Problem with the transition, please read my essay and help me!

<p>I've finished my common app essay and had my teacher read it for me. She told me she like it and we polished it a bit afterwards.
However, after revising it and repeatly reading it in the past few weeks, I started to feel that a very imporatant transiton part in my essay is pretty awkward/abrupt. My friends and teachers told me it's fine but I'm just not sure about it.
So can someone read it for me can tell me how you feel? I'll just PM you two paragraphs of the essay so it probably won't take too much time! Thanks in advance!!!</p>

<p>Sure, I’ll check it out</p>