<p>Hey everyone, could you please proofread and help improve my NHS essay? It is supposed to be 150-250 words.</p>
<p>The National Honors Society is a group of individuals with great leadership capabilities and serves as a symbol of excellence in our school. I believe my leadership goals and accomplishments reflect the goals of NHS. As a student, I strive for excellence in my school work and to develop the skills necessary to survive in the world of business. I have made Honor Roll through every quarter and am very committed to achieving the highest marks I am able to.
As a hands-on leader, I believe that I am well suited to be accepted into the organization. It is imperative to me that I can set an example for my peers and to help drive them to success on their paths. For example, in the 2011-12 hockey season, I captained my hockey club to the Atlantic District championship. As team leader, I strived to do the right things on and off the ice, as well as instill a hard-working mindset to my teammates. There were instances where an internal dispute arose between some individuals, and, as captain, it was my duty to quell these conflicts and reunite the team. Acceptance into the National Honors Society will allow for more opportunities for me to help my peers, service the community, and influence others around me. I believe that it is important that I can use my skills and talents to help others develop their own set of skills and talents. Likewise, it is also important to lead a group of like-minded individuals, because, without a leader, nothing can be accomplished.</p>
<p>The National Honor Society is a group of individuals with great leadership capabilities, and it serves as a symbol of excellence in our school. I believe my leadership goals and accomplishments reflect the goals of NHS. As a student, I strive for excellence in my schoolwork and work hard to develop the skills necessary to survive in the world of business. I have made Honor Roll every quarter, and I am very committed to achieving the highest marks I can.</p>
<p>As a hands-on leader, I believe I am well suited for NHS membership. I always try to set a positive example for my peers so I can help them reach success in their own ways. For example, in the 2011-12 hockey season, I lead my hockey club to the Atlantic District championship. As team captain, I tried to instill a good work ethic in my teammates and do the right thing on and off the ice.</p>
<p>When an internal dispute arose between some individuals on the team, it was my duty to quell the tensions and bring the team back together. Acceptance into the National Honor Society will give me more opportunities to help my peers, serve the community, and influence others around me. I hope to use my skills and talents to help others develop their own skills and talents, and I look forward to joining a group of like-minded individuals who understand that nothing can be accomplished without a good leader.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>I think you should focus more on how you like to learn rather than on how you always like to get the best grades. It sounds a little anti-intellectual when you say your main goal is to get certain grades rather than to learn.</p>
<p>i’m not sure if it matters in this context, but probably use less passive voice… </p>
<p>and i like ^ that rewrite. it fixed a lot of your grammatical errors, like when you messed up parallel structure. lol she just wrote your whole essay for you…</p>