rate my essay plz

<p>I used the prompt from last December:</p>

<p>Assignment:
Does the way that information is communicated today result in people learning less than ever before? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>Essay:
With the proliferation of internet search engines, such as Google, and the growth of user-edited sources, such as Wikipedia, one thing is certain: information is always at arms reach. We might expect that this increase accessibility in our means of communicating information would breed increased utilization; however, we see that this is not the case. In fact, the plethora of data with which we are bombarded at any given time, actually results in us retaining less than ever before.
This idea of information over-saturation was utilized in a series of advertisements by Microsoft to promote its search engine, Bing. The ads depict someone asking their friend a simple question such as “When are we getting to the beach?” to which they receive a non-sequitorial response about beachwood, and then drifts into an explanation of beach volleyball. The exchange is meant to parody how users often find irrelevant results and get sidetracked when using the popular search engine Google. Despite Microsoft’s implied criticism, Google remains by far the dominate means of finding information on the internet, and indeed we can all relate to the excursions into distraction that it often procures.
While Google demonstrates how new technologies have caused trouble when seeking factual information, the lack of emotions conveyed through instant messaging shows how new technologies have damaged interpersonal communication. Mediums such as Facebook claim to allow users to “stay connected” with their friends through short textual messages. In theory, this would augment our receipt of information. However, IM conversations often substitute phone conversations, and lack the subtleties of voice inflection and emotion conveyed through tone. Moreover, general laziness in typing causes IM conversations to be overly cursory limited to a series of “What’s up?”s and “not much. How bout you?”s. Indeed, this new technology has actually served as a detriment to our acquisition of information.
Clearly, a discrepancy exists between theory and practice when it comes to utilizing technology to receive information. In theory, Google should be an easy way to find facts about whichever topic we please. In theory, instant messaging should allow us to easily communicate with our friends. However, if we wish to benefit from these technologies in practice, it is necessary that we change our methods of utilizing them.</p>

<p>I stopped after finding two awkward phrases in the first paragraph.</p>

<p>actually, three</p>

<p>yah i just noticed i transcribed it on the computer incorrectly. some of the punctuation is messed up and there are errors in the first paragraph.</p>

<p>and also, you sound like a ******.</p>

<p>11/12</p>

<p>It was very well written and the vocabulary usage was top notch…the only problem I found was that within the 1st body paragraph, the example was not very effective imo…I would think that making up a statistic or using a made up (or not) personal statistic would have been better. Just my two cents.</p>

<p>I like the examples you used and the number of sat vocab words in the essay, however I will have to give this essay a 4 since the structure was terrible.</p>

<p>lonelystoner, that is not helpful. could you elaborate?</p>

<ol>
<li>You drift slightly away from the prompt.</li>
</ol>