<p>Prompt: Do changes that make our lives easier not necessarily make them better?</p>
<p>Essay:
Today, technology is constantly created to improve our lives and make difficult task easier. Although this new technology is more efficient, people lose value and appreciation of the task. Despite simplifying our lives, technology has been a destructive force in relationships, self-reliance, and our physical health.
Technology has not improved people's relationship. When Facebook became popular in 2004, many people saw it as an opportunity to connect with people and thus strengthen relationships. Yet in reality people are having relations through a computer instead of face-to-face. Unlike a face-to-face interaction, messaging through a computer can never fully express someone's emotions. Likewise when one communicates through text or Twitter they are trying to articulate how they feel in 140 characters or less, and many times their thoughts and feeling get lost or misunderstood through the translations. Social media has ruined people's social skills.
Advanced technology has made people increasingly dependent on technology as opposed to themselves. Before Google was invented, people had to go to the thesaurus or read a book in order to gain information. Although Google is efficient and easily accessible, many people don't see the value in gaining information. Similarly when Apple created the iPhone operating system called Siri, people became increasingly dependent on the operating system because they didn't have to look up the information themselves. The new technology has caused us to become very reliant on technology.
More importantly, technology is also affecting physical health. Despite the fact that cell phone's are useful, some phone's release radiation which can cause cancer. Furthermore, microwaves are very helpful in preparing food, but can release radiation as well.
In a time when technology is advancing rapidly, it's important to remember whether it is really effective in improving our lives.</p>
<p>4/10. You have a lot of grammar mistakes and it doesn’t flow well.</p>
<p>This has a lot of potential. Unlike most of the essays I see here, you’ve provided actual reasons that substantiate your claim.</p>
<p>However, you might go a little farther in some places. For example, what’s so bad about not having to look up information ourselves? (I see a LOT wrong with it, but it’s your essay.)</p>
<p>Your second body paragraph ends with the statement that “social media has ruined people’s social skills,” but the information preceding this sentence only superficially makes this case. (What does “ruined” mean in this context? Which social skills have been ruined? What are the short and long-term consequences of this?)</p>
<p>You’re on the right track but the train doesn’t go all that far. </p>
<p>A person above me claimed that you have “a lot of grammar mistakes.” I wouldn’t characterize it this way. What I do see are some odd and/or repetitive phrasings. (“Advanced technology has made people increasingly dependent on technology as opposed to themselves.”)</p>
<p>Scoring this one is tricky. In its current state, I’d say a score of either three or four would be likely depending on the reader. Let’s call this a seven out of twelve.</p>
<p>I’d give this a 3/6, or 6/12 as an SAT essay. Your body paragraphs need to be more developed, and you should try using more complex sentences.</p>
<p>I agree with peachmelba and collegebound752. In the first 2 sentences alone there are clear grammatical mistakes they though are not jarring I suppose. </p>
<p>I would also anticipate this essay receiving a 6/12 although I guess if you were fortunate to have jkjeremy rather than any of us you might have squeaked by with a 7/12. </p>
<p>I concur with jkjeremy that there is potential. I’m not sure of his or her reason, but mine is that you do have a clear point of view and are able to substantiate that, which is quite important. You also seem intelligent and have a decent vocabulary and sentence structure. However, the writing–not the point of view–is simply all over the place. It is effectively just a laundry list of examples with no development of anything. In sum, the essay is not effectively written at all, and as the reader, I find myself having trouble getting captivated, or at least sufficiently so that I want to continue reading. That’s not good. Make it easier for me to follow. </p>
<p>Along those lines, an implication of your examples not being developed is that they are simply generalizations, and strong claims as such. For example, you write:
" Before Google was invented, people had to go to the thesaurus or read a book in order to gain information."
When you say people, a reader may imply that you are saying most people. Is that really true? Was that true in the year 1800? Was that even true in the year 1980? Maybe most people I know asked their neighbors for information. Maybe I lived in a village where only 1 person read the book, and everybody else asked that person. </p>
<p>I do like how you qualify the health comments with “can” cause cancer, for example, but on the other extreme, maybe tech does not lead to any cancer in practice. We are more interested in the reality of things than what is theoretical possible. </p>
<p>There is nothing inherently wrong with your choice of examples. However, you want to write something that instead, nobody could refute and would find compelling. I suspect that is why you are getting the advice, in effect, to develop your body paragraphs. It might not be easy. But start with one example and briefly say all you can about it to clearly illustrate your point. Be specific. Tell a story. Refer to statistics. Provide whatever evidence you can to provide validity for your examples.</p>