And yes…apparently a lot of students…including freshmen…have cars on campus at Vassar. From their website:
Thumper1: She has never set foot on Vassar Campus. We already have a visit booked for a weekend in February to “scout” the school and area! She will also be attending the accepted students weekend.
I also didn’t know that there was a Vassar section of the forum. I could not find it. If you have any links to share, they would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/vassar-college/
Here you go! Hope it’s helpful!
It looks like your thread got moved there…and then back here. But maybe if you post a specific question about things like accepted student weekends, or dorms…a Vassar student or someone who has been there will reply.
Things have changed since I attended, but the parking lots are a bit of a walk from the main part of campus.
Your niece would do well to register here and chat with other students (current and rising) in the Vassar forum and surely she will join the Vassar freshman Facebook page and begin to establish relationships.
Thumper1: Thank you SO much! You’ve been a tremendous help!!!
Jym626: Yes, the parking lots are a very long distance away from most dorms and the hub. While inconvientant, yes (I’ve read other students complain or state that they didn’t return with a vehicle the next year of attendance as a result), I want to give her the opportunity to explore the area if she chooses and to have the ability to go to her doctors appointments without stressful ride scheduling.
Is she comfortable walking to the lots? They probably still have security who will accompany her but they will likely be male.
Just a suggestion, but since you do not have children yourself, it is something to consider. Your niece will want to fit in the first semester. She likely will not want to beseen as “That girl” among the other students. However well meaning you are, the wealthy aunt flying in often to rescue her from the horrors of school laundry won’t help.
“My visits are part of HER wants. I am just willing to do them because I love her and enjoy spending time with her.”
I think many posters here are missing the part where the OP (Aunt) is not suggesting these things - her niece is.
OP - PTSD is a very serious issue and I applaud you for looking out for your niece. She is NOT a typical student making a transition from college to home and will probably need more support than other students.
To those who are putting the OP down for wanting to do what’s best for her niece, you are not being helpful. Many students would be lucky to have someone like the OP in their life. It is clear the niece gets no support from her mother financial or emotional. The other students don’t have to know that her aunt flies in just to see her. She can say her Aunt splits time between two homes, so sometimes she’s here and sometimes she’s not. She’s footing the bill so she wants to make sure niece is on track thus dinner once and awhile. I think that explanation comes off fairly normal.
This aunt is about 29 or 30 years old if she is 11 years older than the niece. Given that, she is taking on a lot of responsibility for this niece. But then…any one of any age would be doing the same. This is a very very generous giving of both time…and some money (hoping the niece got some of Vassar’s very generous need based aid…and the Aunt is helping with the balance).
To the OP…You are a good support system. I think you need to figure out where the line in the sand is. Be there for support when necessary… but also make sure there is enough not being there that this student develops her own life, supports, and friends at her college.
One of our kids went to college across the country…near were one of my very good friends lives. That friend was like her college surrogate parent. For the first semester, our friend reached out to our kid about once every six weeks or so and took her to lunch or dinner. Nothing fancy or long and drawn out…just a time to get together and catch up. This friend was also there when we needed her for a health emergency, and we appreciated that as well. As time went on, our kid still saw this friend…but did so less and less often. They still keep in touch. I’m sure your sister (that’s the nieces mother…right) will be appreciative that you can be there if needed.
Jym626: She isn’t so much concerned about being outwardly attacked by someone (she knew her attacker extremely well and though it was traumatic, it was not a violent ambush type situation.) She drives and does her own tasks (work, school, friends) in Chicago without much issue and has been taking AP college courses on her local community college. She is used to having to “fend for herself” and be aware of her surroundings while remaining calm. I may be portraying her as a much less well-adjusted young adult than she actually is. I would be more concerned about the walk in those negative number winters NY has more than anything. Plus I know the “blue phones” are everywhere (emergency dispatch phones) and basically light that walkway up.
Sahmkc: My niece has always had social anxiety to some extent but this has been exacerbated by sexual assault. The lingering results lead to the diagnosis of PTSD and she has been in extensive group and private therapy on the subject essentially from the moment she came forward about the attack. Legal action was taken and she was mentally prepared to stand up to the offender in court, as task that wasn’t an easily overcome feat. She is resilient and when given the appropriate tools, she can handle most situations. I am proud of her progress and look forward to continuing to see her thrive and receive support. Thank you so much for both your defense of me and your kind words. I reached out to this forum because I know for a fact that I am not the only person having to face the tasks of sending a young adult with mental health issues into the college lifestyle. Everything else was just my pure curiosity of “what would YOU do?”.
Thumper1: I am 29 years old. I have been providing financial assistance to my sister’s children in some form ever since I joined the work force at 17 years old. Prior to living in New York and Florida, I lived in the household with them from her birth up until I reached 17 years of age and left for college myself. I raised these kids in some regards. In regards to my financial assistance, as I stated before, I provided even when I held basic minimum wage jobs because I saw a gap in their care that needed to be filled. I do not (and never have) felt burdened by this. I now have a very successful career and with that success it has afforded me the ability of giving back more. I want them to have what I never had, as any parent or family member most like would. You are so right about that.
Roycroftmom: I get what you’re saying and I do not necessarily disagree with you. I don’t want her to be “that girl”… However, when contemplating the offer of giving her access to my home, I in no way stated or really implied that I would fly up at her every beckoning call- I have a life and am happy dealing “tough love”. It was more “come and go as you see fit”. While I want to make her life easier, I do not want to be overbearing, as that has never really been my intention or desire. While, yes, I am the wealthy aunt who has the ability to come and go as much as I’d like… I do not want to be that person. If I need to be, I will be, per her request. I do not want my investment into her future to be squandered by aiding in her overall distaste in the simple comforts of home. I just want to make sure the machines work. While some might say “She’ll get over it”… they’re probably right and she should under normal circumstances. However, I am going to do everything in my power to ensure her success without sufficating her socially and taking away her ability to succeed as a capable, independent adult. She unfortunately is at a disadvantage in the current juncture due to her assault and that has compounded her anxieties.
As others have mentioned, we aren’t terribly distanced in age. This has awarded me the ability to fluidly go between being a friend while still enforcing parental knowledge and guidance. Its a fine line to walk and I’m just trying to find the correct path to take. It seems overall reactions I have received have been either “take a step back” (my initial gut feeling as well) or “slowly wean her off of her desire to need you as much” which will most likely be my course of action. As far as the home access goes, I’m still undecided if I ever will hand her the keys. But as of right now she needs to figure things out for herself without having the ability to take the easiest, isolated route. So, if down the line the situation arises where I believe her overall college experience wouldn’t hindered (and perhaps, would be enhanced) by having access to the home, I’ll do it.
After speaking to my husband, he plans to have the doors electronically coded so that you do not need a key to access the home. This gives us the ability to change our passcode remotely as many times as we would like. He suggested that perhaps have her “check up on the house” once a month for us, and that would give her a day to herself in the house to do laundry, take a bath and spread out in a larger bed alone if she wanted. Any opinions on this?
I’d also like to state that I will not be her only emergency contact in the area. While I would drop everything and fly up at a moments notice if an emergency would arise, my husbands family is in the area as well. While my niece has never met these people before, they would be available to her if she (God forbid) had a serious emergency that required immediate assistance. I’m trying to let this fledgling adult take her first leap of faith while still trying to create a safety net around her in the event of worst case scenarios. I most likely will not have to do this with her younger sister or brother (they’re 10 and 13 right now) when it time for them to go to college, but due to her situation I want to ensure her safety and mental health while she makes this important transition in life. It’s hard for someone inexperienced like me to make these calls without asking someone else “Am I doing this right?”. I don’t have the luxury of coming from a well adjusted home where I can reflect on my own parent’s choices in these matters. I’m a planner in a general sense and I don’t like flying by the seat of my pants, so to speak, so I am extremely grateful for everyone’s input. I do not take forum posts personally, so those who felt I needed to be defended are much appreciated but I take no offense in their statements. Their points are all great things to consider.
Your niece is very lucky to have you in her life and providing support in so many ways. I hope she has a great college experience and I’m sure she’ll find other like minded students who also have their own struggles. My daughter is a freshman at Vassar (also deals with anxiety) and has had some challenges adjusting to dorm life. We are in the process of changing her over to the women’s dorm. The coed bathrooms were a non-issue for her and she has a number of male friends. However, the dorm just wasn’t the best fit for her socially and she had trouble handling the late night partying (probably not more than any other college) and loudness in her dorm. I thing she will do well with the change. Be aware that if you want to try to ensure a certain dorm or room situation based on her diagnosis, ask her psychologist to write a letter documenting her need for a particular dorm/room. You can submit it to the office on campus that deals with disability accommodations. The laundry facilities are fine - some washers/dryers occasionally don’t work, but are in line with the hassles of daily life that we all have to deal with.
It sounds like you have good ideas about challenging your niece a little to grow and develop in this new situation and deal with challenges while also providing her with support as needed. I would suggest going to parent/family weekend, which is about a month after move-in, then see her over October break or soon after, and then play it by ear based on how she is doing. While going out to dinner once/month is great, she will likely be very busy with activities and studying (my daughter had 4 classes and 25 books in the fall!). I also liked your idea of her making friends by having a car so she could occasionally help people out - I know my daughter has greatly appreciated a few rides she has received.
Having some access to your house to get a break, “check on the house” or just chill might be a good idea. I would suggest waiting a little while until she is really settled before offering that. Hopefully she will be so busy and having fun that she won’t really want to go there much.
Also, the adult house advisor who lives in my daughter’s dorm has a cat! So, when she has been missing having a pet, she has been able to go there for a visit to cuddle with the cat. Best of luck and feel free to PM me for more info. or anything else needed.
It’s been a while since we visited Vassar, but it was by far the nicest, cleanest, most kept up campus we visited. My son would actually have preferred something a little shabbier! Honestly as a student, I would have found it onerous to feel obliged to go check up on a relative’s house. I know you see it as a favor, but I’m not sure it would actually feel that way. I went to college not to far from a favorite Aunt and Uncle they took me (and often a friend) out to dinner once or twice a semester. I always really enjoyed it. They got to eyeball the boyfriends and presumably passed on soothing info to my parents who were stationed in Africa at the time. I’d say set up that first dinner now if you like, but suggest she finds out what her schedule is before setting anything else up.
It sounds like you have a good plan. I understand the need to decompress from dorm life, perhaps at your home, but I prefer my daughter find a quiet spot on campus. There is almost always an obscure library or meditation spot or chapel where she can be alone but not really isolated. I’m not sure I would want isolation for anyone with psychological issues, particularly in a period of transition. Too risky
@elena13 Thank you wholeheartedly for both your encouragement and your personal experience!! Your daughter sounds a bit like my niece in some regards. I am so relieved and happy to hear that the laundry facilities aren’t an issue. She’s a bit of a neat freak and I know for certain if washing her clothing “in-house” was a difficult task to accomplish she would either find a laundromat (which I do not want her to do) or start hating dorm life. I just did not want to start her off on the wrong foot. Her opinions on this short of party-type behavior can vary greatly based on the people she gets comfortable with. While a partying floor might be great if she’s in on the action, she would HATE it if she didn’t like said partygoers or felt left out because she didn’t know how to get involved, so that is something to deeply consider. Unfortunately it seems she will need to find out for herself. As far as family weekend, I have already cleared that week off of my schedule for traveling. I am looking forward to seeing what progress has been made in the short time she has been there. The monthly dinner plan isn’t set in stone as of yet, but it is her idea. I added the “and bring your Vassar friends” part because I wanted to also treat the people she becomes friends with to dinner and to also not make her so outcasted by the dinner (“I have to go meet my aunt for the monthly dinner…can’t do XYZ”)… but I do HOPE she gets too busy to actually fulfill this current agreement. I want her to be so entirely immersed in college life that that really is all she has time for me anymore. That would make me incredibly happy.
So, from your perspective you can see the benefit of having an “away from college” safe, adult space to play house in for a day? I really appreciate your feedback. That was one of the many feeling I have had on the subject. Social anxiety can be exhausting when you are forced to constantly coexist with other people- whether you absolutely love or loath them. My thoughts were along the lines of that thought process. But I still don’t know for certain what my total plans are. I’m still hoping for more opinions and feedback.
As far as her psychologist writing her a note, she is on the fence about deciding to go to the entirely female dorm, but it is absolutely something to consider if she makes up her mind (in time). How many roomates does your daughter have and what house is she in?
Thank you, again, for all your feedback!
@WMichaelson: What you have done for your family is certainly commendable. What some parents are suggesting is to consider being mindful of ways to be supportive while also being sure to take care of yourself. Everyone wants their college student/family members to succeed. Being a survivor of a sexual assault is horrible, but hopefully she can continue to work on her issues successfully with resources both on campus and off.
You said
that might suggest that if she possibly isn’t afraid of having someone accompany her to the off campus parking lots (she really shouldn’t walk alone, especially in the evening) then perhaps she can work through feeling comfortable taking an uber or lyft or cab, or maybe you still have contacts in town who might like to make a little money providing transportation and be a familiar driver she can call on. Unless she was attacked in a car by the known assailant and being alone in a car with a male (presumably) is one of the triggers, she might be ready to work on transportation options. She is fortunate to have the option of having a car as a freshman, but there can be other alternatives. She doesn’t absolutely NEED a car. Its a nice luxury and while it can provide safety in some respects, it can be a hassle in others. I have vivid memories of digging my car out of the snow in the parking lot, dealing with car maintenance issues, juggling requests by people to drive them places, etc. There are many things that come along with having a car.
You mentioned that you understand anxiety from your own experience. It is just as anxiety-producing to worry about her safety and success, so be sure to stay mindful of your own anxieties so you can separate them from hers. I am saying this to be helpful. Please hear it as such.
It is really hard to believe that the washing machines are in such a state of disrepair in the dorms. It looks pretty easy to report a problem to maintenance. Really, this should not be an issue nor a reason for her to drive off campus to do her laundry. Surely if there is an issue in one dorm, they can arrange to do their laundry in one of the other dorms. These are manageable.
To be honest, I would not recommend you ask her to have to check on your house in your absence. Let her adjust to college without other responsibilities.
You are old beyond your years, but you are 29. We are gently suggesting that there are other things that are helpful to consider as she adjusts to college life. Also, can you clarify— you mentioned your living with the family and then joining the workforce. Have you had the opportunity to attend a traditional 4 year college? If you have, then you can understand the many factors that can help with a successful adjustment to college. With respect to Vassar specifically, encourage your niece to get to know the house fellows in her dorm. Unless things have changed, the dorms have a faculty family who lives in the dorm and is an immediate resource for the students. Its similar to , but not identical to, the residential college system in other schools, but differs because students are not necessarily affiliated with the same dorm all 4 years. If she gets connected with the house fellows, you can worry less about her immediate needs.
Was she and ED admit to VC? Or did she perhaps take a gap year? Was not aware that the schools you mentioned she was accepted to had released admission decisions yet.
** Cross-posted with elena13. Different dorms have different room arrangements. Have your niece read about the different dorm options and she can see what looks most comfortable with respect to the room layouts, etc.https://residentiallife.vassar.edu/residence-halls/ As Elena said, a letter from a doctor can help secure a certain room assignment (even a single, in some cases). Encourage her to create a cc account and chat with current students!
@mathmom It is wonderful to hear Vassar getting such a stellar review!
I do agree that “go check on our place” would be a burden if she felt she absolutely HAD to do it, so I’m still fenced on my position on my approach and decision of access. I guess in all respects I am trying to pulls strings without her ever feeling like I’m babying her, so that is why I proposed the offer in the form of that idea… But you are right, it wouldn’t be fair. I still need to find a way of wording it appropriately, if I do grant her access, that both doesn’t seem like an obligation or being overbearing.
It is wonderful to hear that you enjoyed your visits with your Aunt and Uncle while you were at college. My niece and husband get along famously and tend to share the same sense of humor, so the two of them together is usually a night full of laughter. I’m trying to provide her with a sense of home and family while still allowing for room to grow and make her own choices. The plan for dinner was always going to be based on her schedule. We both never wanted something rigid (I.E. Third friday of each month etc) that would be difficult with our unforeseeable schedules. It is mostly set as “lets try to fit this in” sort of thing as of right now. We will see how it pans out.
@roycroftmom I totally understand your fear in that regard. This has crossed my mind. But I also have to consider who she is as well. My niece actually prefers to be alone most of the time. This will be a new set of challenges for her. When her schedule is clear, she can often be found in her room drawing, writing or reading for literally days on end (with the exception of coming out for food and typical life tasks)… While some might say that describes depression, she is not depressed. She just finds it taxing to interact a lot I suppose. This is something she will absolutely need to overcome. I hope she does find little pockets of privacy on campus to decompress and feel “herself”. Her actually suggested she just live in the house alone full time because of this. Not only is that an awful idea on numerous levels, it isn’t even a possibility, which I appreciate. All students must live in dorms unless given special, written consent to do otherwise. Thank god for that, because I am almost positive she would fail both academically and developmentally if that were the case!
“While some might say that describes depression, she is not depressed. She just finds it taxing to interact a lot I suppose. This is something she will absolutely need to overcome.”
She doesn’t need to overcome it if it’s just her preference and she’s not doing it because she’s unhappy. She’s just an introvert. Although introverts don’t get much press, they’re not uncommon and there’s nothing wrong with them. If she really is an introvert, a single dorm room might be a good thing.
My DH and oldest son are introverts and it’s weird to us extroverts, but really there’s nothing wrong with it and it’s not something that needs to be conquered. Promise. 