<p>Good morning Mr. Taghavi: The first words that reached my ears every day at school my junior year. They came from the voice box and out of the mouth of Mohammed, a sophomore fresh in from Baghdad who, for some reason, had become completely and utterly enamored with me. Morning Mohammed, I smiled. He went on to explain to me whatever had interested him the day before, while I was lost in deeper thought: figuring out what the bonus was on yesterdays Pre-Cal test was. It wasnt that I didnt get the answer, I did, it was how I did: guess and check. It was right, but I wanted to know how. Mr. Taghavi? Mohammed asked. Back to reality. Im sorry man, what were you saying? I said shaking my head. What Im trying to say, Mr. Taghavi, is that the world is a beautiful place, he said smiling. I chuckled. Mr. Taghavi, I know you are busy thinking, but may I ask, what are you thinking about? Math, I replied. I knew it was coming. The question everyone asks when I tell them Im thinking about math. Why? It had such a confused tone about it. As if to ask, Why would anybody ever think about math?. I didnt have an answer, so I shrugged Because I like it,. He seemed to accept that answer, Is that what youll study? Id never thought about it. I had of course dabbled with the idea, but it always seemed to me that I should major in something more useful. I guess so, the words spilled out of my mouth. I started thinking about why I wanted to study math. Obviously I had a passion for it, but I had a passion about music and soccer too, but nothing in me yearned to learn more about either of those. After a minute or two of pondering I figured it out: Math had never really challenged me. Id never had any trouble grasping the concept of what was going on in math class, nor had I ever omitted an answer on a math test. I had gotten some wrong, due to careless mistakes, but none had really challenged me. As nice as that may sound, its not. I have a constant itch for mathematical trial, its like an addiction. I went on to try to sum up all these feelings about math into a statement. I want to be bewildered by math, I whispered. What? I had forgotten Mohammed was there. He was watching me think. Sorry man, its nothing, I muttered after a few seconds. But those three words stuck in my head. My goal: bewildered by math.</p>
<p>Ok so does anyone have any suggestions? This is just a draft i whipped up in about 20 minutes. I want my focus to be on my relationship with math for sure, but i wasnt sure if the convo with mohammed would be a good way to do it</p>
<p>come on someone please post</p>
<p>Here is another draft with the same idea:</p>
<pre><code>Austin? Ashley asked in the cutest voice she could squeeze out. I looked up and smiled. I know Ive asked you a hundred times, and Im sorry sorry sorry
but will you help me out with the homework? I chuckled and grinned, Ha ha, of course, That was a typical day in Pre-Cal class. Whether it was Ashley, Alicia, Jesus or Carlos, someone was asking me for math help and I was happy to give it. And it was fun. But what started as politely lending out my skills for the better of my classmates turned into something different: from commensalism to mutualism. Im not quite sure when it started, but I remember when I realized it. It was a particularly strenuous day of work for me. The grading cycle was coming to an end and people needed to turn in all of their missing work, which meant that I would be doing a lot of impromptu tutoring; happy as a camper. I was helping Alicia out with geometric sequences and, as always, it ended with me simply doing the work. She was cute. When I was done, I waited for someone else to come to me their questions, but everyone was too busy making my work look like it was their own. At this point I usually went on to play scrabble on my phone or text my girlfriend at the time, but for some reason, as if I had no say in it, the following words spilled out of my mouth: D-Does anyone have any questions? At this point quite a few questions were running through my head, the foremost being: Why the heck did I just ask that? What? said Carlos, giving me a look that was half confusion, half disgust. I was just asking if anyone had any questions
you know about math. Never mind, I muttered in a semi-embarrassed voice. Cheeks rosy and face hot, I pulled out my phone and started playing scrabble. I was thinking. Thinking about why I asked that question. It didnt take me long to figure out that I wanted to do more problems. All these feelings were flying through my head now, what I liked about math, what I wanted out of math. I had always had a thing for math, but I never realized how unique I was in this affection. I mean, all through elementary school when I was asked what my favorite subject was I answered enthusiastically Recess! but now, now I was a math nerd. And I loved it. I loved solving things in ten different ways, and making a function out of every set of numbers given to me. I loved it, but more importantly I was good at it. Rarely did I ever get a challenge when it came to math. I wanted to get challenged, I wanted to get stumped, I wanted math to punch me in the face and not relent. I wanted, and still want, to be bewildered by math.
</code></pre>
<p>will someone please put some input?</p>
<p>What is the topic? Or was it a free-for-all type essay?</p>
<p>its a personal common app essay. What do you think?</p>
<p>brb stealing ur essay</p>
<p>Lol please don’t. Haha so what do you guys think?</p>
<p>I think that both essays are great and really showcase your passion for math. The 2nd essay goes into a bit more detail about your passion, but the 1st essay I feel is more intriguing.</p>
<p>Overall, I enjoyed both.</p>
<p>The pacing was good with a balance of dialogue and narration. I liked them. Since you’re a math geek, I will share with you something you might already have read on this site. Apparently, someone on the Princeton section managed to corner an admissions rep just before their decisions went out. Someone got admitted (supposedly) with an essay about math. The guy was real shy and he wrote something like: a mathematical expression that explains how he can get the nerve to talk to girls. 
Or something like that. The adcom loved it, apparently. Of course, you can’t use that exact idea now, but it might give you some other tangent to go off on toward your own unique essay idea. Good luck!!</p>
<p>You really shouldn’t post your essay since it can be easily stolen.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone! And mcpucks thank you for your concern but these are very rough drafts far from perfection. I think my final one with be a mixture of the two…</p>
<p>Much prefer the first. It leads more easily to the ‘bewildered by math’ thought process and conclusion. </p>
<p>A few points,</p>
<p>The voice box is not helpful. I’m thinking that the kid either is on a speaker system or has a handicap - confusion is not helpful - kill it.</p>
<p>I don’t get the Mr. stuff. You may want to explain why or just go to first names as it takes me away from where you really want to head. Further the kid that likes you can work but it also goes nowhere so I don’t see it as particularly helpful. </p>
<p>I think you want to say what the ‘bonus question’ on the test was not what the bonus was. Don’t allow the reader to get confused or dwell on things that you don’t want them to. </p>
<p>It’s a good start. You need to add some elements so that the reader is there. Your thought processes getting interrupted is quite effective but you need more of that. Scribbling a note on the remaining open space on your notebook cover, smell of cleanser in the hallway, poor sounding speaker with morning announcements … countless ways to bring the reader into the essay.</p>
<p>I like the 1st one better, too. Some of the grammar and punctuation could most definitely be improved, but as it’s a rough draft, I think you’re looking more at the idea rather than the details, so I’ll go on the concepts and ignore the nitty-bitties.</p>
<p>At first, I was confused about the “Mr.” thing, too. Then I read the “a sophomore fresh in from Baghdad” part and assumed that he meant to be polite and wasn’t quite familiar with American conversation where no kid really refers to a peer with “Mr” :P. I like this part though, don’t change it.</p>
<p>Eliminate “the voice box and out of the mouth of,” it’s too wordy and sounds awkward. Just say that it came from Mohammed.</p>
<p>Throw in some spacing breaks in there (in between dialogues, at least). Your paragraph looks pretty clunky when you have so much dialogue in just one place.</p>
<p>I agree with the last comment from ctyankee. You want to incorporate elements like the surroundings, what you heard/saw, etc…
To add on to his list, "the chattering of students filing into the hall… " “the jarring sound of the bell that signaled the start of the school day…”</p>
<p>They’re both only semi-concluded ideas. In fact I would argue, that with the way they are presented, they aren’t really truth…are they?</p>
<p>I don’t intend to be harsh, but for you to claim that the realization (which you state) as the blossoming of your passion cannot possibly be a one or two minute thing. It simply cannot. There needs to be something MORE to it; there needs to be more explanation.</p>
<p>Sure. You answered questions in math class. Why can’t you be good at something and still hate it? It’s honestly not accounted for.</p>
<p>What even started your passion? There needs to be a first point. And the crescendo needs to be sharper–it’s not there, just yet.</p>
<p>Also, the conclusions in BOTH drafts seem extremely, extremely rushed. Extend them or rephrase them.</p>
<p>The first draft idea was really engaging and caught my attention. you should try to develop that furthur taking all the suggestions above like taking out the frehman kid out of the picture and could be your own introspection with a little drama thrown in.</p>
<p>Isn’t it kind of short?</p>
<p>Even if you plan on heavy rewrites, your essay will get hits on turnitin unless everything is changed. Not sure if any admissions offices use turnitin though.</p>
<p>I liked where essay #1 was going. I did NOT care for essay #2. </p>
<p>Essay #1 needs work with word choice:</p>
<p>Voicbox? De-humanizing.
Passion? That has to be a grossly overused word.
Enamored? Unless Mohammed ends up asking you out at the end of the essay, find another word.
Bewildered? Liked the idea but not the word.</p>
<p>Personally, I like the character of Mohammed and I like his little quirks. When you write him as a bothersome toady, it makes you sound stuck up. Make him your table-mate and confidant. Let him be the one that somehow has an insight into your love of math. It will make you seem kinder and more inclusive.</p>
<p>I’m not sure that I would ever describe the study of math as “not useful”. Perhaps you should say something to the effect that you always thought you should study something less esoteric.</p>
<p>Overall, I’d say a strong start and I’d love to read the next version. Good luck!</p>