Problem with a friend

Parents Forum
1

<p>Dear parents,</p>

<p>I study at a top school. I am very goal-focused. I planned things from the very beginning, and right now I am finding myself in a comfortable spot academically. I participate in a variety of activities and am quite busy. However, I have few friends. At the same time, I feel much more secure than my peers when it comes to academics and activities, and that is why I came to college. </p>

<p>My roommate has a problem. Roommate is my closest friend on campus and a similar personality. We roomed together last semester as well after roommate had a bad experience with first pairing and I stepped in. It worked very well. </p>

<p>Roommate has no idea what to do with life; not only no idea about major, but cannot make minor decisions without guidance or affirmation. Both of us are introverted, but I have improved significantly and feel myself becoming an adult. Roommate and constantly asks me for advice on just about everything - completely major and completely minor. While I enjoy helping out, I am very worried for roommate's future. Roommate is absolutely terrified of all new situations to an abnormal degree (as another shy person, I should know). At this point, people have to choose majors and roommate's choices fluctuate every minute, much less every day. I have suggested utilizing help on campus, roommate agrees but either does not or dismisses the guidance as incompetent. Roommate has no prior experience in any job at all and has no idea how to interact professionally. Has one talent/hobby but does not see the talent because of low self-esteem, and thus does not join clubs or develop it past self-work. I try to help roommate as much as I can and however I can, but I am having difficulty. </p>

<p>Roommate's family is very, very far away and from what I understand are not being helpful about indicisiveness; however, keep very close contact with roommate and help make minor decisions. Last year roommate went to psychological services after a few breakdowns, but stopped as they were unhelpful (threw medication at roommate which made things worse) and I do not think the family knows about this. Has strong emotional ups and downs. Very low self-esteem and spends many hours online.</p>

<p>Roommate does have a close group of friends, which I do not have. Is unwilling to meet new people and prefers being alone. We enjoy spending time together but do not hang out in a group because I do not share the same group of friends. I do not have a close group of friends and I too am a pessimistic personality that is often alone, but I have learned to manage my emotions in light of my academic and extracurricular business here. </p>

<p>We are close and discuss these issues, but I have no knowledge about how to make roommate feel better or what my role should be. </p>

<p>Please help if you can.</p>

2

<p>As much as you'd like to, you can't fix your roommate's life. You can, though, take even more advantage of the resources on campus for yourself. </p>

<p>Since you have few friends, you may find the counseling center helpful because you could get help there in social skills and overcoming your shyness. You also could use the career center to get counseling and assistance in getting internships, interviewing skills, etc.</p>

<p>Perhaps your roommate will follow your example, perhaps not. </p>

<p>My thoughts are that it seems that since you're more involved in the college and have more confidence in yourself, you probably are outgrowing your roommate, who seems miserable, overly dependant and unwilling to get help. </p>

<p>My advice to you is to do your best to find a better rooming situation next year. Feeling sorry for someone is not a reason to room with them. Your roommate seems like an anchor around your neck.</p>

<p>You are not responsible for fixing your roommate's lack of confidence and other concerns. If your roommate seems to be suicidal or has behavior that seems a danger to themselves, then your responsibility is to let the resident advisor and/or dean of students know. You are not, however, responsible for fixing the problems in your roommate's life or for rooming next year with someone who seems to be more of a burden than a friend.</p>

<p>You are responsible for taking care of your own problems. If your pessimism and lack of having many friends are things that concern you, use the college's resources to develop skills to change your situation. College may be the best time in your life to get this kind of assistance. </p>

<p>Your roommate's description of the school's counseling and career resources may not be accurate. People who are depressed can have very distorted views of mental health assistance that they were offered.</p>

<p>For all you know, your roommate did not speak up about their problems or follow-up when the medication did not work. Often the best treatment for depression is medication plus therapy, however one has to give feedback to the therapist/doctor about how the medication is working and one has to continue using counseling, not give up quickly. </p>

<p>The roommate probably has a distorted view of their family, too. After all, the family can't do much to help them since the family is not on site. </p>

<p>From your description, your roommate may be acting as if you're the only person who can help them, but that's not realistic. You are only a student, not a therapist or doctor. The roommate needs to use the school's counseling services, and if those services don't meet roommate's needs, the roommate needs to seek professional help off campus.</p>

<p>IMO the best thing that you can do for your roommate is to let your roommate know that while you like them, you can't be their therapist. The best thing that you can do for you is to use the counseling/career services to improve your own life, and find someone else to room with next year who'll be a friend, not a burden.</p>

3

<p>I agree with Northstarmom---you can not be a therapist. You need to move on with your own life. But your roommate needs help, and if that includes medication from a doctor, so be it. From personal experience, medical help may be the answer.</p>

4

<p>Perhaps I didn't make it as clear as I meant to, but roommate is not a burden. Roommate is actually a very good friend to me and cares about what's happening in my life. Some of this was going on last year under my nose, and I had no idea until recently. </p>

<p>Roommate is very valued in their group of friends, a good person, and a very good ROOMMATE. I am not so much "therapist" as I am concerned about how I should speak to roommate without sounding patronizing, and also how should I react if roomate is in one of the "downs". Part of the problem is that the school is completely wrong for roommate's interests and roommate is not doing well in classes. Refuses to take advantage of resources such as advisors, etc. </p>

<p>Roommate is close with family and spends a long time on the phone but often comes back upset. I am just concerned about how I should react when these things come up. </p>

<p>We have very similar living styles and I could actually not ask for a better person to live with. As I am going away next year, we won't be living together again, but I wanted to clarify that it's certainly not a "burden".</p>

5

<p>You described yourself as being solitary and goal oriented. Could it be that your roommate's lack of focus bothers you more than it bothers her? I'd stay out of it if I were you, especially if there are mental health issues.</p>

6

<p>One of my friends was very similar to this last year, but has improved somewhat this year. See if you can figure out one main stressor (something that could remove them from the school, something threatening her family as she knows it, etc.). When my friend was having these down times, it was because she was attempting to earn one of the few scholarships for students that did not get a scholarship on entering and was fluctuating dangerously close to not making the GPA requirement (and she wasn't able to find something she was passionate about enough to major in...school is somewhat more engineering oriented and she was looking at liberal arts majors and disappointed with the quality of the programs)...she was often worse after getting off the phone with her parents because they constantly reminded her that she would have to change schools if she didn't get the scholarship. If you can figure out this one thing that is huge to your roommate (just by talking with them, not trying to dig past anything they don't want to tell you), you just might be able to give a few key pointers that point them in the right direction. Once my friend felt that her chance at getting the scholarship was secure, she stopped having crying breakdowns 3 times a week, stopped asking her roommate what she should wear, and decided on a major! (We did attempt to get her to counseling, but she adamently refused).</p>

<p>I found it best to ignore her when she was in a down mood, unless she really needed to talk to someone. Don't feel obligated to be there and be patient with your roommate all the time...sometimes making it clear that they're not the only one with stressors can put things into perspective for them and help pull them out of their funk. Overall, just try to be a good friend to them. Throwing therapy at someone who isn't into it is not always the answer.</p>

7

<p>You should continue to be a strong. positive influence, and try to help your roommate in little ways. Can you help her get on a schedule, where she doesn't have to make a decision about whether she "wants" to do something? Getting a job can make a huge difference. Help her focus on small steps that push her in the direction of her goals; she seems overwhelmed and paralyzed by big decisions.</p>

8

<p>Thanks for your advice. I had a hard time last year as well but personally I am now much more secure, less self-conscious and well on my way academically and hopefully, soon-to-be professionally. Roommate did not seem to adjust quite so, and completely needs some type of authoritative figure. Neither of us really has any social life other than a few friends; yet I am willing to step out of my comfort zone once in a while. Roomie can't. </p>

<p>lkf725: if only that were the case. Roommate is very conscious about weaknesses and talks to me about it. I don't know what to tell roommate past everything I've already said. I help roommate out with tidbits of advice, perhaps pointers about classes to look into, what resources on campus are there, what services to try, etc.</p>

9

<p>Sometimes all a person really needs is a sympathetic ear. Having listened and offered advice, I really don't know what else you can do. If your roommate is clinically depressed or mentally ill, she needs professional help. Maybe you can encourage her to seek some. Also, maybe she will find support in her other group of friends.</p>

<p>When my kids have seemed to be in a negative or sad mood or especially argumentative, I drastically cut down the time they are allowed to spend online for about a week or two. I also cut the TV and phone time. In my experience, physical activity and a friendly face are just what has been needed. Would your roommate be interested in joining a campus club with you? Or perhaps you both could schedule a biweekly jog or gym workout together?</p>