<p>Let’s begin by looking at the development of ideas in your essay. And your first paragraph or topic sentence is clear. “Learning from others is more efficient than learning on our own.”</p>
<p>Your first idea is that we evaluate ourselves more accurately when we learn from others. Your second ideas suggests that some people are too egotistical to listen to others. These egotistical people cannot see their own mistakes.</p>
<p>Your second paragraph suggests that many people overlook sources of help. You give the example of a teacher as a guide. The rest of the paragraph discusses why teachers can be good guides. You suggest an idea when you use the words “straightforward path”, but I think you missed the chance to develop that idea a little more completely. You tell us that teachers have connections that can be useful and that if you can find a teacher who is experienced in the area in which you are specifically interested, that teacher will know what you need to do to succeed in that area. Finally you assert that the experience of the teacher is superior to the books or self-study resources that may be available, but you do not specifically tell why.</p>
<p>In general this is a very good paragraph that is well developed. The “straightforward path” idea suggests that the teacher might be able to save you a lot of time and effort that you might otherwise expend wandering ignorantly down dead-end paths. But even without that idea clearly stated, your paragraph has a clear main idea, a clear example of that idea, two points that are contained within that example that support your idea, and a final supporting idea that’s not completely developed.</p>
<p>This is an example of what test raters refer to as “layered” development. In this case the paragraph has three layers: the main idea, the example, and the two specific points that tie the example back to the main idea. If you had developed the straightforward path idea as something separate and if you had supported the final idea about the experience of the teacher being superior to self-study, then you would have had four specific points to tie the example back to the main idea.</p>
<p>Now let’s look at your third paragraph. The main idea of this paragraph is “learning from others can be hard for a lot of people because they have big egos.” You develop this idea with the example from the film “Karate Kid”. The rest of the paragraph gives a description of how the main character misunderstood the purpose of his teacher until he later realized what that purpose was. There’s nothing to specifically say that the young man’s mistake was due to his ego, but rather to his doubt of his teacher’s methods. The first sentence of your closing paragraph amplifies this idea just a bit by suggesting that rather than doubt the teacher’s judgment, the student should have doubted his own. So altogether you have a main idea about ego, an example of a movie that illustrates that idea, and a reason that ties the example to the main idea: that ego causes you to doubt others whom you shouldn’t doubt and to fail to doubt yourself when you should.</p>
<p>When you use an example, your analysis of that example should point out features of the example that are reasons or arguments or facts that apply to the main idea. If all an example is going to do is to say “here is one occasion where my main idea was true”, then it should be mentioned in a word or a phrase and not consume the space of an entire paragraph without adding more specific argument in support of the main idea. I mention this as a warning. Very often when students use an example of a movie or that they’ve seen or a book that they’ve read, they will write an entire paragraph of plot summary without ever really analyzing what happens to further develop multiple ideas that can expand and explain the main idea the example is supposed to support. (As far as I’m concerned, you didn’t do that. I just want you to be aware of the danger.)</p>
<p>All of this is to explain what you did well. There are errors that appear here that seemed to be typos. There are others that are clearly not. “While some people completely deny the existence of others since they think that individuality is more important than relying on others.” This is not a very well-phrased idea. The next two sentences are much more direct and clear, although we would say “realize their own mistakes.” Also of the phrase “take for granted” is close but not quite exactly what you want to say. “Take for granted” means that you are aware of something, that you use it, but that you do not appreciate it. The words “unaware” or “heedless” suggests that something is there, but that you do not realize it, and of course you can always simply say, “many people do not realize what resources that have around them”. </p>
<p>Another error occurs when you write, “if you were striving for a dental future”. In American usage that would be, “if you were striving for a future in dentistry”, or “if you were striving for a dental career”. Also the phrase “that teacher” is not specific enough to say what you’re trying to say. “A teacher who specializes in that field” is more appropriate. Likewise, “possesses the ways to succeed and study” would be expressed as “knows” or “understands the best ways to study and succeed.” (One studies first, success follows.)</p>
<p>There are other examples of similar errors but this is enough for now. Altogether, this was not a bad essay. Work on your English and keep reading. By the time you take the SAT, you’ll be writing good essays.</p>
<p>4/6</p>