This is more of a vent than anything, wondering if any parents feel the same…have similar experience…It has been a long time since I attended college and grad school…but I don’t remember it being a painful process.
My daughter, is seriously 10 times smarter and harder working than I. She has a 3.85 GPA, 6 AP classes, SAT of 1820, works part time, volunteers, on varsity athletics, her senior year so far did not take the late arrival or early dismiss, instead took full math and science load, including AP calc, got a 4.0 her first half, has literally given herself an ulcer. And has been deferred or rejected by most Universities she has applied ( a couple were ‘Ivy League’ which no one should waste their money on), but 3 were state schools) except my alma mater. She is crushed, I am baffled. She is going to attend the same University that I attended…but wow, really?
It can be a shocking and painful process, especially for kids who are used to succeeding and maybe have never been turned down for anything in their lives. There is a lot at work here, including the sheer volume of kids who are applying to college these days. There just isn’t room for everyone who is qualified. You don’t mention which state schools she applied to, but some of them are extremely selective (UVa, UNC Chapel Hill, UMich). The great news is that she’s going to college. If she’s as smart as you say, chances are she will do very, very well at your alma mater. And that is more important than the prestige of the school on your bumper sticker.
Perhaps she didn’t apply to schools that were a fit for her? If she wasn’t a fit for the school, the school probably didn’t think she was a fit for them either. Or she aimed a bit too high. Hopefully she enjoys her college.
and it cost probably 10 times more too. I know I would be rejected from the school I graduated from if I applied today. The level of competition has grown as much as the price.
I assume, based on your previous posts, that she will be attending Michigan State. If so she is going to a great university as you well know. We just finished the process for our youngest D and are done with the application, selection, financial aid for freshman year type stuff and I for one am glad. I liken it to teaching your children how to drive. They have to do it but it can drive you crazy. Things may not always work out the way you want them to, life is like that, however, she can do amazing things in the next 4 years and the disappointment will soon be forgotten.
It has changed alot . . . I skated through high school and college mostly. Still did OK. I feel like my son works much harder than I did.
We’ve had good luck with apps, but we didn’t shoot for any Ivies or elites. We’re upper middle class and not going to qualify for need based aid, so we didn’t chase a $200K+ bachelor’s degree.
You are not alone. It’s come up here before and in real life. Most of us probably took the SAT once, applied to very few schools and had much fewer EC’s. Like you, I’ve commented (on more than one occasion) that my kids are smarter than I was and work harder than I did in HS.
It seems that you and your D have posted on CC from the same account? Different SAT scores noted, as in one place they were noted as being 1950. Were CDS consulted before applying what appears to be some unrealistic schools (Ivy)?
For many of us, this is the first time that our kids have worked hard but not gotten the results they (or we) wanted. It hurts, and we parents are usually more hurt and angry than our kids. Your D should accept a spot on any waitlists where she would definitely go if offered a place, but best to begin to love the one that loves her. It’s a little like being dumped by a boyfriend: she’s entitled to a few days of eating chocolate and mourning what she’ll miss by not attending the schools that rejected her, but then it’s time to put those rejections in the bonfire and move on. You can help by affirming her worth (not dependent on her college acceptances) and helping her focus on all the wonderful things about your alma mater.
Times have changed. From little I recall of high school in my small town, all of us just take “English” or “Biology.” I don’t remember ANY AP,IB, etc. I do know there were a few honors sections, but it would’ve never in a million years occurred to me that I had to take all of them. I played a varsity sport, was on the newspaper staff and didn’t even think of volunteering anywhere other than an occasional community spirit day. I didn’t care about “finding my passion” and working so hard at my interests as to show “depth and leadership.”
I am thankful for CC. Otherwise I would’ve thought my DD who has great rank, decentish test scores and a few good ECs was all that and a bag of chips. I mean…she does SO much more than I ever did. I’ve learned she IS a great kid, but unfortunately one of many many many great kids.
As others have noted, the standards have changed dramatically over the year as there are more and more applicants to college. For example, my SATs got me into Wharton in my day… now they are about at the average for the business school at Fordham (certainly no offense is meant – my S went to Gabelli at Fordham, we all loved the school – I used it it an example because I just happen to know the stats there).
You should congratulate your D on a job well done. Recognize that if she did not do very well in HS that she would likely not have got into your college. Enjoy being an alum of your D’s school. Do everything you can to make her feel proud to go there.
Learning how college admissions had changed over the years was the most valuable thing I learned here on CC when my oldest graduated high school in 2008. It is an eye-opener for those of us who had no clue! I hope your D will be happy where she is attending; most students are, but like Todd87 said, there is always the possibility of transfer.
Did you look at test score ranges for last year for her colleges before she applied? She sounds like she has a lot of good qualifications, but her SATs are quite low for any Ivy or top publics. If she is really unhappy, she can take a gap year and work on her test scores, then try again. Or craft a new list that is more aligned with her scores, and maybe includes some test optional schools. Or move forward as a Spartan.
Those SAT scores put her in the bottom 10% if not lower at any Ivy. She would have to have something extraordinary to offer to get over that.
There are many students who are viable candidates to Ivy League schools, and for them, while chances may still be low, they are at least in the running.
@intparent is right: she sounds like a great kid, but she didn’t have the stats to be a realistic Ivy candidate. Luckily, if she got into Michigan State, as suggested above, she’s going to a fine university with a national reputation.
But I feel for you. It’s tough to feel that schools don’t appreciate your kid, when you see how wonderful they are.
@erdockw I agree with others who’ve posted here. It’s not a situation where “one false step and you’re on the street.” If it is indeed MSU that she will attend, there are many choices to make about majors and programs. International programs (study and travel abroad) are superb at MSU. Let’s talk about what your daughter plans as a major.
@erdockw it is totally a-ok with me to vent. I love it because then I don’t feel alone. Our problem is my D is getting in but the cost is just to high. This is where everyone chimes in with did you run the NPC? Does she have a safety? Do you realize how competitive scholarships are? Yes and yes and yes. But we were playing the odds and hoping for a better scenario than we got. And yes, it will all be fine in the end. But right now it is not fine for our kids and because we love them so damn much makes it not fine for us.
Seems like I post a version of this every year for the parents of seniors but these threads make me so sad:
Guess what- your kid is hurting now (didn’t get into “Dream School” or got in and you can’t afford it; or some version thereof.) The best friend- who is lazy and a moron got into the school your kid got denied from. The ex-BF whose parents live the high life and go skiing in Aspen over Christmas and spend Easter in Aruba is getting a huge need-based aid package from HIS dream school because his folks own a cash based business and can show a loss on their taxes. Or the “nice but not special” kid in homeroom is going to a college your kid couldn’t even apply to- but the not special kid is an Olympic caliber athlete and had colleges throwing money at his feet.
Give yourselves 24 hours to wallow, and then take a ceremonial walk around the block to end the agony. This is NOT the last disappointment your child will face. But it may be the last one under your roof, and how YOU handle it, is going to become the template for subsequent disappointments-- and dare I say it- tragedies- that your child is going to face in adulthood.
The dream job goes to someone else. The departmental fellowship that the Dean says “it’s yours to lose” goes to another student who submitted a better paper. The fiance breaks off the engagement after you’ve signed a contract with a caterer. The house your kid has been saving for-- the only one in the desired neighborhood that she can afford- turns up from the inspection report as having lead paint, asbestos, and a leaky oil tank.
And throughout it all- the dumb kid from English class gets a Federal Clerkship (how the heck did that happen?) The fat kid in math class loses 50 lbs and gets a role on a TV sitcom- not as the chubby best friend but as the star. The kid across the street who was such a slacker in HS he never even took SAT’s invented an APP and sold it to Google and just bought himself a house in Key West and doesn’t ever wear shoes.
YOU need to model- right now- how to handle the disappointments that come along with life. YOU need to help your kid get past the “why didn’t I get in” or “Why can’t we afford it” or “Why HIM?” that happens at this time of year.
Some day- long in the future- something very sad will happen to your kid- you will pass on- and your kid will mourn and suffer grief and howl at the moon. And it will be very powerful on that day and the years to follow when your kid misses you like crazy that he or she remembers how magnificent you were in handling the sadness and disappointments of senior year. And your kid will remember the walk around the block and think, “I sure hope I can put life’s disappointments into perspective like my Mom and Dad did”.
And you will know that your job as a parent still continues, even after you are gone.