<p>Last year I took a writing class taught by this really old female professor. She was hard of hearing, very forgetful (e.g., in a class of 15 students, she still didn’t know everyone’s name by the end of the quarter), and a little bit clueless. So as a whole, the class didn’t have a lot of respect for her, and some of the meaner students in the class would sometimes make fun of her right in front of her, because she didn’t get that they were making fun of her. But one time, one of the most obnoxious jokers made a comment and she had a awesome comeback without even realizing it.</p>
<p>So this guy was complaining about a sex scene in a book we had had to read, saying how bad it was. She responded, “Oh, so have you had a lot of experience with that?” I’m pretty sure she meant, “So have you had a lot of experience WRITING sex scenes, and if so, how would you have written this one differently?” But of course, the whole class just erupted into laughter, and she was looking around at us all bewildered, and she asked, “What’s wrong? Should I not have said that?”</p>
<p>The kid’s face turned red and he was speechless. It was awesome, especially because she kind of got back at him for all the times he’d made fun of her, without even realizing it.</p>
<p>Bio professor: “I’m pretty sure most of you know what testes look like, so I’m not going to draw them on the board. If you don’t, see me after class.”</p>
<p>physics professor: “when some guys have reached climax in sex they instantly fall asleep leaving their partners hanging. i always try to talk to my wife after sex.”</p>
<p>*takes cell phone out his pocket. </p>
<p>“hey wife im at a hotel, can you pick me up?”</p>
<p>After someone’s phone rang in class, my chemistry professor said “Tell your mom I’ll call her back later.”</p>
<p>Same professor also asked the class if we knew what a Fisher Burner was (this was like 2 months later). None of us knew and that was when he explained what it was. After explaining what it was, he then added “You guys need to get out more!”</p>
<p>A couple days after our ochem midterm and having gotten our results back, my professor said “For the ones who scored above the avg, good job guys! For the ones who didn’t, why don’t you try studying.” The last class before finals (final was on monday afternoon morning), same professor said “If you are just beginning to study this stuff now and gonna cram during the weekend…just give up!”</p>
<p>During a summer school ochem lecture (class was 3 hrs) and after an hour and a half, we would take a break and then the professor will spend like 5-10 minutes discussing applications of ochem nowadays in the industry. One day, he talked about synthesis of cocaine. After explaining the chemistry of cocaine, he then said “So the next time you go to your dealer, this is how you can test if it’s pure.”</p>
<p>From a speaker who was trying to teach us about what to do with our hands while giving a speech/presentation:</p>
<p>“I always say if it feels good, do it more.” <em>awkward pause</em> “But not in front of an audience.”</p>
<p>My astronomy professor: “They’re the stars that didn’t quite make it. Like Leonardo DiCaprio and Anne Hathaway.”</p>
<p>My very favorite was my Phil 101 professor. He was from the Netherlands and had a really thick accent, so it was sometimes hard to understand what he was saying. One day he was talking about “mental metamorphosis”, but because of his accent it was coming out more like “Mental metamophorosisss”. Every time he said it a few more people would start giggling. After a few minutes he stopped and ask us what was funny, to which the biggest stoner in the class replied, “Dude…your accent is HILARIOUS!”</p>
<p>He was never able to get the class back under control after that and just dismissed us early.</p>
<p>Every time my professors or TAs say something funny, I write it down. I’ve gotten 430 quotes in my year and a half here. Here’s a funny one I got recently.</p>
<p>“Ah, the male toad Bufo bufo will mate with almost anything. Does this remind you of your dates last Saturday night?</p>
<p>My Biology professor freshman year was explaining some sort of feedback loop or something…
“So it’s like if you took the ten slowest runners from Maryland and gave them to Duke. Maryland as a whole would get fast and Duke as a whole would get slower. Or if you took the ten dumbest people from here and gave them to the University of West Virginia, Maryland as a whole would get smarter and West Virginia as a whole would…also get smarter.”</p>
<p>Orgo 1 (35-40 year old woman professor)
“I don’t know, I keep forgetting to do things I must be getting–”
Random voice from the 250 seat lecture hall, “Old?”
“Holy ******!”</p>
<p>For the rest of the semester she was on a mission to figure out who it was. She knew it was a guy, and she had the section he’d been sitting in narrowed down.</p>
<p>Orgo 2:</p>
<p>It was a snow day for most of the area and one student is older and had to bring her two kids with her to lecture. So while explaining the blending of resonance structures for the tenth time:
“God it’s like when I had to explain to my daughter that there are colors between green and blue. Not just blue, not just green…you know what I mean, right? (Woman nods and laughs)…For the rest of you, the amount of amazement is equal to talking about quantum physics with your pothead roommate.”</p>
<p>Orgo Lab TA
“Okay, I need to know who is twenty one, because I’m going to start keeping a tally of how many drinks each of you owe me.”</p>
<p>That word above should be the one that starts with F</p>
<p>Bio professor: “So it’s like, if you live in (dorm 1) and there are two keggers nearby, one at a townhouse and one at a dorm. They’re equidistant, so logically more people will go to the townhouse: some people can bum around with the keg in the kitchen, some can dance in the living, some can play flip cup in the basement…island biogeography is about the same.”</p>
<p>He went to Carleton, so he actually knew the names of the house and the dorms. It was too funny.</p>
<p>My Finite Mathematics professor last semester was foreign and sometimes made mistakes…</p>
<p>One day: “OK, your exam is on Friday and I need to give you some information about it. Well most important do NOT bring a newspaper to the exam, if you are going to bring anything at all make sure it is not a newspaper. If your newspaper goes off during the test you will have to leave. Also…”</p>
<p>We’re all pretty sure he meant “cell phone.”</p>
<p>“The verb literally means ‘to make firm,’ which is idiomatic Akkadian for ‘to prove guilty’ or ‘to convict.’ Here you have it written in the G-perfect with a third masculine singular dative suffix appended to the end. So, what does it say? If we’re going for the literal translation, it means, ‘He subsequently made him fir–’ Well, uh, you know. Let’s just say, ‘He convicted him.’”</p>
<p>And he’s usually such a big fan for the literal translations!</p>
<p>My mathematics professor likes to go over the exam answers a week after the exam so one day, keep in mind, he has a hilarious Nigerian Accent.</p>
<p>“Ok, so this question, question 6. You know, only one person in this whole room got this question wrong. WHAT? Who did it? Who got it wrong? Raise your hand! (quickly) No don’t raise your hand! But really? That’s embarrassing. Really? How did you get that wrong. Jeez…”</p>
<p>LOL! I also had a professor that announced to the entire class: “Please don’t send me emails with attachments. Sometimes they’re viruses with porn. I’ve seen enough porn to last me a lifetime, so no attachments, please.”</p>
<p>So one of my math classes was kinda of an online course. We would have lecture and then all of our quizzes would be taken online. Which meant we could take them from our dorms.</p>
<p>One day the professor was going over the “right hand rule” to quickly determine the direction of a vector. And one idiot raised his hand and asked if we had to use the right hand rule on the quiz. So the professor went on to say:</p>
<p>Oh, no, no, no! I am not going to go around your dorms and knock on your door asking “Are you using your right hand?”.</p>
<p>O-chem (for health/bio sciences) professor after the class was arguing about whether a molecule was chiral or not for 10 minutes.</p>
<p><em>Indian accent</em>
"Look folks a lot of you are going into the medical field and people are going to want you to rearrange their body parts and if you don’t know whether they have a plane of symmetry then we are going to be in big trouble!</p>