rate/ edit my NHS essay Please!! Asap!

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

National Honors Society Application Essay
I am greatly delighted and honored to be part of NHS which started a year ago. The creation of NHS in our school will open up many opportunities for student in YIS to have a greater range for social service available in our community.Joining NHS will allow me to grow as person, and give the ability to help others greatly. I will be a valuable candidate for NHS as I have the capability to set high standard in academics and extracurricular activities. Throughout my high school years I have greatly tried to balance my grades and non academic activities which will help contribute to NHS. So far this year I was able to keep a GPA of 3.8 and participated in four different sport teams.
I have showed great leadership qualities in different teams and school activities. Though I have joined many activities, my grades have been my first priority as that is the basic key to a successful life. I believe the qualities which makes me an outstanding and great candidate is that I have the ability to be a leader when required to take charge. I believe that a leader is a person who is supposed to put in a lot of hard work and encourage others to do so. I alway intend to follow that idea. Along with that as a leader I believe one should listen to other and working as a team to accomplish tasks. I believe listening to others helps a leader make successful decision which benefits a lot of people. As I have been part of sports it has been my responsibility to take leadership when needed and to listen to other for a better of the team. Along with that I am a great public speaker and I love sharing my ideas to people to know their responses . With these qualities I believe I can help NHS help bring a better future for all of us.

Not only in sports but even dancing is where I am needed to be a leader to take in charge of a performance. I have headed many performances from the ones my class have performed to teaching small kids dance steps for their performance. I have been a part of Dance club for a session and help choreograph dance. I have the experience with working with small kids, and this is an advantage to NHS. Teaching and tutoring small kids when they need help will be easy as I have a gust of working with young kids already. It is always important to be patient and nice when teach small kids for them to gain knowledge nicely.

I have a great experience with working new people and getting along as I have met many new people from different grades through sports. I have gotten to meet other people from different teams around Saudi Arabia. I have alway had a open mind which helps be get along with new people easily. I believe getting to know new people will help an individual experience new things in life. This trait will help contribute to NHS as social service is working with new people and helping them. I think it is important to have an open mind when helping others so they don’t feel alone.
I believe the abilities and experiences I have as a student, will make me a strong candidate for NHS. I have greatly demonstrated my qualities in academics, leadership, sports and character necessary to be part of this organization. Working with NHS will benefit me and the NHS group because of the skills I portray.

2

which started a year ago
Why are you telling them something they already know?

The creation of NHS in our school will open up many opportunities
Now you make it sound like NHS hasn’t been created yet.

for student in YIS to have a greater range
*students

community.Joining NHS
*community. Joining

to set high standard in academics and extracurricular
*standards
And when you transition from the vague stuff about NHS to your claims about yourself, that should be a new paragraph.

which will help contribute to NHS.
How?? Why does NHS care about that?

the qualities which makes me an outstanding
*quality

Along with that as a leader
What?

believe one should listen to other and working as a team to accomplish tasks.
*work

successful decision which benefits a lot of people
*successful decisions that benefit a lot of people

to listen to other
*others
Did you edit this yourself at all?

I love sharing my ideas to people to know their responses .
Floating period. And this is all very wishy-washy; give us EXAMPLES (short and specific ones). I’m not going to just believe everything you say about yourself. Everyone tries to look good in these types of things. WHEN have you been a leader? WHEN have you been a “great” public speaker?

Not only in sports but even dancing is where I am needed to be a leader to take in charge of a performance
You need to learn to use commas.

I have headed many performances from the ones my class have performed to teaching small kids dance steps for their performance.
*performances,
*class has performed
Failed parallel structure. The phrase is, “From the ones…to the ones.” You can’t change verbs midway through. A correct example would be, “I have headed many performances, from the ones my class has performed, to the ones when I taught the small kids their dance steps.”

as I have a gust
What???

It is always important to be patient and nice when teach small kids for them to gain knowledge nicely.
*teaching
You don’t need “nicely.”

have alway had a open mind which helps be get along
Did you run this through a spell-checker like Word or Google Docs?That should be the first thing you do, before showing it to anybody. Why make a human waste time on fixing things like leaving the S out of “always”?
*always
*me get along

as social service is working with new people and helping them.
There’s no need to define things they already know.

I believe the abilities and experiences I have as a student, will make me a strong candidate for NHS
Comma not needed.

Working with NHS will benefit me and the NHS group because of the skills I portray.
This whole conclusion is cringey. It’s a lot of repeated I Believe statements and then a clumsy ending. This needs reworked – but you should probably revisit the rest of the essay first. Maybe editing that will give you ideas for a more impactful conclusion.

Overall, this is a rambling letter with numerous grammatical mistakes and a lack of commas where they should be. You can’t afford to make vague claims about yourself here. Assume they know nothing about you; be specific, like you did in the dance paragraph. “Last year, I rallied my team to victory by…” etc. etc.

Also keep word limit in mind, if there is one.

3

Thank You so much for your response

4

Hope you get in! You definitely sound qualified.

5

In addition to Bodangles’ advice, I also suggest these changes.

  • []“The creation of NHS in our school will open up many opportunities… (etc.)”
    This sentence is unnecessary b/c it’s unrelated to the rest of the paragraph.
    [    ] Minor grammar mistakes:
    “So far this year I was able to keep a GPA of 3.8 and participated in four different sport teams.”
    participated --> participate
    “I have showed great leadership qualities in different teams and school activities.”
    showed --> shown
    []“Though I have joined many activities, my grades have been my first priority… (etc.)”
    This sentence is unnecessary b/c it doesn’t have to do w/ leadership.
    [    ] “qualities which makes me an outstanding and great candidate”
    I think you should use either “outstanding” or “great,” not both. Show the readers that you really are a strong candidate throughout the essay, not just with a few adjectives.
    []“I believe that a leader is a person who is supposed to (etc.) I alway intend to follow that idea.”
    Change that sentence to: “As a leader, I always strive to work hard and encourage others to do so.” It’s more smooth.
    [    ] In the 2nd paragraph, “Along with that” is repeated, so you can replace one of those uses with another transition word such as “Also.”
    [] “With these qualities I believe I can help NHS help bring a better future for all of us.”
    Be careful w/ overstatements! It may raise some eyebrows.
    [    ] “Not only in sports but even dancing is where I am needed… (etc.)”
    Change that sentence to: “In addition to sports, I step up as a leader to take charge of performances.”
    In the original sentence, you sound like being a leader is required and someone/something is making you do it. You have to convey the message that you like being a leader.
    [] You repeatedly say “small kids” in this paragraph, but the word “kid” already means he/she is small.
    [    ] “I have gotten to meet other people from different teams around Saudi Arabia.”
    Change to: “I have met other people…(etc)” for flow.
    []“I have alway had a open mind…(etc)”
    Change to: “I always have an open mind” for flow.
    [    ]This sentence is unnecessary: “I think it is important to have an open mind when helping others so they don’t feel alone.”

Final comments:

The majority of the sentences included “I have” or “I believe.” If you use ctrl + f and type in these phrases, you’ll be amazed at how many times you used them. Try to vary the sentence structure. Also, “I believe” is quite a strong statement, and it should be used for the most important points of your essay.

Overall, your sincerity was conveyed nicely. Good luck!

6

Thank You so much! This was great help!