Rate my SAT essay!

Test Preparation
1

<p>Assignment: Can success be disastrous? Plan and write an essay in which you develop you rpoint of view on this isseu. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, expereince, or observations.</p>

<p>My Essay:
Success if a funny word, it gives the sense of prosperity and security. In the long run success can mean neither of these. Most people have aspirations where their dream will be complete once they or their work becomes a “success.” Of course what the future may behold is not always going to be clear. Success can turn into a multitude of things. What first seemed like a dream come true can become your worst nightmare. I completely agree that success can become disastrous. Fame and fortune may not always be the best for any individual.
Out of the millions of aspiring actors only a select few make it in the business. IN a day a nobody can become a somebody, People on the outside look at what to be perfect people with perfect lives and idolize them for it. Of course things are not always what they seem. Constantly, celebrities are hounded with paparazzi. They have no privacy and when they do something remotely human they show up in the Inquirer the next day. Celebrities cannot even go out in public and do “normal” activities that the general public takes for granted. When these celebrities were aspiring actors they did not know that their success would come at a higher price than they bargained for.
If it is not fame that people seeks it is fortune they desire. In the play, Ragtime, a man has everything he could ever want: the trophy wife, a child, a beautiful home, and a successful career. Of course awe we have all come to know life is not a neat little package. Through a numerous amount of events his life falls apart. The next thing he knows he sees a man he had just spoken to get shot and his whole family leaving him. Isn’t success just dandy? I could also name an endless amount of novels where there are rich families and they get destroyed when someone walks in on the husband with the maid or the wife with the gardener, but I don’t want to be trite.
The majority of us have desires in life. Some want fame, others fortune, many both. Sometimes when these are obtained we become disappointed with the disastrous outcomes. Perfection cannot be obtained, at least not in the long run.</p>

2

<p>I liked it very much; very fluent and neat.</p>

<p>On a grade scale from 1-8, I give it a 7.</p>

<p>Why not use some more examples? eg: OJ Simpsons or some specific events of celebraties?</p>

3

<p>I woudl have but I ran out of time
thanks for answering!</p>

4

<p>I would say 4/6.</p>

5

<p>I'd probably give your essay a 3. Here's why...</p>

<p>You make several grammatical errors throughout the essay. You may think some of these things are picky, but they add up:
The first sentence is really two clauses, so they need to be separated by a period, a semicolon or a comma and a connecting word. In the third sentence, you use "where" in a way that does not refer to a specific place. "Where only refers to place. Instead, you could have said "Most people have aspirations in which their dream will be..." In the next sentence, you misuse the word "behold." It should simply be "what the future may hold." In the next sentence, you use the pronoun "your", but you've been referring to "people", not "you", so it's not parallel or consistent. "People on the outside look at what to be perfect people with perfect lives and idolize them for it...." doesn't really make sense. I think what you meant was something like "People on the outside think that these public figure are perfect people with perfect lives and idolize them for it." You misused the idiom for "hounded." People are "hounded by", not "hounded with." You don't need a comma between "In the play" and "Ragtime." You can't have a "numerous amount" of anything, because "amount refers to things that are not countable. (Think amount of traffic because traffic is uncountable, and number of cars, because cars are countable.) Better to say a "large number of events", since events are countable. Same thing with "endless amount of novels." It should be "endless number of novels." As you can see, the grammatical errors add up.</p>

<p>The example you chose were not bad, but I'd like your paragraphs to be a little clearer and simpler, and in the case of celebrities, more specific. Remember, the essay readers are going to spend about 3 minutes on your essay, so you don't want to be at all confusing.</p>

<p>Your first example gave a pretty good cause and effect argument: celebrities success can lead directly to bad consequences. However, in the second example, you didn't show that the character's success actually leads to the disastrous things that happen to him, so it doesn't actually support your premise.</p>

<p>The whole last section of your second body paragraph ("Isn't success just dandy...I don't want to be trite") is superfluous. It doesn't add anything to your point.</p>

<p>Finally, your conclusion isn't bad. You introduce the idea of perfection, which is fine, but you need to tie it back to the idea of success, which is the main point, after all.</p>

<p>I hope that helps.</p>

6

<p>wow...thanks sooooo much!</p>