Rant about expectations

College Confidential Community
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I’m a senior applying to colleges and I’m just having a lot of trouble with self-doubt lately.

Does anyone else ever worry about how you compare to other people on CC? Sometimes I just feel like I’m the only one on here that hasn’t won a Nobel prize yet or hasn’t pitched a startup or formed my own nonprofit or saved lives or anything. I’m just not that special. I tried really hard and I do have one publication in my intended field of study and I am an ambassador for a nonprofit in my town, and I have decent test scores I guess, but I feel like it’s just not good enough. It’s too late now for me to do anything incredible, and I don’t have the time anyway. My grades aren’t too hot either. I have ADHD and because of it I feel like I’m a lot smarter than my grades are capable of showing.
I don’t know how some people find the time and self discipline to score 2400s and be valedictorian, and also launch 5 businesses and save the world. Sorry if I’m coming off bitter, I’m honestly just kind of jealous. I’m a really nice person I swear and I hope none of you think I’m a jerk lol

I’m applying to a few top schools and a lot of matches, but I know that I’m up against some kids that are basically superheros. I wish it was acceptable to just be a regular kid nowadays.

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Remember that there are only a few thousand spots at the very tippy top colleges, but there are tons of colleges where you can get a great education besides those. Don’t get down on yourself if you don’t get into your reaches, most people don’t! CC can be pretty skewed. Keep your focus on your own search. If you have matches and safeties that are strong in your major, affordable, and you would like to attend, that is most important. One of my kids attended her safety, graduated Phi Beta Kappa after a great experience there, and has been very successful in a job she got through a former student at her college. Don’t buy the CC hype that you have to target a tiny number of colleges. You need ONE college that works for YOU.

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Thank you @intparent

I got a big scholarship from one of my safety schools and I am seriously considering attending. I really like the atmosphere and it’s really safe. My reach schools are Penn, Columbia, Vandy, and Tufts. My thoughts about my chances kind of fluctuate - some days I feel like I have a decent shot, other days I feel like it’s not even worth applying.
I just don’t understand how these superstars don’t get stressed out. Last year, I got so stressed out by my mediocre ECs that I had to leave school for a month and pursue anxiety treatment. I just wish I could be like those kids.

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Superstars do get stressed out. A few of these so called superstars won’t make it through college. And it is entirely possible that some superstars posting anonymously on a college website may not even be real or posting the truth.

The chance me and results threads are not helpful. Avoid them. Like @intparent said, you only need one college that works for you. For everyone, superstar or not, it will come down to what you do in college and not so much where you go.

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Really, you don’t. They will not necessarily have happier lives than you will. Be self contained – do what will make you happy and productive in the long term. Neither of my kids went to the highest ranked school they got into, and were (are for D2) super happy. Choosing based on what was important to them instead of rankings & what others might think was the best thing they could have done.

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I guess. At the end of the year the principal puts up a list of where all the kids are going to college and I really want to have an impressive name up there, but I know that’s ridiculous to be worrying about

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No. Do NOT worry about that AT ALL. This is a long term, inner game, not a fleeting popularity/prestige moment like that. Some of those people with flashy acceptances will transfer, take a long time to get through college, and/or graduate near the bottom of their college class. They may hate their jobs when they get out, miss out on grad school acceptances because of the tough competition at the schools they attended, and not have time to breathe or enjoy their college experience. Do not get wound up I worrying about prestige. It isn’t worth it.

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S1 also stressed out about what his friends/peers would think about his choice of college. That concern lasted about one month. Once everyone walks off the HS graduation stage in their cap and gown, they move on and never give a second thought about what colleges their HS classmates are at.

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This site is not for the feint of heart.

First of all, it naturally attracts those kids who are incredibly driven in all things academic. But, even moreso, the nature of a message board is that no one can really call you on hyperbole. It’s like a huge combination of all those Christmas letters, where parents brag about Buffy and Cissy, and forget to mention that their son is in rehab for dealing drugs. It’s all unicorns and rainbows here, with only Harvard and Yale being worthy of discussion. Yet the vast majority of the kids on this site, by the law of averages, will NOT be going to Harvard or Yale. Those that get rejected will simply stop posting.

I always joke that I have the only “average” kids in America. Nope, no Nobel prizes here. My kids were the only kids on our block who ever got grounded as kids. They’re the ones who have chores. My 2 older kids have jobs, and started working at 15. (My 12 year old has a little time yet.) My son bought himself a car over the summer, but it’s not exactly a BMW-- its a '98 Jeep Grand Cherokee that is showing every month of its age.

But they’re wonderful people, and I love them with my whole heart.

The older you get, the more you learn is that other people’s opinions and accomplishments are their life. You’re carving out your own path, and that’s all that matters.

Your mom and dad, your grandparents, your teachers, your friends-- they all love you for all the things you ARE. They don’t care about Ivy League schools; they care about all those qualities that make them care so deeply for you.

I lost a close friend to cancer 2 years ago. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you where she went to school. But I can tell you that she was a magnificent teacher-- she had the patience of a saint. She was kind and understanding. She was generous, with her time and talents and emotions. Yes, she had her Master’s Degree-- we all need one to be certified in NY. But, once you get out of the age group you’re currently in, you realize exactly what’s important. And the things that are troubling you right now, though they seem very important to you now, will fade to insignificance in very little time.

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There are so many colleges and universities that are great that people don’t even know exist. That list the principal puts up doesn’t matter a hoot.

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@bjkmom I just want to thank you for your posts. They are thoughtful and on the mark and even make me laugh out loud at times (like the Christmas letter reference above). I’ve only been on CC for a few months and don’t post much but I like to read many posts and yours always seem to settle me. My DD should be receiving two EA decisions this week and I need posts like yours to keep perspective (which I pass along to her). Thanks for taking the time to post in so many threads.

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Thanks for your kind words, @riverboat .

To quote the immortal words of High School Musical: “We’re all in this together!”

Fingers crossed for your daughter.

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So many kids I’m seeing denied from dream school ED are now “questioning the whole plan”…poor kids. In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshaw, “It’s not you, it’s…” the college! It truely is not you.

Look over your app for any obvious issues you may have missed. Ask your GC if you should be worried. Then stick to the plan.

As for the scholarships, you can want a supermodel, but you are going to marry a real person. Think of the $ as the person who loves you back.

I hate all the negative impact this has on the kids. For some, it is their first major disappointment. Which is lucky bc it is a small thing, but it still hurts:(

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@bjkmom ahh I was in High School Musical lol. Thank you all for your support. I’ve been trying to accept that prestige doesn’t matter ever since I started the college process last year, but I still just can’t get over it. I’m also the kind of person who really doesn’t belong in a pressure cooker environment, and I know I can find a place that’s perfect for a person like me… I just feel like everyone will judge me when I try to get a job and they see “Siena College” instead of “Yale University” or something like that on my resume.

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Siena is a GREAT school. I know lots of kids who have gone there and been incredibly happy and successful, both in school and afterwards.

Real life is NOT College Confidential!! Honestly, employers will judge you on the type of person you are, on the knowledge you exhibit, on your “DNA” in terms of willingness to learn, and on so many things BEYOND whether or not you’ve gone to an Ivy.

YOU KNOW you don’t belong in a pressure cooker environment. Putting yourself into one is NOT the right thing for you-- for your grades, for your psyche, for your personal happiness. The fact that it’s right for someone else does NOT make it right for you.

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I’d recommend that you read the book “Excellent Sheep”. (You don’t have to read the whole thing – the first 50 pages or so will be all you need.) It makes the argument that at many of the most competitive schools, the students excel at competing for highly selective positions. They may not want to have those positions, but winning them is what drives them. And a life lived this way ultimately leads to unhappiness for most people. The author (a Yale professor) talks about how this approach to life makes one avoid risks for fear of failure. And in some ways, when the collective consensus is that your goal should be the plum management consulting job, you may feel that being a social worker is wrong and a waste of your degree, even if it’s what you’d love to do.

It is very hard to go through this process and remain true to who you are and who you want to be. Hang in there – If you can do that – and it’s not easy – you’ll have the best odds of being happy.

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Thank you all. I’ve actually heard of “Excellent Sheep” @gardenstategal, I’ll look for it. Do employers really care where you go to college? Will it hurt me too much if I choose a lesser known school? Everyone talks about how the Ivy League helps you make more connections and I feel like I’ll be losing out on all these connections and jobs if I don’t get into a top school.

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To make connections, you need to be the kind of person who makes connections. Most people aren’t. If you are, you’ll make good ones at any good school, including your state flagship.

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Everyone HERE talks about the Ivys.

A surprisingly teeny tiny number of people in the real world ever mention them.

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@anon9362, yes, there are employers who have decided that given their own inability to screen entry level candidates, and the time that they have to devote to recruiting, they’ll let certain schools do it for them. These are firms like McKinsey and Goldman Sachs so if your dream is to work at a place like that without (or prior to) an MBA, it could matter. For the record, the vast majority of people who go to work there do not stay for the long term (due to their up or out practices) and end up back in the world with everyone else. @WasatchWriter is right – people who are good at making connections can do it anywhere, and there are TONS of talented people at state universities. Ultimately, how you conduct yourself on the job (including internships) will be what leads to the next good job and a good career.

Also, if you’re thinking of going to grad school, you may have more money for that if you choose a more affordable undergraduate option. If you’re playing the long game, the opening move may be less important.