rate my UC app essay? I'll rate back

College Essays
1

<p>This is for my UC application, I already submitted it so suggestions won't really help, I can take constructive criticism though. I really just want you to tell me if it is going to be a plus, neutral, or negative for my college application. Maybe rate it on a 1-10 scale? Thanks</p>

<p>here it is: </p>

<p>My eyes shot open and I looked around my bedroom engulfed in pitch blackness. Once again I was awakened by my father's work alarm, lamentably set for four in the morning. Right on schedule I could hear scratching at my bedroom door. That would be Buckwheat, one of six cats roaming about the house, wanting to come into my room. An environment steeped in hard-working people, money scarcity, and a multitude of cats is what I grew up in. The wealth in my family can more accurately be measured in laughs and elbow grease than in dollar bills. While I am undoubtedly content with my modest upbringings, I do feel ambitious in wanting to better myself by being the first person in my family to achieve a college degree.</p>

<p>Growing up in the situation of money woes regardless of how passionately hard working my parents are has made me see college as a necessary goal. "I'm sorry girls but this year isn't going to be a good Christmas, we just can't afford it," has become a recurring apology delivered by my father come December. Even though my father works from four in the morning, through his lunch hour, and even after his expected work hours, a luxurious Christmas is still far beyond my family's monetary grasp. The fact that I would not be met by a barricade of presents come Christmas did not upset me; no, what did was the fact that no matter how hard working my father is, no matter how many extra hours he works, it never seems to be enough. With my father as my role model I have grown up with the same assiduous spirit, though instead of channeling that zeal into work, I have directed my efforts towards school. I feel that with a college degree to my name, I can bridge the gap between tremendous effort and success.</p>

<p>Anticipating being the first in my family to graduate from a four year University is as frightening as it is exhilarating. Aside from college being a vehicle for me to grow intellectually and independently, I want to set a precedent for my younger siblings. I would like to set a new tradition for the Robbins Family, a tradition of higher education and the potential for prosperity. While not being able to ask older siblings or family members about their experiences in college, I have realized that there are advantages to being the first. Without any example to follow, there are no expectations or limitations for me, so I can form my own goals and standards. Being the one to set the foundation, I am free to become whoever I want to be, without any preconceived notions.</p>

<p>Rather than begrudging my family for our low income, instead I believe that I have grown up as an appreciative and hardworking person because of it. Not being surrounded by money has helped me grow up to be a humble person, and has shown me the merit of working to achieve my goals. Growing up with minimums has allowed me to dream without limit. I have always had high ambitions, and growing with my family has given me the necessary virtues, values, and vigor to achieve those goals.</p>

2

<p>This was the “describe the world around you” and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations prompt. </p>

<p>Anybody out there gonna read it?? I’ve realized that even though there are alot of people on this sight, its kinda hard getting replies to stuff</p>

3

<p>…</p>

4

<p>It is very good, with some minor errors. The only thing is the essay focused on how hard working your parents are. You did mention that you excel in school in order to gain a better quality of life, but you did not go into specifics about yourself really.</p>

5

<p>true, thank you I appreciate the feedback :)</p>

6

<p>anyone else want me to read their essay?</p>

7

<p>Wow, I love your essay, especially its vivid imagery throughout. I agree with wakaflocka, that you must concentrate more on yourself, and include how this formed your character, and how attending (blah university) will aid me in fulfilling my career choice in … this way, and get more descriptive on that. Would you mind reading my essay?</p>

8

<p>thanks =) and you weren’t supposed to say a specific university because its a blanket essay for all of the UC’s (i applied to 5) and also we only had 1000 words for this essay AND the other, they had to add up to 1000 so i actually had to shorten it from what i had :/</p>

<p>and sure! :)</p>

9

<p>this was my second essay (i personally think that the first is stronger) The prompt was basically to describe something you’ve done that has helped you learn and stuff</p>

<p>Growing up with two dogs and a minimum of six cats in the house at any given time made it predictable and quite inevitable that I would become an avid animal lover. From Sparkie, our dog that we rescued from an abusive owner, to our cat Blue who we found in a gutter, all of our animals are rescued. Having personally known what it feels like to rescue my pets, it brings me immeasurable joy to see others do the same for abandoned animals. Being the secretary of Humane Society Youth Club at my high school and coordinating my own event has given me an opportunity to put my love of animals to good use.</p>

<p>The contribution to the club, and to my community, that I am most proud of is my project with our local volunteer employed Alameda Animal Shelter. I have been collaborating with the Shelter in order to coordinate an adoption event in the spring of 2011. My goal with this event is to raise awareness in my town of homeless animals and to hopefully adopt out a great number of pets, not only the dainty adorable kittens, but the older and scruffier animals as well.</p>

<p>No matter how many times I visit the Shelter, the same pang of pity and sympathy for the animals in the cages never fails to enter my heart. One particular veteran at the shelter has claimed a spot in my memory–Hunter, a one eyed, long-legged, purring machine, and probably the most affectionate cat I have ever encountered. The very second I stepped in the room, Hunter was pressed against the cage bars; beckoning to me with meows, back arched, and paws reaching through the metal grid. While any animal gaining a forever home would bring me joy, seeing older or odd-ball animals adopted would give me a heightened sense of satisfaction.</p>

<p>With the generous help of my English teacher, a supply drive is also being held for the Shelter, asking for towels, food, and toys for the animals. In addition, a donation jar is in place and all of the proceeds collected from the jar will go directly to the Shelter. Being the coordinator of this event has given me the opportunity to extend my leadership skills and become confident in my ability to succeed on my own. Taking the initiative to contact the Shelter and formulate the plans for the event has paid off with success, which has in turn given me a new sense of efficacy. Before taking charge of this project, I had not known that I would have the confidence or capability to head my own project. Having learned this about myself, I feel much more able and willing to test my limits and discover my true potential.</p>

10

<p>Your essay is too repetitive. One theme - constant hard word by dad and no money b/c or despite of it . you can trim it by 1/2 pr 1/3 and still impart same amount of info. You throw in contradictory statements, showing your confusion or unsettled conclusion – about “hard work”. your dad can never show any improvement in his or family life, showing hard work might not be the real answer to his/your predicament. yet at the end you say by hard work you can achieve all your dreams, etc.</p>

<p>don’t say "I am the 1st to go to college - as in ANY - college. preface it with a nice, yet un-exaggerated adjective, e.g., “good”, “challenging” , and the like. ANY college, even to the proverbial “any” is not complimentary.<br>
Your diction, prose, etc. are not that bad for the colleges you are applying to. Good luck</p>

11

<p>My first impression is that not having a luxurious Christmas is a hardship? Since when was not having a luxurious Christmas expected as part of a normal life?</p>

<p>I’m not trying to criticize you personally, but the argument seems a bit weak to me.</p>

<p>Also, you speak more-or-less of dreams, which isn’t bad, but what I don’t see is anything concrete you’ve done to further your own ambitions in life. Did you get a part-time job to afford the extra non-essential items in your life, or did you just expect your dad to provide everything? What did your dad’s hard work propel you to actually do rather than ponder?</p>

12

<p>One thing I thought you should change on the first essay - it’s very minor, but I thought I’d throw it out there, haha.
“An environment steeped in hard-working people, money scarcity, and a multitude of cats is what I grew up in.”
Grammatically, you can’t end a sentence in “in,” X) so maybe you’d rephrase it as:
“I grew up in an environment steeped in hard-working people, money scarcity, and a multitude of cats.”</p>

13

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<p>After an overzealous editor attempted to rearrange one of Winston Churchill’s sentences to avoid ending it in a preposition, the Prime Minister scribbled a single sentence in reply, This is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put.</p>

<p>Yes, grammatically you can end a sentence in a preposition, especially when it is awkward with any other arrangement of words.</p>