<p>My son's best friend will be attending the elite private day school this fall that his sister already attends. Our local public schools are very highly ranked, some of the top in the state, which is why we have never considered private school for our kids. Although I'm sure that the private school gives students an edge when it comes to college admissions, on average, my son is an outstanding student and we think he'll be able to get into a great college straight out of the public school. In fact, he and his friend have always been two of the top students in school together since early childhood.</p>
<p>Yesterday, my son told me that his friend (who admittedly does act like a jerk sometimes) has been teasing him about going to the public school, He claims that his private school is far superior and that even an average student there is better than a so-called top student at the public school and will get into a much better college. I told my son that his friend feels a need to say this in order to feel important, and that the best thing my son could do was to excel in his own studies and get into a great college just like he wants to. Obviously this kid is insecure or just a braggart and is blowing off steam.</p>
<p>But these comments disturb me. I wish there were some way to let this kid's mother, who is a close friend of mine, know how her son is acting. It's in terribly bad taste, and in any case his claims aren't true. Anyone encounter this before?</p>
<p>Say nothing. Ignore the kid. If you say something to his mom this will just cause friction all around and make you look overly sensitive, imo. If the kid goes to a different school, he and your son will probably not be “best friends” much longer. People who send their kids to elite privates when they live in top public districts will have to justify that big expense somehow. (Telling themselves they’ll have college admissions advantages, telling themselves that the public school kids aren’t as smart, etc. etc.) So what? If you’re happy with your kid’s public school, just think of all the money you’ll be saving while your son is still getting a high quality education.</p>
<p>I would ignore it. My nephew went through a phase (hopefully lapsed now) where he was insufferably arrogant. I did my best to smile and nod and not get involved in trying to combat (read that “parent”) his attitude. </p>
<p>I think a lot of this is about justifying his family’s decision to send him to private school. People always need to know their choices are valid, especially when those choices are different from the ones the people around them are making. </p>
<p>We were in a similar situation when we chose not to send our kids to our town’s excellent public high school in favor of a less regarded private school that was a better fit. At every neighborhood gathering, people who were puzzled by our choice would say things like “You know you’re really missing out on XYZ program,” etc. We just replied that our choice was what we thought best for our kids. Your son can do pretty much the same thing by telling this kid that everyone has a different idea about what is best for them and that he is fortunate to have options.</p>
<p>The kid is an obnoxious blowhard. Just ignore it. In a couple of years they will all be going their separate ways and none of this will matter.</p>
<p>My son has a friend who trash-talked everyone else’s college choices under the assumption that he would have his pick of the elite schools he was sure he was destined for. When he got rejected from all of them–and then his plan B schools–no one felt sorry for him. His arrogance did him a huge disservice in the sympathy department. And today he is miserable at his plan C school. :(</p>
<p>Ignore the kid. Let him walk around arrogantly saying things that are false. That pride is strong enough to keep him out of a good school, so you will have the last laugh in the end.</p>
<p>The irony is that this kid is in effect saying that HE will be just average at best at the private school. Maybe what your son should do is adopt a concerned expression and say, “I’m sorry…it must worry you. How do you think you are going to handle being in the middle of the class?” :)</p>
<p>With the savings, buy your child a nice car for his 16th birthday, and let him give rides to his envious friends. </p>
<p>This said, while true, the comment “People always need to know their choices are valid, especially when those choices are different from the ones the people around them are making.” also applies to families in areas where the common path is one that includes sending children to private schools. The (fewer) parents who send their kids to public schools also feel the need to justify their choices and deride the irrational spending of their friends and family. </p>
<p>When my daughter was growing up she participated in various activities where she would be with a mix of students from different schools, both public and private. Unfortunately, it wasn’t unusual to encounter private-school kids who put on airs or acted snobbish. I don’t know how common it is overall for kids to act that way, but obviously the kids who behaved so rudely were not representing their schools or upbringing well, and their behavior probably helped give rise to stereotypes that my daughter formed about “private school kids.” (I’d note that from my own observation, I only saw that sort of behavior/attitude among kids who went to secular private prep schools and academies). </p>
<p>It is one reason I never seriously considered sending my kids to private schools (not that I could afford the tuition anyway). I did tour a private school for gifted children once, because I was interested in seeing what they offered as compared to the public school, but on the tour I heard teacher givings students very overt messages to reinforce the idea that they were gifted and smarter than children who went to other schools So to me that was a turnoff — I’m mentioning it here because I can see how kids like your son’s friend are being fed messages that support their arrogant and disrespectful attitudes. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine having a close friend and not discussing it. Assuming that the parent doesn’t share the same attitude, it’s one of those teachable moments for the kid where the parent can choose to model a different attitude and help the kid become a better person. It’s really too early to write him off. Not to be too dramatic about it when you talk, have a light touch if you like.</p>
<p>lauriejgs you can tell your son a funny story that my daughter’s best friend from Jr high school went to a very competitive public school while mine went away to a boarding school and they were both accepted to a particular top college that appeals to a certain kind of student, without having consulted each other–still had the same quirks and still had opportunities. (For the record I let my kid go to boarding school because she had a scholarship and was going to be able to get opportunities and get mentored in ways that I couldn’t have provided. The kids for the most part were really great, sure there are special cases, but her friends were down to earth.)</p>
<p>I agree with the part that this isn’t something for the parent to deal with at the outset. This is something that first needs to be settled between your son and the snobby private school kid. </p>
<p>Involving parents…especially mothers at this stage of the dispute for a high schooler is not only going to result in the above, but also possibly cause your son’s respect among his peers, especially male ones to drop like a rock unless there’s been an escalation beyond this initial point. </p>
<p>As for ignoring, that can be tried, but it’s not always going to work contrary to the belief of many parents who had little/no experience with this type of one upsmanship among teens or forgotten what it was like when they were that age. </p>
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<p>This sounds very similar to what happened to some well-off college classmates who made snobby assumptions about me and a few other FA/scholarship students because we attended urban public schools. </p>
<p>Ended up not having to say anything as the resulting grades…especially final grades and several being placed on academic probation or them going on academic suspension or later, being asked to leave showed them up while us FA/scholarship students from urban public schools breezed along academically. </p>
<p>Two best friend boys and two very good friend moms…whether to tell the other mom or not really depends on each of your 4 relationships. I would have to say almost always will be a bad idea to tell the other mom.
Moms are protective of their kids and usually will side with the kid
Your son might get the reputation of being a tattletale
It will start coming down to a case of who really said what</p>
<p>A true story: Two women were best friends for 16 years and their sons were kind of friends. They went on a week long vacation together. One of the boys has been fairly bratty and self centered his whole life, which we all just ignore. Near the end of the vacation, woman 2 took woman 1 aside and basically was trying to point out the various bratty things that woman 1 kid did during the vacation in an effort to open up woman 1’s eyes. Well, the two women are no longer friends. This is after 16 years of being best friends.</p>
<p>These are delicate situations. Many many years ago when our kds were in maybe middle school, a friend, whose son is friends with my son, called to claim that her son told her that mine had shown him something inappropriate on the computer. This was apparently his explanation when she caught him on an inappropriate site on their computer. She claimed to be calling out of concern for me but also to complain that her son had supposedly been “led astray” by ours. Ours flatly denied this and in fact said it was the other way around- that her son was into inappropriate stuff on the web.</p>
<p>Sadly, her son was known to be dishonest and I personally watched him steal candy from our halloween candy supply, put it in his pocket and lie to me straight to my face when we asked him to wait til the end of the evening when trick or treating was over to take extra candy. That styory I had never shared with his mom. I thanked her for her concernand let it go, although she was at the time admonishing me for supposedly not supervising their computer time when apparently the opposite was true. Fast forward. Sandly her son had had lots of difficulties as a teen and young adult, the details of which are not appropriate to share. ANd although we arre still good friends, I will not forget the false accusation she made of me and my son. </p>