Rate my personal essay?

<p>I've been getting lots of criticism that my essay is too outside the box and doesn't adhere to a personal essay. I was curious as to what others thought, i.e. people who aren't parents or friends. Thanks.</p>

<p>The color roll had ended. As the chamber opened, I reached for my 35mm black and white roll and switched the expired color for monochrome and placed it inside. The camera was loaded. </p>

<p>Click.</p>

<p>Enclosed by circles of fallen, fiery leaves, winding brooks, and barren branches, I stand in the middle of nature’s beauty. At a young age, I learned to take a hike into nature with a silent companion, whenever problems arose.</p>

<p>On these needed nature walks, I regard each leaf vein pops out. Individual snowflake patterns, single pine needles, and lone pollen grains all can be specifically examined. Each individual piece of bark can be differentiated from the next. This nature-painted mural demanded close observation. Despite the extreme detail, I can’t draw away from it. Finally when stepping back from these precise details, similarly in life situations, it becomes easier to distinguish between a response and a reaction. I must allow myself to be dedicated to respond to nature’s canvas; I can’t react to it. She cannot give an answer to my reaction. My response, however, shines through lenses. While stepping back, the path to follow can easily be assessed; it is no longer overgrown with brimming weeds. </p>

<p>When traveling deeper into the woods, the concentration of trees increases heavily. Light cannot as easily make its way down to the forest floor through the thick branches and abundant leaves. A filter is needed. Not just any filter, however. A certain type of filter is needed to capture the essence of nature’s mural. All photographers know that they have to carry different filters and lenses with them to adjust to the scene. So, I change perspectives of angles, filters, and film type to make the picture better, to make a difficult situation more manageable. Capturing the essence of the picture with varying factors allows for focus on one such factor. Typically I deal with one factor at a time, prioritizing for the desired outcome.</p>

<p>It is along my walk, at the top of a hill, that I find the ability to change the picture and situation. In looking for my perfect shot of the valley below, I change locations frequently. I move from place to place on the hill. It isn’t uncommon for me to move from lying flat on the gravely path, scraping my knees, to up on a maple branch ten feet off the ground. The picture needs different perspectives in order to capture the full scene. This adversity must be dealt with. It has to be accomplished so that a desirable result will remain. </p>

<p>I took my gray filter out.</p>

<p>Winding down the hill near the end of the brook, despite the desired pictures taken, I again feel a great sense of grief. Not that long ago, my brother had been manic again. He was hospitalized. My feelings had escalated into crushing grief and bereavement.</p>

<p>Click.
The black and white roll had ended. Once again, I switched rolls and started the nature walk another time.</p>

<p>It's a beautifully written essay but it's not directly about YOU, which is the point of a personal essay. All I've learned is that (1) you are a serious photographer, and (2) your brother has a mental illness. The second is mentioned as a strange footnote which you haven't successfully meshed with your essay. Your description of taking photographs is rather cold and clinical without any peeks into your psyche, which is what is called for here.</p>

<p>My instinct is that for most colleges this essay will leave a bad taste in their mouths. You've taken them on a walk with you through the woods taking photos -- ho-hum -- and then your closer is a rather abrupt and manipulatively startling statement about your brother. And yes, I do understand that your comments as you're taking the photos are really about your reaction to your brother's illness. But because of your metaphorical approach, don't count on the adcoms taking the time and effort to figure this out. This is especially the case because the reader doesn't learn about your brother until the very end, and to "get it" requires re-reading the entire essay with this new information. Will adcoms do this? Doubtful. Instead of showing the adcoms who you are, you are toying with them. Not a good idea.</p>

<p>I suggest you rewrite this essay so that who you are shines through. Perhaps you can make it more personal by interspersing your thoughts about your brother as you walk through the woods taking photos? Just remember, this essay has to give the adcoms a clearer idea of who you are, not that you are an excellent writer (which you are, no doubt!). </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

<p>That is kind of harsh, but good, criticism. I disagree with you jjsmom about the purpose of college essays. The primary purpose of them is to show that you are a good writer, and to give them a clearer idea of who you are is secondary...In my opinion.</p>

<p>I totally disagree with you Sean, in fact, this is where many college applicants go wrong.</p>

<p>The Writing portion of the new SAT1s and the Writing SAT2 will give the adcoms all the information they need about your writing skills. The personal essay is just that, personal. The personal essay is an opportunity to go beyond the cold data you've accumulated in high school: SATs, GPA, class rank, resume, recommendations. Here you have the opportunity to give the adcoms a little glimpse into who you are and what makes you tick. A great essay will be memorable and will make you an appealing candidate for admission. </p>

<p>Now, should it be written well? Of course. A well written essay will beautifully, seamlessly and (most importantly) compellingly sell YOU to the adcoms. Conversely, a poorly written essay will make the adcom question your basic writing skills. Essays should be squeaky clean. Spelling and grammar must be perfect. Word choices should be natural (the use of a thesaurus is always obvious...really). The style is interesting (e.g. avoid beginning all sentences with "I") and so on. </p>

<p>But the crux of the personal essay is on "personal." This isn't the place to write the next Kafka essay.</p>

<p>thanks jjsmom. thanks a bunch. that was the exact criticism that i was getting from parents and such. i can see where i need to talk more about myself throughout the whole thing. i was thinking about doing a reversal of what i did meaning addressing the issue with my brother in the beginning and then do like you said by going through my thoughts of the whole situation like a stream of consciousness sort of thing. do you think that would be more appealing/work better so the adcoms don't have to try to figure it out?</p>

<p>Yes mleafs, I think that would be an excellent approach. You are a strong writer and know you are up to the challenge. Good luck!</p>

<p>thanks for all the help jjsmom.</p>

<p>I'm sure different schools use the essays for different reasons. I've been told by many guidance counselors and college admissions representatives, however, that the quality of the writing is more important-showing a more personal side of the applicant is just an added bonus. To me, this makes sense. Not all applicants (like me) have taken the SAT II Writing test. The essay then, is colleges only sample of my writing ability-something that is very important to colleges, especially small liberal arts colleges.</p>

<p>We can agree to disagree. How's that?</p>

<p>BTW, I thought the Writing SAT2 was pretty much required by most of the top tier schools, no?</p>

<p>Happy New Year to all!</p>

<p>I liked the essay, especially the part about the various filters. I actually think this essay is fine since your other one fulfills the personal role.</p>

<p>JJ'smom, would you mind commenting on one of my essays?</p>

<p>its a good essay but it seems as if you're trying to be tooooo fancy with diction. Try to make it simpler.</p>

<p>haha i just stole your essay and used it as mine, what a loser!!</p>

<p>I was just kidding, but dont you see the risk of posting something liek this online ? The primary forum talks about the dangers of posting essays. Oh well whats done is done/ </p>

<p>Btw hasnt the deadline for the essays passed?</p>

<p>well im a transfer student...if you're asking me..</p>

<p>Yes, the deadline has passed for nontransfers (and I believe transfers do a different application with different essay topics. I may be wrong on this) so any advice on essays is pretty much useless at this point. Posting essays on forums is probably not the best idea. However if the admissions office found two similar essays I'm sure that they would investigate and the truth would end up surfacing. But you're right, people should be more careful and perhaps just ask for people who are willing to give advice and then e-mail the essays to those willing to read them.</p>