<p>I'm a college freshman. My roommate and I picked each other from a website our university provided over the internet, and started off the year thinking everything would be great. This was not the case. We had very different sleeping schedules (I have classes at 9am three days a week, and she has classes at 11am on the same days) and she constantly kept me up. The tension from this built until it exploded. We had roommate mediation, and our living together problems have mostly been solved, but the rift between us was never patched up.</p>
<p>This wouldn't necessarily be a problem, except that my roommate and I have the same group of friends. Well, more like, she has a group of friends that I've sort of tagged along with out of necessity. At first, I felt totally ignored by my roommate when in this group of friends. Lately, it's been getting better.</p>
<p>But it's not better. I still feel like she's constantly judging me for having had a few casual hookups since the beginning of the schoolyear (none that exiled her from the room), but when I tried to be more discrete about it, she says she "has a right to know" and assumes the situation went farther than it did, so I feel compelled to tell her. The other night, we had a talk about friendship, boys, etc., and though I wasn't directly mentioned, it sounded like she was advising me to change myself to fit in with the group, which I feel goes against everything I am. Still, I thought things were at least a little better, until a friend on my floor privately told me that she talks behind my back all the time, raging about the things she doesn't like about me.</p>
<p>I'm not angry about her talking behind my back-- I just wish I hadn't thought we were getting to be better friends. I'm not quite sure what to do. The semester's almost over and it's finals week, so it doesn't seem like the right time to talk to her about it. But should I talk to her about it at all?</p>
<p>Please help me. I feel so alone in college. I love my school, but sometimes I think about transferring just to get away from how awful this is making me feel.</p>
<p>She really isn’t obligated to be your friend. To be civil to you, absolutely, but if you are only friends with these people “out of necessity” I would think in the interest of peaceful living it would be wise to find your own friends that you actually want to be around that actually like you. Maybe she wouldn’t be as rude if she didn’t feel like you were mooching off her social life.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I am totally sympathetic to you, but I don’t understand why you would force the issue if these aren’t really your friends anyway. If your roommate is a witch, why would you be forcing her to accept you tagging along with her friends rather than make your own?</p>
<p>First of all, your not alone. I was a transfer student last year. I lucked out, 2/3 of my roommates were wonderful. This year, with one repeat roommate, things are touch and go. Both my current roommates are from the same town and seem to only talk about people they know from home. I often feel left out even if they don’t purposely try to leave me out. The whole joining your roommates friends because you don’t yet have you own thing, I did the same thing. I met my roommates friends and latched on. Then I joined a sorority. For me, that opened up a whole new group of friends (sisters) to be with. I still see the friends of my old roommate, but I have another group too. It’s ok to rely a bit on others for social outings and relationshps, but it us also important to try to put yourself out there and meet people. College is different for everyone. Maybe you’ll meet your life long best friend, probably not. It’s what you do with your attitude about your situations that will make college great. A positive attitude can go a long way. Believe me, I’ve had many rough collegiate times, you just have to work through them.</p>
<p>TwistedxKiss: It’s a good question. I apologize for not making it clear that there are some girls in the group that I am friends with. They are mutual friends between my roommate and I, though, making it hard to confide in them when we’re having problems.</p>
<p>ZooLove: I registered for rush a few days ago, and thanks to your reply I’m looking forward to it a lot more. :]</p>
<p>That makes more sense and I can actually relate. I have met some kids through my roommate and friendship is budding, but it is getting held up because my roommate and I are not really getting along and it creates an awkward situation-- especially because they are like best friends and we are still just getting to be friends. The way I am handling it is that I am trying to make outside friends in addition to those friends I share with my roommate, so that when there are issues with the roommate I will have somewhere else to go and can just have fun with our mutual friends rather than put the strain of my roommate relations on our friendship. That is working a lot better than trying to have the same core group of friends with somebody that I don’t get along with.</p>
<p>*I still feel like she’s constantly judging me for having had a few casual hookups since the beginning of the schoolyear (none that exiled her from the room), but when I tried to be more discrete about it, **she says she “has a right to know” **and assumes the situation went farther than it did, so I feel compelled to tell her. *</p>
<p>Mom2CollegeKids: I’m not quite sure what gives her the right, yet. But as I said, if I don’t tell her she seems to assume that the situation went further than it did, and judges me anyways. =\ She comes from a more conservative background, so I try to respect that, but I don’t think she understands that I’m just having some fun. I’m being safe about it. I don’t ask her to go elsewhere. I just don’t understand the problem she has with me.</p>
<p>“I’m not quite sure what gives her the right, yet. But as I said, if I don’t tell her she seems to assume that the situation went further than it did, and judges me anyways.”</p>
<p>Your sex life is none of her business unless it somehow interferes with her life, which since you’re not sexiling her, it’s not doing. </p>
<p>She – and others – may choose to judge you for a variety of reasons. That doesn’t give people any right to hear you tell them your personal business.</p>
<p>I think part of the problem is that you may have been expecting that your roommate would become a close friend. In some cases that happens. In many cases, it doesn’t. It’s not something to build your social life around. </p>
<p>“Well, more like, she has a group of friends that I’ve sort of tagged along with out of necessity.”</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like you have much in common with her and her friends. Consequently, it would be to your benefit to make your own friends by joining clubs and otherwise seeking out others who share your interests and values. It’s perfectly fine – normal in fact – for roommates --particularly freshman year roommates – to mainly go their own ways.</p>
<p>Upperclassmembers tend to have more in common with their roommates because they typically chose them after having the opportunity to get to know them well in person, often through activities that both enjoy.</p>
<p>Let’s be clear on another point…the girls who are telling you all the time what the roomie is saying to them behind your back are not your friends either. They are instigating a problem. Perhaps sometimes the roomie is just venting as we all do. The girls she is venting to need to keep their mouths shut. The next time one of them starts to tell you something your roomie has said I would stop them. Just smile and say “I think it’s better if Jane and I talk to each other directly about things…thanks though.”</p>
<p>It’s an awkward situation. Trust me, as adults, we still have the same issue. I met someone through a mutual friend, who later wanted to become my best friend’s best friend (does that make sense?). On th surface she was very nice to me, but behind my back she was excluding me from a lot of get togethers and bad mouthing me. I took the approach of not engagin her in her own game. I continued to be friendly with everyone, but never said anything whenever I found out I was excluded. I would be open about it and asked my best friend if they had a good time. Whenever I got together with her and our other friends, I never bad mouthed that woman. Sometimes when someone purposely tried to tell me what she’s said, I would just brush it off. For some of those people it is fun to watch people to have “cat fight.” When they realized I would not engage then they just stopped passing information back and forth. Not to say it wasn’t easy for a little while, but hey, I am a pleasant, fun person to be around. Once my best friend (not any more really, just good friend now) saw through what that woman was all about, she started to call me more often again.</p>
<p>My advice to you is to be pleasant to your roommate, don’t tell her anything personal. Continue to go out with the group as if nothing is wrong. She will run out of steam after a while. Most people do not like negative people around. If she is constantly bad mouthing you, and you are always pleasant to be around, guess who they would prefer to hang out with? People are willing to listen to others complain up to a certain point, after a while they want to move on. Even when there is a breakup with a boyfriend, your best friend would only want to hear your sad story so many times.</p>
<p>Sidness, as you mentioned, this is exam week. So it’s an especially stressful climate at school and no one is all too upbeat. I hope by sharing with us, you feel better. You are not alone! Many freshmen feel this way. It starts with something you thought manageable, like sleep schedules, but then it escalates. You’ve been given lots of good advice here. Mine is mostly a repeat ( she doesn’t need to know anything personal…especially if she’s talking about you behind your back!)</p>
<p>You’ll go home for a few weeks, and that’s a good time to clear the air. Stay civil, but don’t let your roomie color your views of school. You don’t have to best buds, but you do need to find your own way, independent of her. Good luck on those exams!</p>
<p>College is a big adjustment. You go from the time in your life when you had these relationships which were close for a very long time to a place where you don’t know anyone very well, at all. Additionally, even if you do know people well, this is a time when many young men and women choose to re-invent themselves and break out of whatever roles they were stuck into years ago, back when they were maybe 11 or 12.</p>
<p>In my experience, most college students are looking for instant friendships, just add beer…but, they mistake acquaintances for friendships, or since they are used to living with family, they assume whoever they are living with has to be there for them, which turns out not to be the case. (kids who have been to boarding schools frequently have a better understanding of this and are just grateful to have someone they can “live” with…forget the friendship thing.)</p>
<p>I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice to broaden your horizons and to do rush and just to get out there and be proactive in meeting new people on your own terms. It will get easier as you get busier, though I’m sorry to hear about the early class/late class issue…at your age that can just be a huge pain.</p>
<p>I’m not quite sure what gives her the right, yet. But as I said, if I don’t tell her she seems to assume that the situation went further than it did, and judges me anyways.</p>
<p>I guess my bratty side would then start exaggerating my sex life to the point that she wouldn’t know what to believe. I’d come home each day with wild tales of having sex with others in the elevator, the stairwell, with groups, etc. Tell her that since she thinks that she has the “right to know,” you’re giving her the full detailed report. LOL</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your advice and support! It’s been really refreshing and encouraging to get some objective opinions on this. Honestly, I can’t really explain how much you’ve helped.</p>
<p>Mom2CollegeKids: That makes me laugh. A lot. And it’s very tempting if the situation continues as is. ;]</p>
<p>Don’t worry too much, this too shall pass. One thing to stop worrying about is your roomate’s approval. If she wants to assume the worst, well, let her. That’s her problem, not yours. She doesn’t have a “right to know” about your private business, though she does have a right to have her space and time respected (no private business when she’s there, no exiling her so you can have private business, no private business on her side of the room/in her stuff). If she chooses to judge you, that is her option, but don’t let her judgment rattle you. </p>
<p>You should be polite to your roommate, friendly, and civil, but don’t feel like you have to be her best friend or that she has to agree with your choices or you with hers. Also, remember that friendships in college can be very fluid. A group that is a group one semester may be several little groups by second semester. If there are a few people in the group that you like and trust, maybe try to just hang out more with them separately. </p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like most of this bunch you’ve fallen in with due to your roommate are really being good friends to you. I would seek friends elsewhere, either through a sorority as you mentioned you were doing, or by joining a campus activity, or hanging out with people on other floors or in your hall. If they’re demanding that you change yourself to “better fit with the group”, that should be a warning sign. Like in middle/high school when you have the girl that says “You must do such and such or we can’t be friends anymore”, don’t go to that well because there ain’t no water in it.</p>