Rate my unconventional essay

Colleges & Universities A-Z University of California - Berkeley
1

<p>Yeah I know it's kind of pointless to ask people to read it since I already submitted it, but I'm feeling a little uneasy about it and it would be nice if I could get some opinions. </p>

<p>Prompt 1</p>

<p>False security. Laziness. Excuses. Denial. Crisis. Repetition. These are symptoms of an epidemic that has been infecting students all over the nation. This disease is considered one of the most common to afflict high school students. This disease is procrastination (P. Rocrastinatii, or PR). For decades, scientists and scholars have scoured the school systems in search of a solution. However, due to the volatile nature of said disease, no universal cure has been found.</p>

<p>While M High School students are known for their tradition of academic excellence, some of them are still vulnerable to PR. I was one of the unfortunate students to contract PR early during my freshman year, and the results were brutal. My life ran through a vicious cycle of symptoms going all the way from false security to crisis, and I was powerless to stop it.</p>

<p>I finally began to discover how much I was falling behind my classmates during my junior year. Many of them, who had once been my academic equals, were now rising to the top of the class while my progress was stagnant. I became disappointed in myself for being too weak and undisciplined to keep up with my peers. </p>

<p>I came to understand that I was the reason behind my disease, and that I was the only one who could cure it. I realized that I wanted more than the meager results manifesting from this self-inflicted syndrome. Self reflection was my antidote. </p>

<p>As I saw my classmates soldier relentlessly through challenging assignments, I finally became motivated enough to pick myself up before it was too late and prove to myself that I was capable of standing up to the competition. At last I didn’t have to suffer from the panic of having to complete a project in one night. At last I had a goal to strive for – to show myself that I could flourish in even the most competitive surroundings. Through my efforts, I ended the second semester of my junior year triumphantly by making all As and scoring fives on all my AP exams without giving up any of my outside interests.</p>

<p>Now, I am glad that I have overcome my infection before it was too late. YouTube, Facebook, and Gmail are no longer on my “favorites” list on my internet browser, and I’m actually writing this essay several weeks before its deadline instead of several hours. However, I couldn’t have done it without the overwhelming diligence of M High School’s student body. The high-achieving tradition of MHS was the real driving force that helped me develop a strong aspiration for doing my very best to face any challenge and strive in any environment. More importantly, it taught me enjoy learning and use competition as a tool for improving myself. I will embrace this mentality in college and beyond. But for the time being, my physician suggests that I spend the next 4 years in the University of California, where the educational opportunity is rich enough to help me recover from the damages caused by PR and resist its most durable strains. </p>

<p>--</p>

<p>And yeah, the purpose of this was to address my horribad GPA in a (if I may say so) creative way, and how I was finally motivated to begin working hard last year.</p>

2

<p>You probably shouldn’t post it publicly–better to PM to specific people. It’s probably too late to change that now.</p>

<p>As to the essay itself… I like the concept (blatant honesty), but I think you overdid the whole P. Rocrastinatii thing. Plus, at least in my mind, framing your laziness as a disease comes off as shirking responsibility. You counter that later with the whole “only I could change it” thing, but I still wouldn’t have compared my laziness to a disease.</p>

<p>The other problem I see is that you don’t give much of an explanation for what changed you. There was no “rock bottom” moment. You just said, “one day, I decided to stop being lazy.” They want to see growth in these types of essays–specifically, they want to see the catalyst for the growth. You said that growth occurred, but not why. There may not be a great reason… I might have suggested taking some artistic license here. </p>

<p>There are also a few grammatical/typographical errors, and parts are worded awkwardly. I think you may have spent too much time with the thesaurus in parts, as well. These issues won’t kill your chances, but they obviously don’t help, especially when you’re trying to show contrast between a mediocre past and an exceptional present.</p>

<p>Sorry if this comes off as harsh… It’s not like my feedback can help at this point anyway. As a student who was just plain lazy in high school, but then got motivated in community college, I know where you’re coming from. </p>

<p>I, too, did a “risky” essay, but I had some more material to work with. I’m a political science major, and I wrote about my experience working with an elected official… And then testifying against him in his criminal corruption trial, as part of what then-AG Jerry Brown called one of the worst cases of public corruption he had ever seen. I wrote it as a story, with lots of imagery and an initial sense of mystery. It worked for Cal but not UCLA.</p>

<p>Anyway, there you go. Good luck with everything!</p>

3

<p>Nothing incredibly exceptional, a bit corny. One of those kinda cute gimmicky essays. I wouldn’t reject you based off of it. It really depends on what the other kids are shelling out these days. A lot of this is comparative, so you don’t have to be absolutely good, but comparatively so. I assume you had a bit of a weaker record in your early years based on your essay, and what’s good is that your essay serves to somewhat exculpate you from a poor record (if there is one). Personally, I don’t know if procastination is a worthy enough excuse for poor performance (as would be implied from your essay), but you showed that you were able to beat it, and I think that says to me that ‘yeah, this kid had some issues, which may or may not have been his fault, but he beat them and got through it, and given other mitigating factors, may be good enough to get into XYZ Uni.’ </p>

<p>I hope you don’t mind my honesty. It’s certainly not meant to put you down, and no hard feelings of course. Best of luck with your studies, hope you make it to Cal!</p>

4

<p>It doesn’t paint a pretty picture of you. Usually people that try to offset their “bad” gpa with their essays describe debilitating circumstances. The fact that you made up a disease can actually be interpreted as mockery of actual debilitating circumstances beyond “being a lazy bum”, which is clearly not what you intended for and not something you’d ever want in a college essay.</p>

5

<p>I agree with nick. While the essay can be a good topic, you should really pick out some examples of your change. Like how you got screwed over in a specific test or project because of procrastination and worked harder later on to over come it. </p>

<p>Oh yeah, I just realized that you probably already turned this in. What’s the point of posting this?</p>

6

<p>hate to say it, but the essay did not work for me. the creativity is there…but some of the content just did not flow well. i would comment more, but it is what it is. the waiting game has begun and i would rather you just enjoy your last semester of high school than get frustrated by these comments.</p>

7

<p>Look on the bright side: what was your 2nd essay about? Do you have good stats in terms of GPA, ACT/SAT, extra curriculars? If you did well in those other aspects of the application, I don’t see how they could reject you <em>just</em> because of the essay. I agree with some users who have said that the idea/creativity is there, but the delivery might have been a little off. I don’t think they’ll completely trash your app just because of that, so try not to worry about it too much because you won’t get results for a while. The admission process at Berkeley looks at all kinds of different factors, so instead of reading the comments on here, think of the other parts of your app. Think of the thing as a whole :)</p>

<p>EDIT: And by GPA, I mean a nice upward trend that the admissions people will see. An upward trend is always appreciated.</p>

8

<p>^ Nailed it.</p>

9

<p>Yeah…I’m sorry, but I wasn’t feeling that essay too much (seemed like you pushed the blame onto procrastination - something most people do and still succeed with at the HS level - and then just magically realized that you were screwed). The other comments sum things up though.</p>

<p>As hard as it is, just try to relax. I mean, pretend like college doesn’t even exist or something. From reading the essay, I’m sure you pulled yourself together and put your best foot forward, and posting your essays like this is just going to make you want to pull your hair out and run off a cliff. Take this time to be glad college apps are over. Don’t worry about anything. Yet. ;P</p>

10

<p>Ugh I thought the essay was pretty decent when I read it before submitting, but now I realize that it’s complete s**t. I knew I should’ve just played it safe and written a cliche essay instead like everyone else…</p>

<p>R.I.P UCLA/UCB dream 2011-2012</p>

<p>I do appreciate the honest responses though, since I’d prefer to know what to expect than get some unpleasant surprises.</p>

11

<p>Ok, stop it. No one here said your chances are gone, and that essay isn’t “complete ****.” Don’t be defeatist. No one knows what really goes on in the admissions office, and from seeing some of your other posts, I know that while you aren’t a stellar applicant, you have your own plus points - which I know you know of.</p>

12

<p>Yeah sorry about the bad attitude, I was just a little upset at that moment (family problems) and had to let out some steam. </p>

<p>I really need a break from this site</p>

13

<p>I won’t comment on your essay since others have. Don’t blame CC - you were confident at the moment you submitted it, so you have nothing to regret. I agree with what meep1234 said! Don’t worry too much and good luck. :slight_smile: You’ll never be completely happy post-submission (I know I’m not), so I just try to think of how I felt in the moment before submitting…and if I was confident then, then whatever happens will happen and I’ll accept the outcome.</p>

14

<p>Overall I think we can all agree it was a creative way to explain why your sophomore GPA and first semester junior GPA was low.</p>

<p>The idea was there, but the execution was good at times and bad at times. I feel like the juxtaposition of comedy and seriousness was miscalculated. In my opinion if one is to write about being lazy/procrastination the whole essay needs to be humor based with some underlying themes like what you learned, etc.</p>

<p>Most CCers are being on the harsh side. Think about if you were an admissions officer at Berkeley reviewing 52,920 applications (2011 # freshman apps) or at UCLA reviewing 61,498 applications (2011 # of freshman apps) this essay would be viewed as refreshing to say the least. Will this essay earn you brownie points with the admissions officer? Depends on how his or her day is going.</p>

15

<p>haha… well i liked it… you’re a great writer :D… but i’m not sure if everyone thinks the same way</p>