Rate my essay please? <3 :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>I'm a sophomore in high school and I recently began to prep for the SATs! This is my first essay, but it's okay! Be as critical as you want! </p>

<p>Assignment: Can the desire for perfection be disastrous? </p>

<p>Society has changed how one may view oneself. Media has created a new definition of perfection and in modern age, the struggle for perfection has led to detrimental consequences. </p>

<p>In the book Invisible Monsters, by Chuck Palahniuk, the protagonist, Shannon, is a supermodel who fell from grace after being shot in the face. Jobless with no one to turn to, she befriends the manipulating Brandy Alexander. Both Brandy and Shannon ride a rollercoaster to perfection disregarding its harmful affect on themselves. Because Brandy and Shannon seek a career, a house, and a rich boyfriend, they decide to scam real estate agents, befriend boys, and have sex with men from the modeling industry for job opportunities. Throughout her journey for perfection, Shannon explains her loss of identity. She says,"Nothing of me is original, I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known." Later on the book, she sadly laments, " Love me. Love me. Love me. I'll be anyone you want me to be. I can have big breasts and a skinny waist but just love me!" This shows that throughout her adventure for perfection, she loses her self worth and identity which are detrimental consequences for seeking perfection.</p>

<p>In my personal life, there has been a young girl who loved to go on the blogging site, Tumblr.com. When she was first affiliated with the site, she was enamored by how many beautiful people posted pictures of their 23 inch waistlines. However, her enamor began to change into insecurity. Because of media, she began to eat less and had dyed her hair blonde to achieve a certain look that was thought to be the apex of perfection. However, through her longing for perfection, she came depressed and had tried to commit suicide. It was clear that her search for perfection had led to harmful psychological affects. This goes to show that the price of beauty and perfection can lead to unhappiness. </p>

<p>The search for perfection can lead to harmful change in one's perception. Sadly, Chuck Palaniuk's fictional character Shannon, may just be a reality for many modern girls who too, seek perfection.</p>

2

<p>Bumping this lol</p>

3

<ol>
<li>Your writing is awkward. (For example, you should say “people view themselves” instead of “one may view oneself.”)</li>
<li>I’ve heard that you should use at least three examples - it’s a basic five-paragraph essay, so go with that format.</li>
</ol>

4

<p>I have a lot of notes for you, but don’t think that means it was a bad essay, because it definitely wasn’t. And also, when the essay is graded by CollegeBoard, they won’t have enough time to scrutinize it as much as I did, so you may get away with some errors. Out of the several essays I’ve graded on this site yours was definitely better than most so don’t worry hahaha.</p>

<p>Negative notes while reading (not an exhaustive list):
<em>the</em> modern age
You said the word “perfection” 12 times throughout the essay (extremely redundant; express your ideas in different ways so you don’t sound stale)
You said exactly “detrimental consequences” twice (felt redundant)
manipulate —> manipulative
The sex references were awkward at some points (though I’m not deducting anything, I would just watch out for that come the real SAT)
Your second example is kind of obscure/impersonal
life, there has been a → life, there was a
Enamor can’t be used as a noun by itself (“her enamor”)
“because of media” —> “because of what she saw in the media” or even just “because of the media”
apex —> epitome
had dyed —> dyed
came —> became
had tried —> tried (or better yet, attempted)
It was clear —> It is clear
had led —> led
change —> changes
Your essay is about 350 words, so it could be longer. My advice would be to use 3 examples rather than 2.</p>

<p>Positive notes (not an exhaustive list):
Lots of pertinent details in your first example
I really (really) liked your last sentence… HOWEVER I think it could be even better.
Since you’re tying the essay back to your first point, you should also tie it back to your second point especially since it was a little less developed. Also, to highlight that the FICTION is actually a REALITY, I would end up making the sentence:</p>

<p>Sadly, as illustrated by the superficiality that many adolescents derive from sites like Tumblr, Chuck Palaniuk’s fiction is today’s unfortunate reality.</p>

<p>Ehh or something like that…</p>

<p>Continued postives:
Used some precise language
Overall a fairly strong essay (don’t be fooled by how many errors I managed to find lol)</p>

<p>All things considered…</p>

<p>My rating: 4.7/6</p>

5

<p>Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it! :slight_smile: i’ll work on my writing more!</p>

6

<p>This is probably around a 4.5/6?</p>