Question about visiting, dorm facilities, etc. [VASSAR]

Parents Forum
1

I apologize ahead of time because I know this will be long.

My niece will be attending Vassar college in the 2018/2019. We are very excited to hear this because Poughkeepsie is a city that both my husband and I consider our hometowns (husband is born and raised). We are extremely familiar with the area and still have family on his side located there.
My niece, however, hasn’t been to Poughkeepsie since she was about 8 years old (I was in the hospital) and remembers virtually nothing. She choose this school because she liked the academic options, described college life and atmosphere and the ability to have someone near by to call on in a serious emergency (his family would be there for her).
But also because my husband and I are in the process of buying a second home there. Currently, we live in Florida. We miss his family and the Hudson Valley dearly. Anyways.

My niece has extreme social anxiety, is a sexual assault survivor and hasn’t really wandered off from her mother’s nest more than a weekend. She has lived in the Chicago area the majority of her life and hasn’t traveled much. Her personality and overall “vibe” would mix well with Vassar, in my opinion and I think she will excel there.

For perspective I want to say that I am “the cool aunt” (ha) and I’m only 11 years older than her. She talks to me about everything from shared music taste, to boys and sex and her friends drama. I’m a voice of reason in her life and I also dealt with many of the same anxiety symptoms she has when I was her age. I “get” her.
All mental health mumbo jumbo aside, she’s a well-rounded girl who is extremely smart, creative, kind and responsible. I know this school will help her blossom and make life long friendships. This will be a wonderful opportunity for her and I am extremely proud of her acceptance.

Now, we are still up in the air about how often we will be using our second home, as we intend to extend its use to other family members for visiting her/vacation etc. All I know for certain is I will be seeing her more than her mother can and that I want her to thrive and gain some independence while giving her the option of escape or help if she truly needs it.

I have three major questions to ask:

1.) Should I give her the keys to our new home?
I trust her and her judgment (plus I will be installing an extensive camera system for security reasons = no parties). Is having a place to take a real shower, chill with friends alone and wash her clothes a really bad idea? I know she can’t/won’t be able to sleep there, but I feel like sheltered mom life to tiny dorm might be culture shock to her (as it is with most freshmen)… But I’m not sure how she will handle it. I’m not so much concerned about the “trouble” she could get into or my possessions… But more so would that be “too easy” for someone who needs a serious dose of adulthood?

2.) How often should I physically visit her?
As of right now we have agreed to a once a month check in (her idea) where I take her and her friends from Vassar to a nice restaurant for dinner and maybe do an activity together on the weekend (NYC shopping, a play, etc) before I head back to Florida. I’m fine with this and would welcome the opportunity to visit with his family during that time, so it wouldn’t be me hanging out with her on campus at all and she can blow me off as long as she eats a meal with me one night I’m here. I’m her “sponsorship” for college (monthly allowance, books, dorm stuff, tuition, car, and I will be paying for all her bills) and as much as I want her to be independent, I want to make sure she is alright. I’m sure as soon as she gets into the swing of things this will be MUCH less frequent but am I already overdoing it?

3.) In what state are the showers and laundry facilities?
She is a bit nervous about coed showering (I keep telling her she will get used to it) and their cleanliness. I am concerned about the washer and dryer situation. I looked at the online viewer for the laundry rooms of each dorm (still no housing assignment) and it seems like a lot of them are out of service. Before I even mention or decided on giving her access to my home while I am away, I want to make sure she is set up correctly. If she can’t easily access a place to wash her stuff, it will heavily weigh on my decision to hand her the keys. I do not want her to hang out at any of the local laundry mats in downtown Poughkeepsie. Like I said, we lived there. Areas around Vassar can be dangerous.

Thank you for reading this extremely long winded post and I look forward to hearing your honest replies.

2

I would think the best thing for a person with social anxiety would be to immerse fully in college life and find supportive friends on campus. There are thousands of students at her college. They all manage to do laundry and shower just fine, and she will too. Have confidence in her ability to cope and she will do it.I would be very cautious in offering an isolated off campus escape; it would be an easy crutch and may actually exacerbate her anxiety and social isolation.

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My D did an overnight visit at Vassar. She was initially surprised by the coed dorms. I believe there is a woman only dorm that she could request if she wants.
Personally I think you should not even think about your second home and what kind of access you give her. It’s too soon. Let her get to college and see how her first months play out before deciding.

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I agree with @roycroftmom. Dorm living is not that “strange.” I was a kid who had never lived away from home (no camp, etc.) and had no trouble adapting to the new lifestyle. I do think having a “grown up home” might become a crutch. Part of going to college is dealing with a life that is perhaps not quite as comfortable. Good prep for most kids who end up living much more modestly right out of college. And the “co-ed showers” are likely to be absolutely no big deal. Most schools we toured had options (upstairs, other hallway, etc) for those who wanted a single sex option. I would bet that Vassar is the same, but she could ask about it ahead of time to quiet her anxieties.

Also, I think visiting once a month is kind of a lot. Maybe having a dinner out that often is fine, but I think that “trips to the city” are way too much. She should be spending all her weekends getting involved in campus activities etc. My daughter went to college just an hour+ away, and other than breaks we maybe saw her one other time per semester. And that was just to spend an hour or two before a dinner out, or to go see her dance in a performance, etc.

5

Agree that she might prefer to request Strong, the all womens’ dorm. Not sure where your house will be, but unless things have changed, they do not allow freshmen to have cars, so if she would need to go to your house for any reason, she’d have to uber/lyft. Most students tend to stay on/near campus, so what would be the reason she’d need access to your house? And I cannot imagine that the laundry rooms would be inoperable. Maintenance should address that. When I was there, the w/d were int he basement of the dorms. There should be no reason to go to an off campus laundromat.

I would encourage you to let her adjust to campus. Visiting once a month sounds like too much to me. Why dont you let her direct this. Maybe set up one time between the start of school and Thanksgiving to let her show you around campus and you can take her and her friends out to dinner. If you are too involved, she may have a harder time adjusting and managing her anxiety. Good luck!

6

No to giving her the keys to your home. Lots of reasons why it’s not a good idea. Since all posters seem to agree I won’t go into details.

I don’t think a once a month check-in is too frequent. If I lived closer to my D’s college, I would try for at least a quick visit that often. Maybe limit bigger things like a show or NYC to just once the first semester.

Peruse these forums for discussions about coed bathrooms. Some coping strategies have been mentioned above. Another is girls using the showers in groups so as to temporarily create a female only space. At some schools you can hang a sign on the door to indicate gender-in-use or it may be acceptable to post a “guard.” My D is extremely modest but has been fine with coed bathrooms. It usually ends up being a non-issue.

I would not even think of using any laundry facilities other than what’s on campus. If there are in fact maintenance issues, they heed to be reported and taken care of. If it continues to be a problem, that could be something you follow up on, on your niece’s behalf.

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I would aim for flexibility, myself. I think most kids will adjust, but some do so gradually so more contact is helpful in the beginning, like training wheels. Two out of three of my kids hated dorm life and a respite in a family house would be welcome. I don’t think independence needs to be pushed, but the level of family contact needs to be carefully balanced with the need to eventually truly settle in and have a feeling of belonging on campus. There are no set guidelines for this, you just have to go with the flow and see what is needed to achieve that goal.

An aside: when you, the aunt, write that you are the “voice of reason” in your niece’s life, there is implicit criticism of her parents. I don’t know if that is what you intended. I am not sure if you have kids of your own, or what the situation is with your nieces’s own family, but the detailed way in which you are approaching this seems a little off to me.

You are buying a home in the area for your own reasons, right? Just wait and see what your niece asks for or seems to need. No need for this kind of planning and overthinking.

8

We know some current Vassar students. Their parents tell me the facilities are well maintained.

I agree that any access to your home doesn’t need to be addressed other than MAYBE a “when we are here, we would love to see you.”

9

Thank you all so much for your replies.
You all confirmed my overall feelings on the subject.

The visits and frequency of them were entirely her idea. I, too, felt it was a bit much. But I also appreciated the idea to physically see her and ensure she was alright. I guess I need to expand of her mental health a bit.

She suffers from a bit PTSD/anxiety from her assault and odd things can trigger it. She is fearful she will be in a totally innocent shower situation and have a mental breakdown. We have instilled numerous coping skills options and she has had extensive support and counseling in the past two years, but I do not know how many situations she has been exposed to that would really test out those skills. We have already placed a request for Strong house placement(they ask you a 1-10 desirability/willingness to live there) and she has reached out to Vassar to try to find counseling and support in the transition. Unfortunately, as far as housing, there isn’t any “sure things”… So, we wait with baited breath.

Personally, I believe she NEEDS to be a coed dorm. She seems to have better bonded friendships with males in her social life. The more she does something out of her comfort zone and learns to deal with whatever ill feelings she has about those moments, that’s one step closer to ridding herself of these awful episodes of PTSD.

As far as parking goes, it specifies on their website that they provide parking for freshmen as long as the fees are paid. She absolutely needs a vehicle due to these mental health issues. She will be continuing her therapy there. Being alone in a car with a stranger would be extremely triggering to her. I’m also secretly hoping having access to a vehicle will spark her natural desire to be helpful to others and aid in forming friendships she wouldn’t normally seek out. Nothing says bonding like 2am dunkin donuts runs on finals week.

My perspective on the house situation is to wait and see what happens. I believe the answer to all of these questions is feedback from her once she is there. If I’m hearing “my roomates and I HATE the laundry facilities” or I’d really like a bath, I might hand over the keys after a few months. My husband, on the other hand, sees it as someone who can check in on the place and “someone might as well use it while we can’t” kind of thing. He doesn’t quite get it lol.

Thank you all! Anymore feedback would helpful.

10

OP, sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders :). I wonder if the frequency of visits suggested by her comes from a place of worrying “I won’t have any friends, so at least once a month I’ll have a fun activity to look forward to”? So I think at least in the beginning, keep the expectations of that visit pretty light-- just a dinner or a walk around campus. She needs to learn to develop her activities, friends, and interests. I had a long-distance-relationship boyfriend in college, and that similarly got in the way of developing a “life” at my college until I figured that out. You want to ensure this isn’t similar.

I’m sure there are other young women who don’t relish the idea of showering with a guy in the room, and generally these things have a way of working themselves out so that everyone is comfortable.

Best of luck.

11

Why does she NEED a car? I’m sure there are many Vassar students who don’t have cars.

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Thumper1: She needs a car because she will be continuing her therapy. I also want her to have access to one to enjoy the natural beauty and artististic opportunities throughout the Hudson Valley. I’d also like to note that I wasn’t asking about whether or not she should or should not have one. She will have one. I believe as an adult, part of being independent is driving yourself to accomplish daily tasks. I also want to grant her opportunities otherwise unavailable without one. I know this is a priviledge and plenty of students survive and thrive without one. She will have one, however. That wasn’t something part of my question, but thank you.

DonnaLeighG: Thank you very much. In part, yes, I do want to be a lifeline to her while she experiments with freedom and adulthood. I’d also like to point out that I am far more familiar with the area and campus than she currently is. I’m looking forward to have her give me a tour from her eyes. I’m also “that” aunt. I tend to be the one to extend fun opportunities to my nieces and nephew that her single mother could not afford. This includes college.
I think she is fearful of being outcast by her mental health issues (and from what I remember of Vassar, she is in good company when it comes to assault survivors and people with anxiety. She will find her people.) and I also think she believes this will be more of a social issue than it truly is. She is social, though at first shy, but will find numerous friends. I am confident in that. She just isn’t on the same page, yet. I think by Thanksgiving she will have her social circle and won’t “need” my visits anymore. And I am absolutely OKAY with that. I love my niece to death, but part of being an adult is dealing with life even if you have a closet full of demons. I had to do it and I wouldn’t have thrived unless I was placed in an environment that forced me to face my problems instead of hiding from them. I keep telling her that she is a survivor, not a victim, and that her mental health issues do not define her. She needs to figure that out on her own, though. I want to give her a headstart, not a crutch.

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I have a daughter at NYU and I live an hour away. I leave it entirely up to her how often I visit. Her freshman year, we didn’t visit until Family Weekend. Since then, she needs a fix of our dog pretty frequently (oy, kids and their dogs) so I drive down every 2 or 3 weeks so she can walk him in Washington Square Park and get me to buy her groceries. Leave it up to her, but just make sure she knows that if she texts you and needs you, you’ll be there. I hope she’s very happy at Vassar!

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I agree that she should be welcome to contact you…and visit…when you are there. It’s very nice that she has that connection.

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Re:post #11: Apologies for being direct, but I would encourage you to let this be about what she wants, not what you want.

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Compmom: My statements about my relationship with me niece can, in fact, can be related back to the established relationship I have with my sister’s three children. My sister is extremely hand off (they do whatever they want), relies heavily on the financial support of others and doesn’t believe college is a great idea. I am not expressing information her she would not agree with. She is a bit proud of her careerless financial situation. She also sends her kids my way when they have issues because she “can’t deal with them” or simply cannot find the time because she spends most of her time away in a different city from her kids. My mother lives with her and is the primary care giver to my sister’s children. I am close to my sister and I love her dearly, but we are not eye to eye in opinions on how life should be. She is more than accepting of my place in her kids life (and I accept who she is), as well as my financial backing of both their necessities and luxuries. My nieces father hasn’t been a part of her life since she was 5 years old. Trust me, if I didn’t love these children as my own, I would not be in this situation. I am truly enabling my sister to do whatever she wants to do without much repercussion. The unfortunate part is the children would suffer if I wasn’t. I am not willing to do that. I provide for her children as if I had my own kids. I just also have my own career and life with my husband, so I do it from a distance. This has worked well in terms of the relationship I have with my family.

As far as the home goes, we had already began house hunting prior to her even filling out college applications. While I do believe my familiarity with the Hudson Valley and Vassar itself influenced her somewhat (mostly because of my expressed good memories), the home purchase in the area has absolutely nothing to do with her. She choose Vassar because of the schools academics and social life. Both of which she wanted. She also got accepted to the college (Flagler) in my current Florida city, as well as some west coast schools (Pepperdine, Reed) among others I do not remember. We want a second home in Poughkeepsie because of our desire to see my husbands extended family more often and we miss things like trees… and elevation. While we love the beach, we miss New York.

And I totally agree with you about going with the flow. She is very plan-orientated and wants a set schedule before she moves in. I am not capable of doing that at this current juncture due to scheduling on my end, but I think having a basic “plan” will ease her anxiety some. If she knows I’m coming in October, lets say, she has a “goal” to shoot for if things are rough.

17

I think I’m coming off as “I’m doing all of this without the expressed desire or consent of my niece”.
I am not. I’m trying to reel back from her desires and wants and figure out the true “needs” here.

The needs are:

Laptop
Car
College Tuition
Books
Independent living expenses (cellphone, medication, insurance, small amount of spending cash for fuel and off campus food)

My visits are part of HER wants. I am just willing to do them because I love her and enjoy spending time with her.
But I do not want to do something other people wouldn’t advise. I’m channeling the overall expressed desires of my niece here because she isn’t posted this. I do not have children and I have never been in this situation before, so I am trying to provide you with all of the information I can to get some insight on what it is I should do. I didn’t come here with a closed mind and your feedback has been extremely helpful.

18

Will your niece be attending an accepted student’s weekend…or otherwise visiting. You mentioned she had not been to the area since she was 8. Or did she see the school already more recently?

Perhaps you two can make a long weekend of a visit…so you could both see for yourselves what the facilities are actually like. That might be fun…and perhaps can be combined with a house hunting expedition for you.

That might go a long way in easing your niece’s mind…as well as yours…in terms of what is…and isn’t at Vassar.

Also, in terms of student perspective…I believe there is a Vassar specific area on this forum. Often current students answer questions there.

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4gsmom: This resonated so much with me! My niece will be leaving behind a very long cat, and has even hinted at hope that she could house one in my home (NOPE. Super allergic, and I do not want to have her going to the house that often or have to care for another living being while she needs to focus on her studies) but I do plan to travel with my dog so she can have the chance to see her while I am there. This was such a HUGE thing for her!

I am honestly hoping to have a set plan to ease her anxiety and then slowly taper off my physical visits with her.

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NOTE: I apologized for any grammar, spelling or straight up mixed words I have used. My cellphone keeps changing what I am writing. *A very LOVED cat