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Celebrate the removal of a rival in the gpa/rank arms race!</p>
<p>Wow- apologies for all the typos made on the ipad in the post above!</p>
<p>And LOL CTTC. Good point! :)</p>
<p>I remember an incident where my child came home concerned about a classmate’s behavior. I remember thinking it would be helpful to inform the mother. It didn’t go very well. The result was her defending her child and getting angry. That child continued to alienate peers. I learned that not all parents would respond positively to my reporting their child’s behavior. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t hesitate to tell a parent about behaviors that might be harmful to a child or others, or illegal activity no matter how they reacted, because I would act in the interest of the child and others. However, these kind of interchanges between kids, I just stayed out of, because they have natural consequences that the kids will (or won’t) learn. The OP’s son might learn that he just doesn’t enjoy this friend’s company, that he doesn’t like to be around people who tease him, or put him down. The braggart might alienate all his public school friends. He might also learn that this isn’t a good thing to do if you want to keep your friends.</p>
<p>The changing of schools is also a natural division for both these boys- and possibly their mothers. Some of my kids’ friendships did not last after changing schools. These are life lessons as kids learn how to be friends and what qualities they want in a friend. Outside of this circle, they can have acquaintances and still be polite, but they don’t have to put themselves in the company of braggarts if it bothers them.</p>
<p>The tough part is validating the veracity of what the child is reporting before contacting the other parent. In our case, her s made up a lie and used my s as his scapegoat when he was caught red-handed. When she called me, I handled it graciously, told her I would talk to my s and get back to her. Of course my s’s story didn’t jibe with hers, and she insinuated that it was my son being dishonest. I didn’t appreciate that, but kept quiet.</p>
<p>I cant recall if her son stealing the halloween candy and lying to my face about it was before or after this incident, but I think it was before (not for sure on that). Regardless, I didn’t tell her about it because it didn’t seem all that important, but it unfortunately was part of his overall difficulties. She has had her hands full with both of her kids, and I feel badly for her. As I said, we are still friends, but there is something about someone saying something about one’s kid that never gets forgotten.</p>
<p>I’d encourage your son to speak up. If you hear the other kid trash-talking, I’d encourage you to say something. “Hey are you trying to make us all feel bad? Private school X is a great school, but we think public school Y also provides a good education.” I’d be very cautious about saying something to the mom. If you are good enough friends perhaps something like “I know your son is really excited by his new school, but maybe he could tone it down a bit as my son feels bad when he hears about how wonderful it is.”</p>
<p>What I find amusing is that the statement by the private school boy, that the lowest private school student is better than the average at the public school, that the private school will provide more opportunities, that basically the education is superior in every way reminds me of something - oh yes, all the parents (and students) on CC that argue that LACs or Ivies are always superior to state flagships, that their child doesn’t want to be in classes with the dumb jocks or frat boys, that every class at the private school is going to be a moving and stimulating discussion of the wonders of the world.</p>
<p>There will always be people who think they have a better situation. In fact, the private school might be a better situation. It probably does afford many students a bump that they need to go to college at all, and many will go to top colleges. My kids went to a private school for 9th grade, and have since gone to two public schools. Both publics were in middle class to upper middle class districts. At the private school, 100% of the students go to college or other meaningful adventures (usually Mission trips, one went to play jr pro hockey). Public schools? About a 70% college rate, some military, many going to keep working in their high school jobs. The biggest difference I noticed was in the guidance office and how the private school made sure they were signed up for SATs and taking (for free) practice tests, following up on visits and interviews.</p>
<p>Mr. Private school shouldn’t put down the public school, but that’s his choice. Many people like to brag about their schools and really do feel they are superior. Some of those people are on CC.</p>
<p>Best response - “Whatever”.</p>
<p>Private schools have a product to sell. Public school funding does not rely on parents paying. I would say most parents aren’t going to pay for something that they don’t have to pay out of pocket for, unless they believe that product is superior. </p>
<p>Some private schools truly are superior, and some, perhaps, are more sales pitch, prestige, than reality. But I would suspect that all parents of kids in private school have to believe it is better, or they wouldn’t buy into it. In order to keep parents paying, the school must also sell the superiority of their product to them.</p>
<p>This child may be repeating what he heard at home, and also from the school. Consider the possibility that when he found out his parents were enrolling him, he pitched a fit because he didn’t want to leave his friends at his school. His parents made the decision that they thought was best for him, and they probably told him that they did this because they believed the private school was better.</p>
<p>What I have seen is that, although private school may have some advantages, is that a distinct group of kids in any school situation excel no matter what. There are some truly outstanding students in our local private and public schools. Private schools may send a higher percentage of kids to top colleges because they are able to select applicants at admission. Public schools admit- and educate- a wide range of kids but it remains that achievement is a combination of ability and hard work, and this is possible in both settings. </p>
<p>I’m in the camp of letting it roll off your back. I’m assuming the kids involved are 8-9th grade-ish in age.</p>
<p>What you can’t be sure of is whether the private school bragging is unsolicited or a defensive response to comments from the kids. What you can be sure of, as others have noted, is that parents don’t like to have their kid’s childishness pointed out to them, as thought they’re not doing their job correctly. </p>
<p>When my one child was in junior high some years ago, their locker was searched because some parent had called in to “report” some comment that was supposedly made to their child that they perceived as a threat to the school. I concluded that the call had to have come from one of two people, based on who we had been around over the preceding days, and it fit with that person’s reputation. That was the end of contact with that family. (It didn’t fall into a pattern for my child, either. It was a singular, isolated incident, and nothing like it ever happened before or since.) </p>
<p>In any case, I don’t know how this could be put to the parent in any terms that don’t translate directly into “you’re kid is an ***, (and maybe you are, too.)” You could try to come up with the words, but I don’t think they exist. </p>
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S attended a private hs and D attended the highly-rated public one. For various reasons we felt it was the best choice for him to attend the private school, and we never regretted that decision. I consider that “doing what we thought best” rather than “justifying that big expense somehow” but, hey, whatever. Smile and nod.</p>
<p>I agree with sylvan that parents choose private school because they believe it is best for their child. That “best” could be a number of reasons- the school is better, or that child does better with a small classroom. Some parents choose a religious school. There could be a number of reasons.</p>
<p>A child who is switching schools is probably going to ask why, and might be scared and ambivalent about the change. A likely explanation from parents is that they think it is for the best, but it’s hard to know how a child is going to interpret that when he tells his friends, and they are likely going to ask him why as well. </p>
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<p>Agree, we see the same thing on these forums (from both students and parents with respect to colleges), so it is not like the referenced kid going to the private school is in any way unique.</p>
<p>I think you gave your son the answer he needed to hear. I would not recommend raising the issue with his mother, because it’s not appropriate for adults to get in a fight over 8th grade conversations.</p>
<p>The chances are very high that both boys will end up at the same, or very similar, colleges, if they are neck-and-neck academically. If the other parents have a child at the elite private day school, they may well have access to Naviance, in which case they know how well (or poorly) that school fares in college admissions.</p>
<p>The school may do very well, but individual students may not. Your son’s friend may well go from being a big fish in a small pond to being a small fish in a big pond. His class rank may be significantly lower in a school which practices selective admissions. </p>
<p>For all you know, your son’s friend might return to the public system in the future, at which point his parents will happily declare the public system to be superior. At this point, however, they are spending from $40,000 to $80,000 to send their children to the private school. I doubt they would agree their son’s claims aren’t true; I suspect he’s repeating private family conversations.</p>
<p>People believe what they need to believe. You can be annoyed that the kid is being a brat and perhaps your son will re-evaluate his friendship with him but it shouldn’t disturb you… unless YOU, on some level worry that it’s true. He’s a kid… a teenage boy in the height of his insecurities. He’s probably not all that thrilled to leave all his friends and heading to the private school with his sister. If he needs to think it’s better right now to cope with the transition and likely the fear that he won’t be good enough then I say just smile and say “good for you.” If it doesn’t wear off… let him go.</p>
<p>In our area, there is no question that the elite private schools in our area send more kids to the Ivy league. They just do. Does that make them better schools? No. Were they the right fit for my kid? No. Were they the right fit for our family? No. Do people make us feel bad about our choices? No. Both my kids have needed flexible educations and thank goodness we’ve never had to pay for their needs to be met (drive all over for maybe but not pay.) We know many, many kids in private schools. Many for really good reasons. Some so expensive that college actually ended up cheaper for the families. No one has ever made us feel less because of it. Sure, I’ve encountered a few people who have tried (no friends.) However, once they meet my kids, they usually drop the topic of schooling all together.</p>
<p>I would caution the OP that unless she heard the entire conversation, she really doesn’t know exactly what was said or if there was some context to it. I would not involve the other boy’s mother at this point. As long as you’re happy with the choice you made for your son, that’s all that should matter. The other boy’s family is obviously familiar with the private school and have made what they feel is the best choice for their kid. I also live in a school district that is supposed to be “one of the best in the state.” However, it was clear pretty early on that it was not going to work for my kids, so we made the choice to go to private school. It’s not a choice a lot of people here make and sometimes I do get snide remarks about my choice. As others have said, just smile and nod and tell your kid to do the same. If the other boy is really that obnoxious, chances are the friendship won’t survive the school transfer anyway. </p>
<p>A lot of you are nicer than me. I would probably tell my kid to say, “Well, yes, I understand that some students need to go to private schools to buff up their academic credentials.”</p>
<p>One thing to consider - kids model their behavior - and opinions - after their parents. We see it here on CC. Counsel your son to deflect or ignore the remarks. I would NOT go to the mother - someone is paying for the boy’s private school tuition; someone made this decision and I don’t think it’s the boy. So, you may just run in parent version (especially since you say the boy’s older sister already attends the private school).</p>
<p>In any case, what this family thinks about their children’s education really has no impact on you or your children. If you like your son’s school, then all is good. Don’t get sucked into that game of what’s “better”. T</p>
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<p>One retort I have used toward a male private school snob at my college was along the lines “Glad to see someone’s happy about their finishing school experience.”</p>
<p>Disclosure: I have many friends and extended family relatives who are private school alums with whom I get along with…and would never put down their formative educational experiences unless they start doing so with mine…or we’re all doing it as a form of in-group ribbing in good fun. :)</p>
<p>This thread made me remember a time when my I was privy to a lot of talk about public vs private among both kids and their parents. There was much in the way of assumption about <em>any</em> private being better than <em>any</em> public on the part of the parents who had been brought up in will-to-do urban families where private was assumed. None of those involved had ever experienced a <em>good</em> public school system. It was tiresome in the extreme. I voiced my opinion to kids and adults when it came up in front of me, but I would NEVER have gone to one of the mothers to tell them that their kids were making disparaging remarks. Dangerous behavior or talk of suicide or the like can be reported, but that’s it.</p>
<p>I really think that you need to let nature take its course. You don’t know whether other kids have not been saying to this boy, “What, you think you are too god for us?” or “Leaving because X is better than you at Y?” or whatever. Maybe he just is a jerk. It will all come out in the wash, and your S can chose whether or not to be friends with him as time passes.</p>
<p>You can also choose whether to be friends with the mother. If she starts disparaging your school and it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell her so. But no need to disrupt your friendship in anticipation.</p>
<p>I have two sons who have graduated from a private secondary school. I have to advise the OP to “believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.” My sons heard a lot of trash talk regarding our decision to send them to private schools, and so it’s entirely plausible that your son’s friend was on the defensive. These also could be the arguments his parents used to persuade him to leave his existing community of friends. I have to say that very few families take the decision to invest that much money lightly, and we all have our reasons. I remained close with a number of my childhood friends after I went away to boarding school. My sons have not retained many such friendships. Our town is very insular, which is one of the reasons I thought they could both benefit from going away.</p>