I don’t see why this would have an impact on the choice of a nearby or faraway school. In either case, the parents won’t know whether the student is isolating herself or even skipping classes.
If the problem is severe, perhaps a case could be made for having the student attend college as a commuter so that parents can observe her behavior and ensure that she is getting the help she needs. But if the student is living on campus, parents don’t know what’s happening on a day-to-day basis, regardless of whether the student is an hour from home or on the other side of the country.
@marian agreed. This is a factor but not the only factor. Decisions are not always cut and dry. To say this would imply that she cannot go anywhere just because she has a higher risk. And if you go anywhere more than local, how is that going to affect her? I’m analyzing the situation because that’s what we do on this board. Many parents ignore or don’t see a risk And end up with a problem. I’m being proactive in trying to explore life of parents and children of students who have traveled far from home
@mknott The advice here is really good and it truly is a personal decision…but I will throw out one thought (because i have sympathy for your wife’s position)…there was a dad here last year (and I looked for the post and can’t find it!) who had a D starting her 2nd semester, across the country. He and his daughter both had regrets over the distance…his daughter because she would have liked to have come home at thanksgiving & random weekends and they really couldn’t afford more than the trip at Christmas (both time & money) and the Dad because he hadn’t realized how abrupt the transition would have been and he was 2nd-guessing whether she could have gotten the same education at a place that was hundreds of miles away rather than thousands.
I toss that out as an alternative view. As a parent, honestly, I see nothing wrong with wanting to have your kids closer rather than further. Something being further away isn’t better…its just further.
My older daughter went to college 2,000 miles from home. She loved the school, and I’m glad she went there. I worry about her and her sister a lot (too much) but I try to separate my “I’m worrying because I’m a mom” fears from the legitimate ones, which could, in some situations, include health issues. It definitely can be hard to find good medical and psychological care in a new place, especially out of state, and both my daughters have needed to do that. Again, though, I’m glad that they have felt free and comfortable enough to go far from home. Both of them live on the other coast now, 1,000 miles from here.
I will say for me and my family, location was a big factor. I’m not the type of of person who can be hours away from home. My mom knew that before I did yet she still let me tour a college 3.5 hours away. I quickly realized there was no way I could be that far. My mom said that she wouldn’t feel comfortable with me more than a couple hours away, but we never ended up liking schools outside that distance so there were no problems. I’m going 40 minutes away to a school I love. It really depends on the person, their family and what they want. I have a friend going half way across the country and another going to college in Ireland. There is no one answer.
My seniors two favorites right now is one school a short plan ride (1.5 hours) and a 2 hour free shuttle trip-- I COULD,lk not that I usually WOULD drive it in 9 hours if it was NECESSARY- which is a good thing I suppose. The other is 2.5 hours drive away. She also has a couple in our old home state- where we lived until she was in high school, she favors NOT being there because to her (and I agree) part of college is expanding your horizons a bit.
I SORT of favor the plane ride because while my daughter’s boyfriend is a nice enough guy, I think not having his pressure is better for HER - he tends to hover. If they are meant to be, they still will even if she’s a plane ride away.
I haven’t read this entire thread, but I agree with many that this is a personal decision based on the factors associated with the particular student needs. My husband and I work in Asia and our daughter goes to school in New England, so we are at least 25 to 30 hours of grueling air and other travel apart. It is very hard to walk away when we leave her here in the states, but our jobs allow us to afford her school, and we would never hold her back because we have to be so far apart. In contrast one of her roommate’s family live 20 minutes away, and even though the roommate doesn’t leave campus to be with her family much more than my daughter, they probably would have a much harder time tolerating more distance.
We have one who is 40 minutes from home. This is the kid with a mood disorder, so it worked very well her first two years. Last year, she went abroad and did have some trouble, but she’d learned good coping skills and was able to get herself sorted out, so the only one who was freaked out by this was me!
My son is a 12 hour drive away. We are driving him to school and back, but he flies home for all of his breaks. This gets expensive, so if your kid is a plane ride away, you need to account for all the air travel during the breaks in your budget. Don’t assume she’ll just go home with local friends–it may not work that way the first year, and some schools prohibit students from staying on campus unless there are special circumstances.
Some colleges close all or almost all of the dorms every break (and they may reserve the buildings that stay open for international students). (My son went to a college like this.) And you can’t cheat and stay in the dorms anyway. They change the locks electronically and search the buildings for stray students (at least, this is what they did at my son’s school – mostly because they fumigated the buildings every break and had to make sure they were completely unoccupied first).
Other colleges leave their dorms open for all breaks except the long winter break. (My daughter went to a college like this.) The dining halls may close, and students may have to go off campus to buy food, but they can stay in their own rooms. (Just remember to provide your student with enough money to buy food – and it may have to be pricey restaurant food – during the break.)
If your child is going to attend a faraway school and it’s impractical to come home for every break, it’s good to know which kind of college you’re dealing with. Your student may not be able to stay with local friends and, if under 21, may not be able to rent a hotel room in the college community during the period when the dorm is closed.
Our kids stayed local. They had a choice of a variety of schools and picked the best value schools for them which happened to be local. The experience at a local non-commuter university isn’t much different if your kids stay in the dorms or an apartment as long as they don’t come home every weekend. One child did an 8 mo study abroad program, learned to be on his own on a very limited budget (he paid for the program himself) and still had many adventures. We saw him more in Europe then if he lived nearby.
My daughter went to college 11 hours away. I will say that travel expenses were around 2500 a year. Several flights with inconvenient and cancelled connections a year, long trips requiring vacation from work, a night’s stay in a hotel, food and gas for driving trips, etc. Also, when the family visited that was another batch of missed work or vacation, hotels, possibly airline tickets for 2 or 3 people, meals out and more. We factored the cost and inconvenience in when making the choice. Just be aware of these issues. Being able to drive, drop off and return home in a day if needed is a great convenience- even a 7 hour drive is sort of doable for a one day driving marathon drop off and return home.
Another pro (although maybe a con, depending on your level of tolerance for mess): my nephew, lives 45 minute from home, moved all his stuff home because he has 10 days between the end of the old lease and the start of the new lease. I’m sure he could have found storage for 10 days at a price (I’d say most students have the same 10 day gap), but he just used his mother’s garage.
There are also about 5 new kids added to the 'Istarted at an OOS school, but have now transfered to the flagship 30 miles from my home) group. He has so many friends who have transferred back closet home.
Something to consider with your student’s depression is the school’s policy for medical withdrawals. Parents have shared both good and bad experiences in dealing with their child’s school trying to salvage a GPA and financial obligations after their student has crashed during a semester.
Ultimately, you will want to be very involved in knowing the school’s deadlines for dropping classes without penalty, changing to pass/fail, etc. What kind of documentation is required to get a retroactive medical withdrawal? Be proactive and get your child to sign authorizations for you to be able to communicate regarding grades, medical records, and other relevant areas. Of course, you would want your child to take the lead in advocating for herself, but you also know she can hide her problems well.
Sounds like a lot of open and honest communication is in order, regardless of which college is chosen. If you as parents can negotiate some key points for self-reporting warning signs and proactive practices that can improve mood and relieve stress, your child has a better chance for success.
Simple things like routines for eating, sleeping well, and study times, along with regular exercise and some stress relieving entertainment or hobby are great ideas for any new college student. Being open to making new friends, joining clubs and activities on campus can lead to friendships that could grow into support systems for your child.
Tuition insurance is something I have heard about on this forum, but don’t know any details. Some seem to think it is not worth it, that the student has to be hospitalized for the insurance to pay out. Again, something to check into now to see if it is worth it.
Another consideration when looking at schools is to verify with your insurance if they offer in network doctors in that city. Paying for counseling without in network options is expensive.
My eldest DD is a very independent person…she limited herself to looking at schools within a radius 3-4 hours (driving) and chose one 3.5 hours away. We told her we would pick her up/drop her off but she was responsible for getting herself home for breaks (we paid for transport). She always found someone to ride home with but there was a Bus available. She majored in Math so that was not something limited to specific colleges.
My youngest DD has social anxiety and wanted to be closer to home…she had a 2 hour radius and ended up at a school an hour from home. She liked knowing we were there if necessary but didn’t need our help very often.
This is definitely 1 of those questions where the right answer for 1 family won’t work for another family. It totally depends on your family, your child, and your unique circumstances.
Colorado is ONLY a 2-2.5 hour plane ride away from Chicago. And since you live near Chicago, you have a major hub airport at your disposal, so a 2 hr plane ride really isn’t that bad when you think about it.
Be careful about setting limits on your daughter’s college options just because the parent(s) are anxious. I’m not saying that this is the case with you or your wife, of course. But I have run into situations in which parents have done this and it’s been very stressful & stifling for the student.
Also, just because a child goes away to college doesn’t mean that they will live in that area for the rest of their lives.
Your mileage may vary, of course, but if the intent is for your daughter to make a wise and well-informed decision, then you should consider not going the “it’s my way or the highway route” and instead having an open dialogue with your daughter about a few different questions. For example:
What is it about Colorado, Florida, and the other out of state schools that appeals the most to you?
Do those schools have good programs in the field of study that you're interested in?
Do those OOS schools have better stats in terms of % of students who have full time employment at graduation? Better 5-yr graduation rates? Etc.
Proximity of decent health care in case of an emergency? Or is the on campus student health center the only option?
If your DD will not have a car, how easy or hard will it be for her to get around? Is there a bus service or will she have to rely on getting rides with friends?
How hard/easy will it be to travel home for the holidays?
What sort of on campus student support services are available?
Does your DD have any chronic medical conditions that might be a concern? If so, what resources are available locally/nearby the university?
Ask your daughter what her plan/expectations are in terms of keeping in touch with you and your wife. How often to talk on the phone?
What sort of campus safety options are available? for example, lots of universities have programs with the campus police in which you can call a # and have someone accompany you back to your dorm/apartment late at night.
Ask your DD how she plans to use situational awareness/street smarts/common sense in order to maintain personal safety.
You should probably (if you haven’t done so already) have a heart-to-heart chat with your wife to figure out what the big things are that your wife is anxious/worried about re: DD going out of state for college.
There might be some very logical & common sense reasons why your DD wants to go out of state. There could also be some emotional reasons for her doing so. Or she might just want to use this opportunity to spread her wings and experience something new / go on a new adventure…which is part of what college is all about.
It’s a little scary and sad to see your “children” go away to college, but it’s also terribly exciting to see them become independent and self-reliant (and happy and confident!) adults. Even if you don’t see each other often, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be close. Some of our fondest memories (and ongoing interactions) with our kids is when someone sees something or thinks of something that reminds them of the other person and then sends a text about it to the “family chat.”
I think living away from home defines “going away to college” more than the specific distance; whether an hour or across the country, a kid can be completely away. Living independently and becoming self reliant is the objective, regardless of the distance. If you have “never left the farm,” then experiencing another area can be good, but being a well traveled young person accomplishes the same thing. I don’t believe staying in one different place for four years opens your eyes to vast cultural differences, again, unless you have never left “the farm.”
We know two kids that went to the opposite coast for college, one transferred after a year after all the required drama to do so. Ok, so that happens, but the other, and here is a con for such distance…the other regrets going to the other coast for college because he made all his friends and job connections there (and had offers) but knew he didn’t want to live there post graduation. When he came home, west coast interviewers didn’t see his “prestigious” east coast school as prestigious as they did on the east coast, so he went back for some additional coursework, and eventually started working. He wishes he would have stayed more regionally (same coast) and made his connections and more friends where he always intended to live. btw, this kid had traveled a lot in high school, so didn’t need the “different culture” experience, he went for scholarship, which he thinks wasn’t worth it in the end. Just his opinion…
Also, I have seen kids go super far because they get caught up in the location sounding cool or dramatic (parents too frankly), not because they truly have a fascination with an area or have a great fit at the school. When college plans are based on what impresses the neighbors, it can be a bumpy four years.
