<p>My daughter and our family has been looking at colleges for the better part of two years all over the country and now it is time for her to decide which one to attend. I have told her that I think she should stay closer to home but didn't say she couldn't apply to far away schools. Now she wants to go to Elon and I refuse to let her go that far. She didn't apply to any schools of similar size that are closer but did apply and has been accepted to a state school in our own state of Illinois (ISU). She has also been accepted to College of Charleston in SC. I just don't feel like she is ready to go so far away and think that she can have a good college experience here instate. She says that she should be able to choose but I think I get a say in this matter too.Help?</p>
<p>My D always said “Don’t let me fall in love with a college you won’t let me go to.” </p>
<p>Elon vs. ISU. Really? I actually went to ISU decades ago, but my niece in Illinois says that ISU does not have a good academic reputation these days.</p>
<p>I’ve read about College of Charleston and it seems pretty cool.</p>
<p>Are you married to Collegedadguy? Your question has been addressed on his thread “Wife Doesn’t Want Daughter Go Away” I doubt you’ll get different responses on this one.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds ready to go away to school. You’ve raised her well. Let her fly.</p>
<p>If you were going to object to her going far away, the time to do that was during the application process. I think it’s really unfair of you to be saying this now. Let her go.</p>
<p>Ok, so you let her look all over the country with no intention of letting her go anywhere but your chosen schools? That makes zero sense. Sorry, let her go where she wants as long as it is affordable. It’s her college years, no yours.</p>
<p>We live in Illinois and as far as DS was concerned he wasn’t even considering anything remotely close. I think it’s enlightening to be able to set up for four years in a different (non-midwest) environment. Sure I miss the heck out of him, but I can’t imagine not letting your DD go because it’s too far for you. Parenting sucks sometimes.
I did the same thing (from Syracuse to Richmond) and as a result became much more self-sufficient and responsible than friends I know who were close enough to go home monthly.
This should be her decision.</p>
<p>If it is just a matter of distance - and she is ready - let her go! It really is a sign you did a great job. It is the only job that your best sign of success is that you lose the job. Separation is hard - there are lots of threads on it. We all go through it and it works out, if you hold them back for no other reason than fear you will regret that in the future. If you let them go when they are ready you will be part of the process. Yes, there are bumps. Yes, some kids do come back. My D was adamant that she wanted far away but when the time came she chose closer - why? because she wasn’t ready - nothing wrong with that - she needed that time. But she chose - not me. Despite being closer in miles we see her less than the one who went further away.</p>
<p>Whenyou say she isn’t ready, do you mean she’s unusually immature? Has she had behavioral or other problems? Or is this just a case of your not being ready for her to be grown up?</p>
<p>This is hard for many moms, but if your DD is a normal young woman, it’s time for you to let go and let her choose. time to let her make choices that reflect who she is, even when they’re not what you would do. </p>
<p>If she’s a young woman with problems that needs to be monitored, give her benchmarks and assure her she can transfer if all goes well.</p>
<p>If you insist, you will keep her near for a few years. After that, she’ll be gone, gone, gone. Don’t make that mistake.</p>
<p>Time for mommy to grow up. Your daughter is way ahead of you.</p>
<p>she has had a few “senior” episodes careless and occasionally disorganized. she is a procrastinator and I don’t feel like she has any good reasons for choosing Elon. she says it “feels right” and that it “was pretty” She wants to be a teacher and so ISU has a good teaching department. I don’t know why she has to go 14 hours away to get a teaching degree.</p>
<p>You searched all over the country for colleges and let her apply to far away colleges, only to impose a geographic restriction now (far too late to discuss such things – the correct time to discuss such things was before searching for colleges and making the application list)?</p>
<p>OP, I suspect that you’re going to continue to hear people tell you that you shouldn’t have let her apply to Elon if you were going to refuse to let her go there. I suspect there will be plenty of disorganized procrastinators at Elon who will nevertheless manage to do fine.</p>
<p>The time for you to have had your say was when your D was applying to schools. If you weren’t willing to allow her to go to North Carolina or South Carolina, you should not have permitted her to apply to schools there. Then she would have known (when there was still something she could do about it) that if she wanted a school that was similar in size and feel to Elon, she’d need to find one closer. Illinois State and Elon are worlds apart, and while I think there are plenty of kids who will bloom where they are planted, ISU may not be the school for a student who is drawn to Elon. And perhaps a kid who isn’t ready to go away isn’t ready to thrive at a school that’s not a good fit. Would your D be commuting to ISU? If not, then I question if readiness to go away is a real reason. If a kid can live away from home in Normal, IL, then why not in Elon, NC?</p>
<p>Is this really a financial issue? Is your thinking that because she procrastinates and is disorganized it isn’t worth spending the extra money/travelling the extra distance for Elon? There are lots of majors you can do at just about any school, and yes, ISU is a fine school for an education major, but I don’t think it’s right to say that because she wants to be a teacher ISU is “good enough” and Elon isn’t necessary - UNLESS finances really are an issue. If that’s the case, then it’s unfortunate you didn’t have that discussion with her long ago, and it’s time to sit her down and have it now. I DO think it’s fair, it you’re paying for her education and Elon will cost you more, to ask her to provide you with some compelling reasons why Elon is a better school for her.</p>
<p>If it really is a money issue, you need to have that talk now. Then it can be framed as cheap school for this fall or gap year and a new affordable college list for 2013.</p>
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<p>^^ Are you sure you don’t mean “I just don’t feel like I am ready…?”</p>
<p>I believe your ambivalence is very normal and understandable during this critical stage in your daughter’s life. I have similar feelings about my son going (a plane-ride) away to college too. Some days I think this is the best thing for him, and get really excited about his burgeoning independence. Other days, I want to call the whole thing off, thinking he is too immature, etc. Overall, when I really think about it rationally, I realize that he is a great kid who will most likely blossom once he is at college. And, it’s not like I’m sending him off into a jungle alone; he will be at a fabulous school with numerous other fantastic kids, whose parents are worried and missing them, too.</p>
<p>Ifmyou want your daughter close, going back on your word will no accomplish that. She has every right to be furious with you. She got into a good school.</p>
<p>Unless she has serious mental health, physical or social issues, and I mean serious, younneed to let go. 5 hours can be just as far emotionally as 14.</p>
<p>I find it galling you would say ne thing then turn around and say, h never mind. Kind of immature.</p>
<p>Kkd123 ~ I think you bring up some valid concerns about your daughter going so far away. I think that is something that you really need to talk about and discuss w/your daughter. Going away to college is still an abstract idea to her. My daughter is a junior in high school, and she says that a lot of kids at her high school talk about going to college far away from home because the idea seems so appealing and grown up to them. </p>
<p>I think it really has to be addressed that if your child goes to college far away from home, then they will never be able to come home for just a typical weekend. The only time they will be able to come home is during the longer breaks like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring break. I do think there are implications to going to college far from home, especially if the child has never had the experience and opportunity of being away from home before. We know a family in our area (Illinois) whose daughter started out this school year at a college in Nebraska (about 10 hours away) who ended up transferring to a school in Wisconsin 2nd semester that is only about an hour and a half away. She had originally thought she wanted to go far away to school, and the experience of being so far away on her own was appealing to her, but once she got to college, she changed her mind very quickly. A lot of people in her dorm got to go home for weekends, or have family come up to visit them, on a regular basis, but she didn’t have that option. When coming home for Thanksgiving, she had to fly home and that can be quite an expensive way to travel back and forth to college. Unless there is a college that a child wants to attend that has a very good program they want to major in and can’t get the same type of education at a college closer to home, or the child has a dream school they have always wanted to attend that just happens to be very far away from home, I think it is a very important and valid discussion to have about going away so far from home. A child will still be able to experience the independence of college whether they are an hour from home, or 10 hours from home. Their life will be where ever they are, and even if they don’t come home for many weekends, the option is still there. </p>
<p>I do think the time to set limits and parameters about what colleges to visit and apply to is at the very beginning of the college search. With our daughter, we are not looking at any colleges that are further than 6 hours from home. At the beginning of the school year, my daughter was saying that she wouldn’t mind going to a college far from home, but as we have visited colleges and taken the drives there, she has changed her mind. She realizes that she does not have to be too far from home in order to get the full college experience and also to experience the independence of going to college as well. Over Spring break we took her to visit the college that is 6 hours away from home, and after experiencing the drive there and back, the distance of this school to our home I think will actually be a negative to her when deciding where she wants to go to college. It is one thing to know that the school you may attend is 6 hours away, but it is another to actually experience that drive and realize that you may have to do that, or fly, every time you want to go home and visit your family. The closest college that we are looking at for her is 2 hours from home and the farthest is 6 hours. Most of them are about 3 hours from home though.</p>
<p>Good luck to you and try to sit down w/your daughter and go over the implications of going to a college far away from home. Keep us posted!</p>
<p>If you truly told your daughter at application time that she could go anywhere, and now you change your mind, you’re going to antagonize her – perhaps forever – unless there is a very good reason for the change.</p>
<p>An unexpected family financial crisis would be a very good reason. So would a serious health problem of your daughter’s, where she would benefit from being able to see the same doctors year-round. I can’t think of much else that would qualify.</p>
<p>If your child has mental health issues I would understand. If you have a financial concern, i would undersand. Otherwise, please, for your daughters sake, and for the sake of your future relationship, let her go where she wants. Trust her to chose the experience she needs.
I grew up in New England, and went of to school, in 1982, in Florida, at 17. It was the best decision of my life. My parents wanted me to stay local, but let me leave. I am a parent of 3 daughters, and I know how tough it is to let them go, but under these circumstances you must let her do it. She will be fine. And in the off chance that it’s not fine, she will have learned something from it! </p>
<p>It is so important for kids to go off and see other places, and open their eyes to different people and experiences.</p>
<p>I feel I have the opposite opinion of Lady Ham. I respect that opinion, but I am the polar opposite. I guess it depends on the child. I had no problem skipping Thankgiving at my parents, for example. Instead, I learned to cook, and made Thanksgiving dinner for 25 friends. It was a blast, and I grew up and became an independent adult.</p>