@STEM2017 How do I answer “how have others on these forums addressed these issues?” when I don’t know what the issues are? And still don’t since the OP hasn’t checked back in. I decided to wait until the OP responded rather than clutter the thread with things which weren’t pertinent. I think I can provide perspective since my other D went to school <100 miles from home.
Distance factored into my daughters’ college choices - they wanted to be out of state and never intended to return home following graduation. They were at terrific, good-fit schools, but if their schools had been within a half-hour’s drive, I don’t know whether they’d have applied. They seem to like their family … but they most definitely did not like the area where they grew up, which doesn’t offer much in the way of professional opportunities. It worked out well for them, just as the dead-opposite approach will work out well for others.
There is a difference between going away across country versus going to a school a few hundred miles away. My older son went to McGill in Montreal, 300 miles away, different country, different language, yet an easy 6 hour drive or one hour flight from Boston. In case of an emergency, at either end of the journey, it would have been an easy trip.
A few comments–
–This is totally up to each family. There is no one right answer for all.
–IMO as parents who pay the bills it is within your power to set limits, including geographic limits, on where you child goes to college. If you or your wife cannot get comfortable with the idea of your D being a plane flight away the best/kindest thing you can do is to tell her now – before she gets her heart set on a school you ultimately won’t let her attend.
–Where I came out on it personally was that since we live in an area with tons of great colleges/universities within driving distance, I told my kids that if they wanted to fly somewhere for college they would have to do the research and be able to explain/prove to me why the program at the far away school would be better than those of schools within driving distance before I could justify the additional cost/hassle. Both stayed within driving distance for undergrad. For grad school my S got into a top program halfway across the country and we all agreed it was worth it for him to go (but after a huge hassle/cancelled flights etc. flying home for Thanksgiving he said he was grateful that he was closer for his undergrad years).
Lots of good advice here. I agree with @happy1 that if the parent is paying they have some rights on setting parameters, but I would say this. By that reasoning, you could insist on what courses they take, what major they have. Some parents actually believe that is true, and I have no idea what @happy1 thinks about that. I am not trying to put words in their mouth or derail the thread, but instead just to make sure a statement like that has perspective and that it causes you and your wife to think long and hard about what kind of controls you want to put on your child, and when you are going to let her grow up. Because to me, that is what is great about the college time in our country as it exists today. For a lot of young people, it represents a unique opportunity to transition between a life where much is done for them and one where they have all the responsibilities of an adult. They have to be responsible for their own time and choices at college much more than before, but they don’t have the weight of rent/mortgage, numerous other bills (but potentially some bills, which is a good thing), and an 8-5 job.
Which leads me to the conclusion that it isn’t so much distance as the circumstances they find themselves in. In other words, there is a world of difference between a student going to college in the same city as their parents but lives in the college dorm and has an agreement with their parents that they will be allowed to be like other college kids that might be hundreds of miles from home, versus the child that still lives at home and commutes to class. My own first hand experience with that is that even after one semester, it is easy to see the difference in the maturing of the former versus the latter.
Now there are certainly some benefits to going further from home, not the least of which is that it removes the natural temptation to give into home sickness. 95+% of the time, kids get over this within a few weeks, but if they can just run home they never get that chance. And there is something to be said for a change in environment beyond that, but mainly, to me, it is the ability to be in that wonderful state of semi-independence that helps them transition into this modern world that is the key. So even if she were only to be 10 miles away, enforcement of a barrier (I know there is a better word but cannot think of it) would be critical, if you want what is best for her. This world just isn’t what it used to be, where families stayed within a very small distance of each other through generations.
Just to give you an idea where I am coming from, so you can see my biases: I grew up in St. Louis. When looking for colleges (I was the first in my family to attend college, so I had no help there) I took out a map and drew a circle around St. Louis the equivalent of 300 miles. Nothing within that circle was considered, only schools 6 hours+ drive or more away. I ended up in New Orleans. It wasn’t that I had family problems per se, although due to losing my mother to cancer at a young age and my Dad working 3 jobs, I pretty much raised myself so I was pretty independent. It was more that with those circumstances, I had essentially never been anywhere else. So as you can see, quite a difference than your situation. But I can tell you that it was completely eye-opening to be in such a new environment and completely changed my life. Now perhaps that scares you and/or your wife relative to your daughter, but IMO all children deserve the chance to have that kind of semi-independence at this age. That is harder to pull off if they are living at home or coming home every weekend.
My kids grew up probably more like yours, I suspect (but don’t know, obviously). But they both went to camps, brain camps more than outdoorsy camps, starting pretty young and these were usually at university settings. So they got used to being away for a few weeks in a dorm environment and having roommates at random. Needless to say college was an easy transition for them and while they looked at schools both close and far, they both ended up over 1,000 miles away. But everyone is correct: between Skype, the regular phone, cheap airfares, etc. you see them more than you would think. But wherever she ends up, to me the most important thing is that you give her the room to breathe and grow that will best equip her to deal with a world where moving because of jobs is a reality for most people.
So you can compare that situation and set of opinions to your situation and do with it what you might. I just strongly encourage you and your wife to think hard about what is truly in the best interest of your child. You know her, we don’t.
My son goes to school in Texas and has a good friend from Chicago who I got to meet. I kind of pick her brain to findo out why she decided to go to school so far from home. She says she just wanted a change of scenery. She was originally homesick but got over it pretty quickly once she made friends. The only downside was she could not afford to go home for Thanksgiving and spring break. She spent Thanksgiving with us and stayed in the dorms for spring break. She is still happy with her decision and will be returning for her sophomore year. She plans to live in the Austin/San Antonio area after graduation. I wanted my son to pick a school within 400 miles from home and he found one 1/2 that distance. Son also has a former football teammate who is a senior at the University of Chicago. He loves the school and plans on living the Chicago area after graduation. If you can afford to fly your kids home during breaks you should be good.
For the record @fallenchemist did not remotely want to imply that as a parent I should choose the courses, decide the major etc. However, I do think that there should be an open-ended discussion/flow of information between parent and child if there is a huge shift of plans. For example, when my D decided to switch majors/change paths we talked about it. We sat down like adults and she explained what she wanted to switch into, what her thought process was, and what her next step would be. IMO that was a mature way to handle it (especially since, in her case, the change of plans entailed her going to grad school and we agreed to fund). And I would initiate talk with my kids if H and I have any huge change upcoming that would impact them. Also, I never had a desire to micro-manage the courses either kid took although they often shared that information with me in conversation.
Bottom line is IMO mutual respect and open lines of communication are key to maintaining healthy relationships.
But alas, we veer off course. Every family has to handle things in a way that works for them. What works for us may not work for others. There is no right or wrong because every family is different – and that is a good thing.
A few points that resonate…
- Its not about me
- Homesickness usually wears off pretty ** quickly **
- The first year is the ** hardest **
- Four years goes by ** very ** quickly
- A 7+ hour drive is more difficult than a plane ride
- A plane ride coupled with a long drive is toughest of all (being near a major airport helps)
- An occasional Thanksgiving with a ** different** family is a good thing
- Change is ** good **
- There is ** no ** right or wrong choice
- ** It’s not about me **
The 300 mile drive from Boston to Montreal through NH and VT was a lot more pleasant and much less stressful than the 300 mile drive to Philadelphia through NYC and NJ.
Our son goes to university 1800 miles away, east coast to Colorado. It’s just a plane-ride away. We enjoy going out there to see him for long weekends a few times a year. He felt comfortable there when we visited and we, as parents, felt good about the school. Now he’s going to be a senior.
I enjoy the 500-mile drive from Portland to Susquehanna University in Pennsylvania. We leave at 3 am in order to beat morning rush hour on the east coast. We stop for breakfast around 8 am and get to SU at noon. I much prefer the drive to flying.
But I don’t think it is off course. They came on CC looking for help and opinions, and if the only viable comment is “every family is different” then this forum is useless for this kind of question. I think relating our experiences, along with context, allows them to see both other ways people have handled this along with the circumstances that led to that set of decisions. It has its limitations, of course. But that issue of parental control and how far it extends seems exceeding relevant here, to me. I think it was great that you brought it up. We have all seen some pretty extreme opinions on this before, and certainly where to attend school and living at home was included.
Could not agree with you more that open and frank communication between parents and child on all aspects (distance, finances, amount and method of communication once at college, etc.) is critical. These things should be discussed if they are not clear. Nothing worse than a child thinking one way only to be completely surprised that the parents are not on board for whatever reason(s).
Chicago to Colorado (where I live) is really not so far away once you look into the details.
If there’s a true emergency or if you need to haul stuff (like when the kid gets an off campus apartment or takes a car to campus) you can drive it if you really want/need to. And I have enjoyed the handful of long road trips I’ve shared with my kids between home and campus. Especially if I fly one way.
But more important, Chicago/Denver complies with the all-important “Southwest” rule that all my kids’ college choices are subjected to. They have to pick a college where (i) Southwest flies (no bag fees and free ticket changes make a big difference when dealing with a far away college student), (ii) it is a direct flight (connecting flights take too long and always get messed up), and (iii) when the plane lands, you are there (no two hour drive out into the boonies). Bonus points if the flight is under 3 hours long.
The subjective feeling of being close vs. far away is more a product of how long, how cumbersome and how expensive the travel between point A and point B is. If flights are plentiful, cheap, quick and direct, the number of land miles doesn’t matter so much. If it takes a whole day to get there (connecting flights plus a drive) and it is expensive, then it feels much further away.
Our kids went to college about 700 miles away – too far to drive easily, but it was an easy plane flight. They affirmatively wanted not to be close to home, to experience something else, but they didn’t need to be that far away, they would have been OK with being a two or three hour drive away. They (and we) got to know an exciting city where none of us had spent a lot of time before.
We had sent them away to summer camp, so we knew (a) how wrenching it was to let them go, and (b) how great it was for them to be independent.
Each had a comparatively minor medical problem when they were seniors in college. Both handled it fine, without any significant parental intervention (other than calling a lot to ask how it was going).
Unlimited calling, texting, and Facetime/Skype meant that we had much more contact with them than either of us had with our parents when we were in college.
Between them, they only spent one college summer at home (which was one too many).
One of them moved to New York City two days after graduation, and has been there 7+ years now. That’s a lot closer to home, which is nice for us. The other stayed in his college city (and eventually got a masters degree and a job at the university), and seems likely to remain there. (Left to his own devices, he might be happy to move closer to where we live. But he’s not left to his own devices anymore. His fiancee likes being close to where her parents live, and she is extremely good at getting what she wants without upsetting anyone about it.)
I have two who go to schools 2000 miles apart, so I clearly can’t live near both. At first I lived near one, now I live near the other. The pros of living close are that I can visit more easily without having to stay overnight. One is an athlete and it was nice to watch her games, meet the other parents, meet her friends. Transportation to school is easier. Medical insurance, car insurance, even banking might be slightly easier. If there is a family event like a wedding or birthday, easier to get to. My other daughter is more involved in the arts. Her roommate was in several dance performances and her mother could go to them because she lives close. It’s fun to go to a football game. My nephew attends a school about 30 miles away, so his parents can go to football games without making a weekend out of it. They also go to Mom or Dad weekend at his fraternity which they wouldn’t do if it wasn’t close, he comes home all the time for an hour or dinner or, mostly, when his high school friends are in town (those who don’t also go to school 30 minutes away)
My athlete who now lives far just left for school this morning. She really wants me to visit more, especially for her games. All that independence seems unimportant now that she has it.
Other pros for staying close can be more scholarships to use instate, some state grants, easy transfer of community college credits from high school.
There are pros for going far too.
I have one who stayed relatively close ( 3-4 hour car ride) and one that is a plane ride or very long car ride away.
One of the drawbacks with the one who was closer was that was that there were little to no medical facilities near her school, other than campus health services. Thankfully this did not impact my D, but it did impact her friend (who also lived relatively close) who had a medical condition. On two occasions her mother had to come up to the school (so being close was a plus) and bring her to a neighboring city for appropriate medical care.
My other D is a very long car ride or a one hour (slightly longer) plane ride. The biggest problem that I had is that she is not the easiest of kids. She is very intense and a perfectionist. The distance made things very hard for me, although to be honest it would not have been different had she been closer. An advantage that she has over her sister - which made it easier for me to send her this far- is that she is in a medical community with a hospital on campus, plenty of doctors, and excellent counseling both on and off campus. She has already used the medical facilities on campus for counseling, physical therapy, a minor flu type illness, sports medicine doctor, etc. Getting her back and forth during the school year is not difficult as her school is less than 30 minutes from the airport. She either takes an uber or the campus shuttle. She applied to many schools that were in our geographic area (and there are plenty of excellent ones), however the three schools that she really connected with were farther away.
One of my kids went to college about a two hour drive away. The other went 3000 miles away. Guess who we saw more? The one 3000 miles away!
College is a great time to experience a different part of the country. It’s a somewhat insular environment…but still offers independence from home. Really, if your kiddo lives on campus, they can still be very independent, and not come home…regardless of how far away they attend college.
Now…having said all of that…we had ONE parent criteria for college applications. The college either needed to be within a three hour drive of our house…or within One hour of a close friend or relative. We have a big family…and a pretty healthy circle of friends. The college DD attended was about 20 minutes from a very good friend, and within an hour of several relatives. That was important to us in case of an emergency, FYI DD had emergency gall bladder surgery, and there was NO way for me to get there in time for it. Luckily one relative and the friend were there for her.
Others have already pretty well covered the pros and cons. It never occurred to us to put geographical limits on our D’s college search as both of us went OOS and it seemed like the natural thing to do. As it turned out, she only went about 370 miles away. 1) Finances and 2) student ability/willingness to be at least provisionally independent are the two main factors. I don’t think parent psychological comfort should really be an issue. If the bird wants to (and can), let her fly. It’s fair, though, to let the student know that you can’t afford frequent trips home, or that the parents can’t come to visit, etc.
I went 1200 miles away in an age without cell phones, skype, or even email. I spoke to my parents once a week on a hall phone. I survived and thrived. The first semester was hard but I got used to coping on my own and figuring things out. I learned I didn’t need my parents as much as I had thought. It was kind of thrilling.
@STEM2017 My daughter went 3000 miles away.
Sort of. DD wanted a pleasing climate with no snow.,we live in New England so she looked at places far away to fulfill her pleasing weather criteria.
Both of our kids had been to camp and had traveled extensively without us…both in and out of the country. There really wasn’t much to adjust to. The distance was there, sure…but she could have been ten minutes from home…and she still would,have been “away”.
She told me she was homesick the first week. But once she got into her classes, made friends, etc…she was fine.
My kid had H1N1 the first term of her senior year. She had her gall bladder removed the second term. H1N1 was totally handled by the school health center with no problem. My kid had scoped out the hospital situation when she was a freshman,just in case, so when she had the gall bladder issues, she knew exactly which ER she wanted to go to (of course this happened on a weekend). Care was exemplary. And the college was awesome in making sure she could complete her courses!
She came home for Christmas and in the summer. Their Thanksgiving break was a full week, but it was only 10’days before finals. We just didn’t want to fly her across the country twice. She went to relatives every Thanksgiving. Her school had spring break things to do…mission trips and the like. She did two of those…and went to the relatives the other two breaks.
We did fly her to the east coast for two important family events for long weekends.
No. I took her out there for move in…,and went for graduation.
She called once a week. Also emailed and sent text messages as needed.
Yes.
She was independent to begin with…but grew even more self confident in college.
We had plenty of money to fly her around…but it was a LONG trip,with a three hour time change.
My parents lived in Africa most of the time I was in college, so barring illness or cost, distance doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. That said, it’s nice to have relatives or friends near the city, so that if there is an emergency one might be able to call on them in need. I never needed my nearby aunt and uncle, but they were very good about taking me out to dinner two or three times a year which I very much enjoyed, and since they always made the current boyfriend welcome, I suspect reports probably went off to my parents! I do think there’s something to be said in favor of exploring a new part of the country and not going to a college that will seem like too much of an extension of high school. This is a good time to do some exploring.
Ultimately I think all else being equal kids should go to the best academic and social fit. One kid was a 6.5 hour drive (but easy direct plane flight), the other was a 3.5-4 hour drive (but mostly took the train home).
Our younger son spent his entire junior year abroad in Jordan - Skype was great.