breaks. And then you will be happy they are at college because they are becoming the adults they are meant to be. You will be happy that your child is happy. Expect a few rough months maybe, but you will all get through it. If things get rocky, think of the end goal and know that it will get better.
Please do a search on this forum. CC is FILLED with lots of great stories, great experiences, great outcomes. It sounds like you are asking 2 separate questions: (1) What positive experiences did your kids. have in/post college (regardless of whether they went to schools across the country or across town) and (2) How do I get over my fear of letting my kid go to college far from home? If I were you, I’d focus on the second question, because kids can have great experiences at its of schools, but your discomfort with letting them fly the nest is a tough one for you (and many parents). Look for those threads here too. They will be helpful. Good luck!
Oh, and FWIW, my s’s both went to school a plane ride away, and now work across country in silicon valley. They are happy, so I am as well. Do I wish they were closer? Sure. But their happiness and success is my happiness.
D2 was a good kid but more than difficult in her jr and sr hs years, then struggled in the first two years of college. That included a midnight run to meet her, ahem, in the emergency room.
If anything, we were consistent in our parenting, as well as the loving and usual support. And fun times as well as letting her learn about herself. And she did.
She did graduate, is now loving her work in a compassionate field, hard work but fulfilling. There were some job bumps, but she persisted through. I marvel at her strength and goodness. Perfect? No. She’s still in what is now called the long phase of “emerging young adult.” But it’s nice when parents see their kid has the goods, has a chance. My fingers are crossed.
For every success story there are two stories of kids (and parents) who experienced bumps along the way. My advice: always in the back of your mind be prepared for bumps. And rejoice when they don’t happen. Love the kid you have. Guide & encourage, but don’t force or lead. Allow them – within reason – to make their own mistakes. Just like falling and bumping their heads when they were learning to walk, mistakes are part of the learning process.
I would say make sure you develop a “feel criteria” and don’t force square pegs in round holes. Remember this is about your child, not you. It doesn’t really matter where you would want to go or what you think is better (assuming financials are equivalent). My S just finished his first semester and has had a great experience (other than being sick half the time - get used to that one). He certainly checked all the academic boxes in his selection process, but after that it was almost entirely about feel (size, local, school spirit, sports, type of campus, focus on undergrad, etc.) Once he made the choice he never looked back. He’s told me that within his friend group, everyone basically did the same thing and they all love it. Some took a little longer to get there (homesick, etc.). But once they were comfortable, they love their environment. I think much of that is attributed to the search criteria which set them up for success.
My father always thought of my sister as a failure because she didn’t complete her college graduation requirements in 8 semesters. She needed to take an extra summer session after her 8th semester, and therefore she graduated in August.
She went on to have a fine career and an interesting life – which included obtaining a graduate degree along the way. But to her dad, she was always second-rate because she didn’t finish college “properly.”
Please don’t fall into this trap. Bumps along the way don’t make people failures. They simply show that people are human. Nobody’s life runs smoothly all the time.
One also needs to define success. Success meeting goals set when a kid was still a child? Happiness, fulfilling career, high educational (eg PhD) attainment? Financially self supporting and enjoying life? Spouse and kids?
Originally we thought globally gifted kid would get a PhD (not MD like parents since he had no interest in that). We were disappointed when after overreaching for math grad schools he decided not to reapply but added computer science and got a job. His first job at a major player in its field honed ho weak programming skills (hired for his thinking, math a great benefit). Was recruited by a top company and is happy in his city and with his intellectually satisfying work. has stated no need for a CS MS- he does self teach so it is believable. Know math PhDs with elite credentials not finding satisfactory jobs.
I recall a college friend eons ago who was also more gifted than I was who managed to need the summer after going through graduation to finish her requirements. She was a chemistry major who then did a CS masters. Being gifted does mean needing to get top degrees I have learned.
Social success? Not in our family- parents and kid atypical there. Athletic- not major league. I could go on and on convincing you (and myself) kid is either successful or a failure. He lives where he wants to, has a high paying intellectually satisfying job. What more should we hope for? Grandchildren? My mother died before any grandchildren were born.
Spend the next year cultivating in your kid the skill of self advocacy so that approaching profs or career services won’t be intimidating. Self advocacy is good too for navigating sharing a room and dorm life.