Re: access to your house: that doesn’t need to be decided now. If and when you purchase a place, as you said you can set up a remote digital access and the code can be given if and when it’s needed. Asking a college freshman to have some responsibility for checking on your house, especially when your husband has relatives there who can do this, is not a good idea. If she needs access to your house for some reason, she can ask. Otherwise that seems like an unusual boundary issue.
My daughter is an extreme introvert as well, but has managed it very well in college. I am glad she resisted my suggestion of a single-She would never have gone out to meet people but the roomie made her. Now she is quite social.
@jym626 My niece was, in fact, attacked in a car. It is unfortunate. I do agree that walking alone at night is a terrible idea (anywhere). I hope she finds a close knit group of friends that she can rely on to assist her with such needs. I am confident in the student body’s community spirit to aid anyone (her included) in such situations. My Vassar experience has always been supportive and socially aware. I don’t think anyone would object to group outtings.
While I absolutely understand your statements about not needing a car (you’re right in a general sense), this is something both her and I are entirely for in this case. She is from the Chicago area, and it is known for its subzero winters and feet of (solid ice) snow. She already has a car to use there and has taken the full responsibilities associated with owning a vehicle is such a climate (i.e. it just plain sucks sometimes). We weighed these pros and cons together and decided the pain was worth the gain in many regards. As far as maintenance goes, my husband’s family owns a towing company with an auto body attached to it. They’d be my go-to for roadside assistance. The vehicle I have set her up with is a 2017 Mazda C3. It’s got AWD, does great in the snow and has a warranty.
I am now hearing the washing machine issue isn’t an issue at all and I am relieved.
As far as my anxiety goes, I no longer have it. For me, it took growing up and being social. College helped me tremendously with this and I am trying to provide her with things that would have helped me greatly. I did attend a four year college and I worked simultaneously. It was a circus-style balancing act I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but it got me where I needed to be. While I have (what I feel to be reasonable) concerns, I am not hellbent on anything at all. I just want honest input on what others would do. Spit-balling, if you will.
My niece, on the other hand, is in my ear with all of her hopes and dreams for her exciting new college life and I don’t think she fully comprehends (or really can, because she hasn’t experienced it yet) how busy she will be or how little she will want my visits. I’m trying to find a nice balance to start her off with so she has some reliable certainty in a time when everything is still up in the air for her. She seeks stability and plans. I get it but I can only do so much. I just want to know what others would or would not not agree to from a parental point of view. I have little guidance in this regard.
My niece took a gap year and some classes at the local community college. She has had a part time job during this time and has grown immensely in this past year.
Thank you for your kind words. I am aware I need to care for myself, and I do. I have the luxury of working remotely from anywhere in the world, so I do not have the constraints others may when it comes to traveling as I please and can afford. My husband and I are not bankrupting or even harming our finances by making these decisions. As he puts it, I could have worse habits (designer handbags etc.) that other women in our tax bracket that could cost significantly more. I might seem intense or passionate in what I say, and to a degree I am, but I think I’m a lot more “go with the flow and see what happens” than I am actually coming off as. Like I said before, I’m just seeking community input. Thank you.
Yes, freshmen live on campus. Regardless, a simple, delicate“no, that’s not an option” to the idea of living in your house is sufficient.
@milee30 She is absolutely the definition of an introvert. I do not think anything is wrong with her or her introvert lifestyle, but I do believe she will be challenged in a college situation. It is a good thing, I believe. She is exactly who she is and will find her own path in regards to how much “social exposure” she wants. I’m looking forward to seeing how it all pans out! I, myself, am a “weirdo” as well and have always gravitated towards the “weirdos, loners, introverts” crowd so I fully understand their desires to have solitude. I am a middle of the spectrum type of person. I love being a social butterfly but I also love my days alone. I can see from both sides how the other party looks “weird”.
@roycroftmom This was my exact concern when it comes to requesting a doctor’s note for dorm placement. I think it would be beneficial for her to be outside of her comfort zone a bit so she can make great connections that she wouldn’t neccessarily seek out if she had a single bed room.
@jym626 My post got cut there! HER MOTHER suggested she live alone in my house. Not her! I chuckled and said “Yeah, not going to happen, sorry.” A lot of the house-related conversations haven’t really been presented to my niece because I am so undecided on the subject and I do not want to take her on the roller coaster that is my decision making process relating to it.
@jym626 I’d also like to note that the home is in escrow and the current owners are in the process of vacating. We will most likely be able to move in (fingers crossed) by February.
Enjoy your new home. But winterize it and enjoy St. Augustine and environs. The weather is nicer at Flagler, and the dining hall and library are reminiscent of a Hogwarts scene, from its hotel days gone by, but Flagler can’t hold a candle to Vassar. But you know that. 
Flagler’s architecture, tiffany glass windows and campus grounds are part of the reasons we moved to St. Augustine. God, I love it here. It’s beautiful, peaceful and warm (though I am a bit bitter about the current weather. Everytime I read the forecast I tell my husband “I want my money back” from those who told me it never gets below 60! Ha!) plus I have the luxury of being near many large cities (Orlando, Daytona, Gainesville, Jacksonville) while still enjoying a small town. If you ever have the chance, get down here during the holiday for the “night of lights” downtown… spectular! Anyways, thank you so much for your kind words and advice! You’re extremely helpful.
Side note: I’ve already laid down the plans for his cousin to go winterize the house for us when the purchasing process is over…I’ll be up there in February but it will be brief and filled with Vassar related stuff with her. I’m going to be a “snow bird”, as the locals around here call it. Cold months down here, warm months up there with travel inbetween.
I’ve been following this thread. OP, you mentioned your niece’s name in the last post.
@apraxiamom Whoops! I blew our cover. :-S The good news, I guess, is that on a student chat forum that she is part of already has 5 active (MODERATOR’S NOTE - deleted name) on campus. Urgh, I suck at forums.
Yes it’s beautiful there. Spent graduate years in Gainesville so was lucky to enjoy the area for many years. And visited friends during the holiday season (and the Flagler campus) in Neptune beach. But, present weather excepted, we used to say that there were 2 seasons: summer and Christmas Day. There is something to be said for 4 seasons. You are very young to be a snowbird.
@jym626 I absolutely agree with you on the two seasons, though a few years back Christmas day was above 80! As I have I mentioned in past posts, we miss trees, elevation and family. Over the past few years we have spent a small fortune in boarding up in New York and decided it was time to invest in something that could gain equity rather than line a hotel chain’s pockets. Plus I own a dog and it makes hotel travel a bit more difficult, considering we typically stay for a week or two at a time, several times a year. It was just “time”. I accept my new migratory status.
Definitely suggest your niece register with the Office for Disabilities if she is willing. That can mean housing requests will be honored, for one thing.
My introverted kid had a single and loved it by the way. She is very socially competent but needs a lot of solitude. She is still that way 10 years later. She also hated dorm life. Perfectly normal for some. I have never tried to change her or help her “get over it”: it is her nature and she thrives by listening to herself.
I know your niece wants a plan. Just tell her when you are going to be in town and offer that she can visit with you during visits (not clear on how long you will be in Poughkeepsie). I would think all she would need would be that first visit date- and you can go from there. I don’t think you need to offer the house when you aren’t there.
No offense but to me you come off as quite anxious. Many parents get counseling during this transition, themselves, especially when kids have medical or psych. problems. I think you could benefit from talking with a counselor- much better than a forum. Your family situation needs navigating and with your niece now going to college, there are new situations…
I notice you are responding to every point made which must be tiring No need to respond to mine!
Update on the laundry facilities after talking to my daughter. She said that it can be frustrating at times when certain machines aren’t working but she is usually able to get it resolved. Also, she said that the washers are not good at rinsing out most of the water, so the clothes are sometimes extra wet and need additional dryer cycles - mostly just a hassle and extra cost but not terrible. She was told that her dorm was getting new machines over winter break. Also, she does have one roommate in a fairly small room. I can tell you the dorm in a PM. I like the residential house system and the fellow groups, but the fit just wasn’t for her. I think she’ll be happier in a different dorm (hoping). D sounds a lot like your niece and definitely likes/needs her alone time after a long day or a lot of socializing. She spent almost all of middle school in her room reading and didn’t have social media until senior year.
D said she does walk alone at night when she’s coming home from her campus job (I"m not thrilled about that), but there is a shuttle available and she will probably start taking it during the spring semester due to the cold weather.
I think your idea of keeping things flexible is good. I would probably not bring up the house issue until she has been in school for a month or two. Then if she is seeming like she needs a place to get away occasionally, you could offer it. There are lots of good spots on campus to have alone time or quiet study time, and there are some good restaurants/coffee shop right off the campus in Arlington. Remember that working through potential challenges can be a good learning experience for her, but if something really isn’t working during first semester, it can likely be changed.
@WMichealson first, let me say you are a fantastic aunt. I know you’re happy to do it, but you are going above and beyond for your niece.
The advice I’m about to give is at least partly based on being the mother of a very introverted high school junior with high functioning Aspergers and some anxiety. So, while my son isn’t in exactly the same situation as your niece, there are some similar concerns. I’ve given a lot of thought to what will serve him well wrt residential life. Of course, I haven’t had a chance yet to see if I’m right about everything, but I usually do pretty well figuring out what will work for him.
Your niece should definitely register with the disabilities office. This will be the pathway to any services or accommodations she might need. Hopefully, she’ll never need a thing. But just in case . . .
She should give some serious thought to not only coed vs women’s dorm, but possibly more importantly, room configuration. If she would be better off in a true single, in a two room double or in a single in a suite and if her therapist will write a letter saying she needs it because of social anxiety, the overwhelming likelihood is that she’ll get it. This would likely have to happen through the disability office. I just looked at Vassar’s page on residential life and it says that freshman rarely get singles. I don’t know for sure, but I would bet that that means the only freshman with singles are kid who need one because of physical or mental health reason. I have no idea whether being a freshman with a single sometimes leads to questions about the reason. A two room double or a single in a suite would be more subtle, if that matters.
She’s going to know you have the house. I wouldn’t offer it. From what you’ve said about her, it sounds like she’ll ask if she really needs the break. And if she asks early in the year, I’d suggest urging her to try to stick it out until October break, which is only about a month and a half after school starts. A lot of kids who live in the northeast will go home for October break. Many of them will bring home friends who live further away. In the best scenario, your niece has made a good friend who invites her home over October break. If that’s not happening, that would be a great time for her to go “home” to your house, maybe with a friend or two. And if you and your husband can be there, so that she’s visiting family that would be lovely.
I think you’re doing a great job trying to figure it all out. Finding the balance between encouraging growth and independence on the one hand and giving necessary support on the other is an on-going challenge of parenting and you are bringing an extraordinary level of loving, clear-sighted parenting (because that’s what you’re doing) to this situation. Your niece is lucky to have you. I hope Vassar is wonderful experience for her.
@elena13 After long consideration, that is exactly what I intend to do. Balls in her court. I realized I was trying to have a concrete plan on a fluid situation and that is why nothing worked. For me, if she asks, I probably will say yes but not until she has been there for a few months. I really do not want to encourage her to isolate herself from her college. Personal isolation is fine in terms of her introvertedness, but she needs to be immersed in college life. After hearing of your daughter’s laundry experience I contacted my niece on my husband’s side who lives in Poughkeepsie. She went to Dutchess Community College, so not a Vassar girl but insightful as she graduated last year. She used a place called “We’ve Got Your Sock”. Apparently it’s a pick up/drop off laundry business and I am familiar with the area it is in (LaGrange). I will be offering that if she experiences continuous difficulties. I figure this way, its a bit of a luxury for her so just swinging by my house doesn’t seem like a better idea. It’s about 5 miles from campus and near a Subway (which she loves), so that should be a viable option for her.
While this may not be of much comfort to you, but I can tell you from my own experience as a young woman that I spent many, many nights walking alone in downtown Poughkeepsie. While the Main St. area is far worse, the Vassar area was always a bit more “alive” with students and less riff raff. I never had any issues. That may be why I am not nearly as concerned as other posters about it. Anywhere can get dangerous for a solo female, especially at night, but I always felt like there was someone to ask for help. I will still discourage my niece from traveling alone by foot at night, as any parent should.
I sincerely hope your daughter finds “her people” in a new house placement and enjoys the rest of her time at Vassar. Researching each house has lead me to the conclusion that Strong seems to be the quietest, most harmonious house in the entire campus and will likely be where I request my niece to be placed. Thank you so very much for all of your kind words and personal experience! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me!
@millie210 Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and kindness!
I will be contacting the Office of Disabilities, though after speaking to my niece, it seems this may have already happened. I will have to call them today to discuss this with them. She, and my mother, have already been in contact with them as well as their Counseling Services department about her diagnosis and continuing therapy. I’m in a disadvantage in regards to doing much foot work here, because I am not her legal parent. But I do have a mother (who holds custody) who is extremely helpful when it comes to handling the paperwork and medical aspects of this entire endeavor. I will relay my concerns to her and state a single room or a room in Strong is most suitable for her situation. I’ve done extensive research on each house and it seems as though most have a very close-knit community with excellent house fellows who will encourage and request her participation in both school and house-related functions, so she will be influenced to socialize. You are right about room configuration being far more of an important question than co-ed vs female dorm placement.
My niece seems to accept her situation and is encouraged to speak honestly with other’s about it, so I am not sure if being given a single in freshmen year would make her feel like an outcast or not. I could see her feeling that way. I have previously asked her how she intended to approach the issue of her therapy and bouts of anxiety with other students and she stated that she will be honest. “If they judge me because of it I don’t want their friendship anyway” has been the sentiment I’m gathering from her at this point. While she has a lot to deal with, she usually stands up for herself when she needs to. I guess the “good” news is that it is it can be difficult without knowing her to know when she is struggling with her anxiety, so it might not be something others are aware of.
She will most likely be vocal to me when she really struggles with it, however, so I will have to gauge her stability and overall mental health and make any adjustments I can as we go. I know this chapter for her is a new adventure and will most likely have its moments of ups and downs. I’m ready to support her when she needs it. Thank you again for your kind words and helpfulness.
In regards to others suggestions of my personal mental health, I am absolutely fine. I may read as anxious but in actuality I am a meticulous planner (it is part of my job) and I like to have plans A through Z organized before I embark on any new endeavors. From experience, I typically form my strongest decisions on community based feedback in whatever field I am planning in. It takes a village, so to speak.
While it’s understandable that you want to be hands on, much of what you are doing is really the responsibility of the student to do. Around here the term “helicopter parent” is used. It would be advisable for you to step back from this a bit and give her this responsibility. She has to be able to self adviocate, especially once she enters college.
The research on the dorms, etc. should really be done by your niece. Contacting the school should be done by your niece. As I said, once she is in college, and especially once she is 18, she will need to self advocate. Even if she signs a FERPA form and allows the school to communicate with you, it is often more difficult for the parent/relative once she has matriculated and is of legal age. Please encourage HER to research the dorms and make these decisions. Its her responsibility and her choice.
@jym626 She has done all of her research and is more invested in this than I am. I’m just trying to stay informed as well. While gathering information may seem hands on… I doubt I’ll ever reach helicopter parent status, considering I am thousands of miles away (and have been for over a decade) and speak to her at most bi-weekly (currently more because I am making these plans).
She is (and has) to do the footwork. I’m just trying to educate myself and provide guidance when needed. I do not control any aspect of this girl’s life.
Even if you don’t feel like you are in control of any aspect of her life, she apparently turns to you for guidance, and you are contributing to her educational costs. You may not see your role in “controlling” her life. Let HER ( not you) contact the Disability services office. She should establish a relationship with them and their staff.
She really should visit campus, get a feel for it and the layout. It will help reduce anticipatory anxiety. You might consider answering a question with a question— like “what did you learn about the dorms”? Which did you like, and why? How do you think you should handle that? Etc. It can help reinforce her decision-making so she is less likely to oust decisions that she makes (which anxious people often do). You can lead from behind. It’s like a sailboat- encourage her to be up front with the sails to sail her ship- you can be in the back with the rudder to keep it on course should it start to get off track. These are great tools for her to learn. She may also want to contact the school to see if any of her community college credits will transfer.
As for campus safety- in many college towns, the nefarious characters know where to go if they have any inclination to find a “victim” to assault or rob. Not meaning to scare you. It just is what it is. ITsnot likely she will be roaming around Main St. They tried to update it way back when when I was there, and made it a pedestrian walking area. No idea if its still that way. There was a now long gone Dept store (Maas Brothers) and a great store that sold local far items and bakery items (I forget the name). Some students did occasionally head to main st, but it was to common.